J & B: Give your spouse an “I” message stating that you want to express your thoughts and you need to be heard and understood before they respond. Add that after you have presented your thoughts, you will want to hear what they have to say.

2. I get it that I should bite the bullet an get things off my chest, but sometimes it seems much easier to just let it go.  What’s wrong with that?

J & B: Often, when an annoyance seems small, it’s actually best to let it go. However, when you find yourself frequently confronted by the same frustrating issues, it’s best to talk about it with your partner.  Otherwise, over time you will likely find that you are  feeling resentful over issues that are never resolved because they are never discussed.

3. I agree that thinking things out first before speaking helps a great deal.  I’m no longer in an attack mode and it’s much easier to listen to each other more effectively.

J & B: Glad to read that thinking the conversation through first works well for you!

4. It is amazing that when I talk to my husband diplomatically that I get much more positive results than using a more direct approach.

When Barbara first met Marv, Sally was sitting by his side at an outdoor café near 3rd Avenue. Barbara knew about Sally when she began dating Marv. On their first date to picnic in the park, Sally came along. On their next date they took a lovely ride into the mountains and again Sally was with them.

Barbara finally put her foot down.
Barbara: It’s not that I don’t like Sally, but when she’s around you seem distracted and I don’t get your full attention.
Marv: Well I can’t very well keep her locked up. She’ll bark all day and annoy the neighbors.

After weighing the pros and cons, Barbara decided to accept the “package” of Marv and his dog and they were married a year later.

Unfortunately, the situation didn’t change after they settled down and bought a house. Marv spent lots of time walking Sally, petting Sally and talking to her sweetly. It wouldn’t have been so bad, but Barbara found that Marv was much less affectionate with her than with Sally. When Sally broke a vase, Marv excused her saying, “She’s just upset because of her fleas.” Yet Marv seemed to heap blame on Barbara whenever she made a mistake.

The “other woman/man” may be a dog, or a computer or constant flings on the golf course, or being “married to a job.” Everyone is entitled to their special interests; however, an appropriate balance is important. The relationship should take precedence.

The Road to Power Snuggling
If one partner is distressed because their relationship is suffering due to excessive time given to pets, sports, work, or even to children — a re-balancing should be discussed. Short-term efforts such as starting a new business might be a legitimate excuse. But when “short-term” bleeds into years, changes are needed. Fully listen to each other’s point of view and realize that changes in habits take time. Understanding each other’s point of view is the first step.

Your weekly homework
With your partner, discuss when either of you feel you are not receiving enough emotional support due to other distractions or activities. Decide together what re-balancing is required.

Weekly Question
What outside activities or people might be causing stress in your relationship? What action have you taken?

Comment:  What if we’ve gone too far and have played these games for years? How do we stop?
J&B: Acknowledging  your games  is the first step. One partner can decide to call a spade a spade and describe what is happening in a way that can be heard.

Comment: When I feel lonely and frustrated I take some time off and jog. I find exercise gives me greater perspective and later I can talk with my wife about our differences.
J&B: It’s great you found something that works!

Comment: Since I’ve started reading your Power Snuggles, my boyfriend and I have become closer by trying out your ideas. Thanks!
J&B: Glad to hear it!

Jason is incredulous: “Tracy, you’re crazy! Los Angeles is definitely not east of Reno, Nevada! It’s west, like near the Pacific!”

“Jason, I saw it on the map. L.A. is east of Reno, like towards New York.” Tracy flips her hair, almost hitting Jason in the face as he drives. “You never trust me. And I wish you wouldn’t call me crazy.”

Tracy resumes reading her book, knowing it’s going to be a long, tense drive home.
If Jason and Tracy overhear a similar conversation between strangers, they might have opinions about who is right, but they are not likely to feel strong emotions. So what’s causing the outbursts here?

Sensitivities and differences often color our opinions which can lead to disputes. Jason knows that California is west of Nevada and its coastline adjoins the Pacific Ocean. Therefore, L.A. must be west of Reno. Tracy recently saw a map showing L.A. east of Reno.

When couples feel they are both right, discussion can quickly shift into competition, jumping out of control and causing hurt feelings.

The Road to Power Snuggling
What’s the solution?
Change the focus from competing and winning, to cooperating and resolving an issue. Work and classroom settings often require cooperative problem solving. It can be very satisfying when a couple brainstorms together to resolve an issue, each truly hearing the other’s ideas.

For example:
Jason is incredulous: Really? You say L.A. is east of Reno? How can that be if California is west of Nevada?
Tracy: Yes, California is west of Nevada, but the map shows L.A. east of Reno.
Jason: I guess it’s possible. Let’s recheck the map when we stop for lunch.
They stop and find that L.A. is indeed east of Reno. They both learn that the southern part of California bends east even though the northern part of California is west of Nevada.

Many arguments are not as clear-cut and involve different ingrained values. However, becoming cooperative partners when you focus on an issue, resolves differences without belittling each other. This leads to a win-win result and a stronger relationship. Whereas, if one “wins” and the other “loses,” the loser is resentful and competition continues into other areas, dragging down the relationship.

Your Weekly Homework
Think of a way a recent dispute could have been worked through using the cooperative, rather than the competitive approach. Try the cooperative approach this week with a small issue. Eventually, you can use it comfortably with bigger issues.

Kathy realized he needed more than listening. When he had finally finished, Kathy hugged him, not noticing the smell of the paint. Calvin’s body and face relaxed. He looked down and said, “I love your hair. It sure is shiny today.”

