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What is a meta message?
A “message” is the exact meaning of words spoken. A “meta-message” expresses someone’s true emotions and what they are implying. Meta-messages must be interpreted by the listener from the context, the tone of voice and the history of your relationship. Sometimes the true meaning is obvious, but it usually requires interpretation from your experience and insight.

A meta-message that is easy to understand
Message: “Bill, I’d love to go to the movies with you, but unfortunately this Saturday night I have to give my dog a bath.”

Meta message: I’m waiting for a better date and I’d rather stay home than ever date you! But I don’t want to hurt your feelings by telling you directly.

Meta-messages that are more difficult to interpret
Frank: “Clara, let’s not go to the Italian restaurant again. I’m tired of pasta and it’s noisy there. How about a quiet place that serves soup and salad?”

Meta message could be:
Option A: I want you to lose weight by keeping you away from fattening foods.
Option B: I’m afraid I’m gaining weight and want to stay away from fattening foods.
Option C: I’m not that hungry and I’ve had a hard day. I want a simple, quiet meal.

How do we know whether the meta-message is A, B, or C? We have to rely on the history of the relationship, the tone of the words and what has recently transpired. For example, if either party has recently mentioned Clara having a weight problem, Option A might be the meta-message. If Frank has spoken at length about his hard day, we might pick Option C.

Another meta-message
Clara: “This is an interesting article. It says men are more inclined to focus on the small details and make quick financial decisions compared to women.”

Frank, sitting nearby: (Silence)

Meta message of silence from Frank could mean:
Option A: I’m concentrating on something else right now, but I might discuss it later.
Option B: I don’t want to respond because it might lead to an argument.
Option C: That makes sense. No comment needed.
Option D: She’s mumbling again. Can’t she see I’m busy?

The Road to Power Snuggling
Be aware that words often include subtle, underlying messages. Understanding our partner’s implied emotions enables us to maintain a good relationship. Most conversations are bursting with meta-messages. They are often used to conceal or subtly reveal one’s true feelings and protect either the speaker, the listener or both. The speakers are not always aware that they are sending meta-messages. If questioned, they might deny their true intentions.

Your Weekly Homework
Spend time this week listening for the meta-messages your partner is sending. To better understand their true feelings, expand the conversation, without accusation. As you talk, listen to your own internal voices so you better understand the messages you are sending. (For more information, read Deborah Tannen’s book, You Just Don’t Understand: Women and Men in Conversation.)

Mildred: Gene! I can’t stand it! Get rid of your stuff or I’ll get rid of you! You’ve junked up the house with boxes of stuff you’ve never used, books you’ll never read, tools you’ll never need, a bread machine that’s never kneaded bread and smelly spray cans that will never, ever spray!!
Gene: Hold on! When I need a tool, I’m not about to re-buy it! And what about you? You have tons of ancient birthday cards that clutter —
Mildred: Cards don’t clutter! They take up no space! Your stuff is BIG! So you want me to throw out my lovely cards?
Gene: Millie, just keep last year’s cards. But I have to have my tools. I never know when one is needed.

Stuff, stuff, and more stuff!

Mildred: This house is a holy wreck. I can’t live like this! Please, PLEASE! At least toss out more than you buy!

Gene: The stuff isn’t hurting anyone and—
Mildred: Ahhhggghhhh!

The Road to Power Snuggling  Most families include the “savers” (sometimes certified pack-rats) and the “tossers” (Sometimes certified minimalists) who feel the clothes on their back are all they will ever need.)

Relationships falter when the disparity grates on the nerves of the other. Stuff clogs the house and creates cobwebs in one’s mind. Some semblance of a neat house will bring greater harmony to your relationship. Even pack-rats can be convinced that some stuff will never be needed; even minimalists can be convinced that some items used infrequently should be kept.

Your Weekly Homework
Clear your house and your mind. Make time this week to start selling unneeded stuff or giving to charity or others. This cooperative effort will make room for a more peaceful, loving relationship.

(P.S. We recently listed our give-aways on Craig’s List. We received 82 responses in 30 minutes! Within hours it was all gone!)

Miranda: “It’s all your fault! If you hadn’t elbowed me I  wouldn’t have dropped the bowl!”
 Saul: “You should have held the bowl tight! I barely nudged your arm! Now spaghetti sauce is mashed into our new carpet!”

The argument continues for five minutes. Finally, Josh runs downstairs.
Josh: “Mom! Dad! Will you stop it! It’s spilt milk over the dam! It’s over!”
Saul begins to correct Josh’s mixed metaphor, but instead starts to laugh and Miranda joins him.  Josh is puzzled. He didn’t know he had this power. Often they argued over who’s fault it was for hours, sometimes days and Josh didn’t know how to stop them.

The Road to Power Snuggling
Focusing on blame can become a way of life in family conversations. It forces us to be constantly on guard. Children who are listening, develop a lifelong blueprint demonstrating that blame will follow any error. They constantly worry about whether they are right or wrong, bad or good, kind or mean. The “blame game” raises anxiety and inhibits creativity and adventure.
Philosophically, we tell our children that “we all make mistakes” and “don’t cry over spilt milk,” but our actions might offer different messages. How do we change the family dynamics when this occurs?

Step one: We should acknowledge what has occurred and then clean up the mess. (This will help us and our children.)
Step two: Admit our part of the problem, even when we believe our partner is primarily at fault and discuss what WE each can do to avoid future problems.
Step three: Kiss and make up as soon as possible. (Perhaps the hardest step.)

Your Weekly Homework  Think of recent conversations that have resulted in blaming. What could each of you have said to acknowledge the problem without blaming? Become super-conscious of what’s happening to avoid future blame.

After Making Up

Nicole could barely breathe with everything that was going on. Brad had business in Dallas, both the kids had the flu and Nicole didn’t know yet whether she would have to miss work once again. And, of course, today the toilet decided to overflow.
The phone just rang and Nicole’s part-time baby sitter said she couldn’t come today because her brother-in-law was sick. Nicole started to ask why the brother-in-law’s illness had anything to do with not coming, but stopped short.

“Well, will you be able to come on Thursday?” she heard herself asking. The sitter hesitated, “That depends.

“Nicole called other sitters but had no luck. (I hate this! If I could only have a few hours just to myself some day!)
Later that night after the kids were in bed, she collapsed fully clothed on top of the quilt.

Her dream was vivid. She was sitting on a tree branch next to a stream, surrounded by tall pine trees. Occasionally, fish splashed at the water’s surface. She was alone, reading the book her aunt had sent her for her birthday months ago. A robin seemed to be chirping, “Watcha reading? Watcha reading?” The robin then began talking, telling her how he flies away from his flock of robins when he needs to, whenever there is too much commotion. Nicole felt so snuggly and warm.

The Road to Power Snuggling  We all need some time and space for ourselves. We can’t function or enjoy life without regular time to relax and do what we want for ourselves. Partners should find ways to provide this time for each other, at least weekly and hopefully, daily. This “alone time” time should be provided freely, lovingly and without resentment.

Your Weekly Homework 
Think of the private alone time each of you needs. Develop a plan to make sure you both get it.

Al and Steve are talking at work: Al: Sandy is great most of the time, but you know what really bugs me about her? When she starts to file her nails in the car. We’re coasting along on the freeway, it’s a beautiful spring day and suddenly I hear this grating sound! I just can’t stand it!

Steve: That wouldn’t bother me, but making me wait really bugs me. Marlene’s all dressed, we’re ready to leave and she always, and I mean always, goes back into the house for something she forgot! Then I have to sit waiting in a hot car!

That night, the men's wives, Sandy and Marlene are talking on the phone: 

Sandy: Al is handy around the house, but it's so, so annoying when he walks in with muddy shoes and leaves his dirty tools on the furniture. I've told him dozens of times, but he doesn't seem to care! Then, of course, there's leaving the toilet seat up! 

Marlene: Yeah, that is annoying. Steve's like that, too. But what really tees me off is when he slurps his soup. It may seem like a little thing, but it's disgusting to hear. Why can't he just learn to eat quietly!

A new book, What Bugs Us, by Joe Palca and Flora Lichtman, describes how we all are bugged by some of the same things, like a fly buzzing or nails screeching on a blackboard, but in addition, we each have specific behaviors that particularly bug us. In relationships, these seemingly small problems can be abrasive and eventually cause major blowups. How do we “de-bug” ?