The Road to Power Snuggling
Touching almost always works. A warm touch releases oxytocin, a hormone that creates a sensation of trust. For months after we are born, most of the love we receive is through touch. Whether we are one day old or 100 years and a day, touch improves our mood and makes us feel loved.

Think back to the time you were held tenderly by your caregiver. Now think of your first experience of being held romantically. Then think of the first time you and your partner held each other. Each memory provides a feeling of warmth and safety.

Today you have the opportunity to continue using touch to bring you and your partner closer. It doesn’t need to be a hug or a kiss. Merely a touch on the shoulder permeates one’s nervous system. It’s simple and it works! Studies have shown that touch can reduce blood pressure and the heart rate, diminish depression, ease pain, and reduce anxiety. One study showed that a sympathetic touch from a doctor left people with the impression that their doctor’s visit lasted twice as long as it did! At DePauw University, Matthew Hertenstein had volunteers touch a blindfolded stranger. By only touching they were able to communicate eight different emotions including gratitude, disgust and love, with 70% accuracy. If this works with blindfolded strangers, imagine how easy it would be to communicate love to your partner through touch without blindfolds.

Your Weekly Homework Think of the benefits of empathic touch. At various times this week take the opportunity to touch or hug your partner bringing you closer together.

“It was a miserable day!” she says. “First, Ben said his throat was sore and he didn’t want to go to school, but after a half hour of moaning he said he was feeling better so I finally drove him in and then I was late for work. And I also missed the plumber, so we still have a leak in the basement with the pail filling up and ….”

Before she finishes, Ralph rolls his eyes, gives Sarah a weak kiss on the cheek and says he needs time to unwind. As he walks into the bedroom, she glares at him and tells him that he’s never interested in listening to her. Her shoulders fold as she goes into the kitchen.

The next day Sarah tries asking Ralph about his day, rather than talking about hers:
“So how was the big meeting? Did it work out?”
Ralph: “It was okay.”
“Just okay?”
“Yep.”
“Did you have lunch with Larry again? How are his kids?”
“Larry? No, not today.”
Ralph again walks into the bedroom.
Sarah takes an exaggerated big breath and shakes her head.

At other times Ralph and Sarah have stimulating conversations. They are good parents and have many friends. So what’s happening here?

Marshmallows to the rescue
In 1968, Dr. Walter Mischel conducted a landmark experiment at Stanford University. He placed a single marshmallow on a table in front of a 4 year old and told the child, “If you don’t eat the marshmallow, you will receive a second marshmallow when I return to this room.” He left for 20 minutes.

Dr. Mischel followed the children in the experiment and, years later, found that those who waited for the second marshmallow, averaged an astounding 210 points higher on the Scholastic Aptitude Test (SAT), compared to the children who had eaten the single marshmallow! The simple marshmallow test was twice as good as IQ tests in predicting SAT scores! Following the participants over many years, Dr. Mischel also found that those who waited for the second marshmallow had better high school and college grades, greater social competence and less drug use.

The marshmallow experiment shows that patience, timing and self-control, has an enormous impact on what we can accomplish. Following this pattern, couples who develop the patience exhibited by these children will be much more likely to enjoy a mutual, long lasting love relationship.

The Road to Power Snuggling
Sarah learned to key into Ralph’s emotions. She decided not to talk about her day, nor bombard him with questions about his day. In effect, she decided not to eat the first marshmallow.
A few days later, when Ralph arrives home, Sarah greets him at the door, gives him a hug and searches his eyes. He smiles and says he is tired.
She asks, “Do you need anything?”
“No, I think I’ll lie down for a few minutes.”
She smiles and pats him on the shoulder.
Later he comes into the living room and puts on a CD.
At dinner he asks Sarah about her day and he listens and nods.
Later he speaks about his day.
(Note: The earlier illustrations show that Ralph needs more space and Sarah needs to talk and express her frustrations. Of course, with other couples the situation could be reversed.)

Your Weekly Homework
Think of the times when your quick reactions have backfired and what might have happened if you had waited before expressing yourself. With your partner, spend time discussing how using patience helps achieve the harmony you both desire. By doing so, you will each accumulate plenty of marshmallows.

In the movie Sliding Doors, Helen Quilley runs down the stairs of a London Underground station. She arrives on the platform just in time to catch the train. A second scene shows a slight variation from the first. Helen is again running down the stairs but this time a young girl with a doll delays Helen’s progress by ten seconds. The train doors close just before Helen can step in. The movie continues alternating on two different tracts: one follows Helen’s life after she catches the first train; the other follows her very different life after she misses the first train and boards the second train.

Remember how you and your partner met? What slight variation in your life might have occurred to prevent you from meeting? The action you took after you met really determined the many events in your life. Somehow you followed through and decided to continue the relationship. Now, with your partner, you are often presented with your own version of sliding doors. Whether or not you select a particular opening to foster the relationship can play a major role in the emotional and physical health of both of you. Think of the doors that would open wider if you choose to say something or do something that will bring you closer to that romantic beginning. (For those who aren’t currently in a relationship, you have the power to enter that door as it slides open and take positive action, resulting in a closer friendship, a better business arrangement, or a new hobby.)

The Road to Power Snuggling
Power Snuggling requires taking specific action regardless of whether you decide to take the first or second train. The beauty of living with new chances is that you can always make decisions that will improve your relationship. And if one door doesn’t lead where you want to go, choose another door.

Your Weekly Homework Think of three specific actions you can take this week that might help you and your spouse recapture the joy you both felt when you first met. Try them out!