The Road to Power Snuggling
It is not useful to tell your spouse, “99% of people would have no problem with what I do.” Rather, listen to the complaint and give serious consideration about altering the habit.  Living with a partner requires changes which we wouldn’t need to make if we were living alone. If some habits go unnoticed, like snapping your pen continuously, it won’t hurt your relationship. However, when annoying behaviors are identified by you or your partner, follow this de-bugging guide:
First, see if you can simply stop the behavior. For example, be conscious of the  “slurp factor” and try to eat soup more quietly, which may require waiting for it to cool.
Second, carry out the activity when your spouse is not present — such as filing your nails.
Third, make corrections right away. For example, vacuum the floor immediately after you track in dirt.And don’t forget to put the toilet seat down!

Your weekly homework
Each of you make a list of 2 or 3 things that bug you, starting with the highest level bug. Tell your spouse how you intend to de-bug. Do it!

* * *

Mayberry at airport

Now that Mayberry had her master’s degree, she was moving to L.A. to seek a new life. She knew this would include finding her soulmate. Waiting for her plane, she overheard a couple nearby.

“Wow, Cindy, the Yankees got three runs in the ninth and beat the Sox!”
“You know Roger, I hope it’s not raining when we get there. I didn’t pack an umbrella.”
“Jeter got the final hit, even with his sore back!”
“Roger, we have to get something to bring them, when we visit your brother.”
“Uh-huh…”
A minute later Roger walked away with his newspaper. Cindy checked her cell phone.

Mayberry wheeled her carry-on to a food court for a snack before returning to the gate. She sat in another area next to an “older couple,” by her standards. She heard:
“Oscar, do you think we can get to the Farmer’s Market in L.A.?
“For sure! I love that market! I was there all the time as a kid.
“Really?”
“Yep, my grandfather used to take me.”
“Can’t wait to see what you saw as a kid.”
“Maggie, you also wanted to go to the Getty Museum. Maybe we can go there on Tuesday.”

On the plane, Mayberry compared the conversations of the couples. She knew that she and her soulmate would never be as disconnected as Cindy and Roger.

The Road to Power Snuggling
In the first conversation, Cindy need not be interested in baseball to connect with Roger. However, she could have validated Roger’s enthusiasm by merely saying, “Sounds like your Yanks are on a roll!” And Roger could have connected with Cindy’s concern about the rain by saying, “Maybe we can pick up an umbrella in L.A.” Relationships are closest when each respects the other’s interests, past and present and if possible, participates in the other’s activities.

Your Weekly Homework
Like Mayberry, notice how other couples are conversing. Notice who is connecting and who is ignoring or pushing the other aside. Think about conversations you and your partner are having and discover better ways to connect.

* * *

Loving couple

Each morning, Jack barely made it on time to the school bus. Now 30 years later, at 45, Jack is the last one into his office every morning.

When Rosalie shared an apartment with her college roommates, she rarely washed the dishes and was always on the phone making social arrangements. Now 20 years later, her husband washes the dishes and she makes the family social arrangements.

Throughout our life, our character generally remains the same.
There are those who are on time and those who are late. Some are the life of the party, while others converse with one person in a corner. For some, every action is a fast action while for others, a thoughtful, slow process. We can often predict lifelong personalities of people when we see them as young children.

So realize that all your urging, your preaching, your smacking of lips, and your anger will not change your spouse’s basic character. This conclusion may even give you a sense of relief.

But what should you do with the built-up frustration?

The Road to Power Snuggling
Basic character won’t change, but specific behavior changes are necessary to continue a warm relationship. First, openly praise the character traits of your spouse or friends whom you admire. This will make it easier for them to listen to you when you have issues.

Then, limit your requests to essential and specific changes. If they are like Jack, always late, you can’t expect them to suddenly become the “on-time person.” However, a critical issue for you might be getting to the airport together well in advance. Hopefully, Jack will understand your anxiety and get to the airport at a time he thinks is early and you feel is good enough. Don’t get upset when he runs to the airport newsstand for a magazine a few minutes before boarding time. He may have to board after you.

Some couples try to change each other for years. This is no fun. The goal is for each of you to limit your complaints and agree to request behavior changes only when really necessary. Understanding that some of your ways and your spouse’s ways are very different will help your relationship become calmer and more loving.

Your Weekly Homework
Resolve to accept your spouse or friends as they are and have always been. Discuss a few critical issues that each of you can change. And then be the first to make a change.

Messy Desk

The Odd Couple, a 1970′s TV comedy, starred Tony Randall as Felix Unger (the neat-nik) and Jack Klugman as Oscar Madison (the messy one). Felix and Oscar were two divorced men sharing a New York City apartment.

Oscar Madison: I can’t take it anymore, Felix, I’m cracking up. Everything you do irritates me. And when you’re not here, the things I know you’re gonna do when you come in irritate me. You leave me little notes on my pillow. I told you 158 times I can’t stand little notes on my pillow. “We’re all out of cornflakes. F.U.” Took me three hours to figure out F.U. was Felix Ungar!

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Neatness versus messiness can elevate to become THE major issue with some couples. Conversations might go like this:
Sonia: Why do you say I’m a “neat-nik” ? I’m just average. Besides, neatness is next to godliness.
Ronald: The saying is “cleanliness is next to godliness,” not “neatness.”
Sonia: Same thing.
Ronald: You’re saying it’s normal and not a waste of time to fold underwear before putting it away, to line up each kitchen chair after each meal, to fluff each sofa pillow each time I get up, to trash everything you can’t immediately find a use for and to make the bed just seconds after I get up! You stop living so you can be a neat-nik!
Sonia: And you! You leave crumbs on the table to feed the bugs AND you leave your papers strewn all over the place! AND when you do make the bed, it looks lopsided! You never know where you put your keys AND every night you drop your clothes and socks on the floor!
Ronald: How can you see my socks? It’s dark and you’re sleeping!
Sonia: Aughhhhhhhhh! I can’t stand it!

If you live with an “opposite,” you probably can go on and on with your own examples of horror stories. What should you do?

The Road to Power Snuggling
The book, “A Perfect Mess: the Hidden Benefits of Disorder,” by Abrahamson and Freedman, argues that messy people are more productive because neatness takes more time and quashes creativity. Of course, neat people argue that they are more organized and they save time by knowing where to find things.

The neat person feels more relaxed when they see order in their surroundings. Messy people are not upset with piles of clothes or books and they feel relaxed without their environment controlling them. The truth is, we each need the other as a partner. The messy ones need neat-niks to help keep order. The neat-niks need messy partners who tend to be more laid back and accepting of what is.

As with the Odd Couple, humor can play a big role in creating a calmer environment when life is chaotic. At the same time, humor can produce joy even when life seems too regimented. Of course, there are limits to what each can tolerate and compromise is always needed.

Your Weekly Homework
Listen to each other fully about the advantages of each modus operandi. Also, allow time for both to list the most bothersome behaviors. Each of you should then make some changes to improve the relationship.

As soon as he could speak, the King and Queen taught Prince that being a prince means you are wealthy and you deserve privileges.

Thus, a few months after their wedding, Prince told Cinderella that their carriage needed to be replaced with one that would be the most expensive in the land. It would include a diamond and emerald hood and the finest silk draperies. He said that their current carriage was worn and not “fit for a prince.”

He expected her to praise him for his ideas. Instead he heard her say, most disobediently: ”Paying for such a carriage will mean we can no longer entertain our friends regularly and we can no longer donate adequately to feed the poor.”

Then Cinderella added loudly, “Besides, I would be embarrassed to ride in such an ostentatious carriage!”
“Ostentatious?” Prince asked, confused, for he had seldom heard the word.

Their dispute continued for weeks. He would explain why he must have such a carriage and she would tell him they could not afford it and the jewels adorning the carriage would make her feel uncomfortable.

For weeks he pictured his new carriage and how it would be more elaborate than Prince Showoffit’s carriage. For weeks they argued and for weeks Cinderella frequented the guest chamber at night.
After the Glass Slipper: The 6th Awareness

Almost all couples have minor and, at times, major disagreements about money. An individual’s money values often emanates from childhood experiences. Prince was taught that money should be used to display prestige and power; Cinderella’s mother, who died young, taught her that it was improper to display excessive riches and it was essential to give to those less fortunate.

Those who have read our book know that Cinderella and Prince were able to work out their differences with the help of Fairy Godmother and Caring Godfather. The key is reaching an understanding that eases pain and minimizes resentment.

People may follow or rebel against the ways their birth family handled money. Habits range from wild spenders to mattress stuffers. Should more money be devoted to travel or education? To sports? Food? Technology? Cars? Family connections? Saving for retirement? Clothing? Some families rarely speak about money and others talk about money incessantly. Some get very upset over wasting electricity when a light is left on, while others feel it’s foolish to worry over something so trivial.

When one is questioned about spending, it feels as though their judgment is not respected and their power is being taken away.
What should you do?

The Road to Power Snuggling
First, hit the “pause button” regarding the current money issue. Then, have a general discussion with your partner about your feelings and their feelings regarding money. Discuss the money messages you each received growing up and how these influence you. Discuss how your ideas might have changed over the years due to circumstances. There is no “right way” to spend or save since it depends on your values and circumstances. Therefore, compromise is almost always required.

Next, try to find ways to make money management easier. Many married couples have both individual savings and checking accounts as well as joint, so some purchases can be made without consulting the other. Each of you can suggest ways to cut expenses, making room for higher level desires. Plan ahead so unexpected expenses or situations can be handled.

Your Weekly Homework
Start with the general discussion described above. Then each can offer possible ways to compromise on the current money issues.

After graduating from college, Natasha applied for the perfect public relations job with a wonderful company. She had never wanted anything more.

Competing against more experienced applicants increased her desire to land this position. She spent most waking hours planning for the interview and fantasizing about what it would be like to work there and how she could earn enough to buy her dream car. Lo and behold, she was selected!

Looking back, she realizes those wishes were trivial compared to the yearning she now has after falling in love with Robert.
Her love for Robert is all encompassing. Natasha is both energized and frozen with fear that she will say or do the wrong thing and Robert might drop her. In her office, she writes his name over and over using different letter styles. In her apartment, she keeps her phone close, praying for it to ring. When she hears it, she counts four rings before answering so as not to appear too anxious.

After a few dates, she remembers Robert’s smile and the dimple in his chin, the way he shrugs his shoulders, and the way he holds her hand. Their conversations are etched into her memory. After a particular date she tries to recall whether he used the word “magnificent” or “wonderful” when referring to the restaurant, believing he was really alluding to her.

Surely, her love for Robert is as important as being alive, for she could not imagine continuing without being with him the rest of her life.

Why we love
Helen Fisher’s book, WHY WE LOVE, describes how, over hundreds of thousands of years, people have needed to be loved and to offer love. This love is apart from the need for sexual union to continue the human race. Her research was conducted through a combination of interviews, questionnaires and brain scans of people who recently had “fallen in love.”

She concludes:
– All individuals, regardless of their culture, whether they are gay or straight, or whether they are 18 or 80 years old, seek a special person to love.
– An individual can only fall in love with one person at a time.
– When one falls in love, all other concerns take second place.
– There is strong evidence that even animals, such as elephants, foxes and apes fall in love by carefully selecting and cherishing a particular mate. This indicates that evolution paved the way for wiring human brains to select a partner.
– Romantic love is a primary motivational system inherent in the brain that allows us to choose a particular person.
– Romantic love is triggered by a complex set of brain chemistries, including dopamine and other neurotransmitters. The result produces obsessive thinking which focuses on an extreme urgency to select this particular love partner and no other.
– The experience leaves indelible brain patterns that can be recalled decades later.

The Road to Power Snuggling
Natasha’s romantic stage will fade within a few years to be replaced, hopefully, with deep, long-term love. The romantic stage, with all the neurological triggers, helped Natasha choose Robert as a partner. Now mutual support is required to enjoy long-term and fulfilling love. However, like most couples there will be power struggles along the way.

Though we can not and should not return to our “falling in love” stage, we can rekindle romance and cultivate long-term love. This is achieved by regularly empathizing, daily appreciations and accepting what we might view as annoying behavior.

Your Weekly Homework
Think back to the time you fell in love with your partner. Remember how you met and what attracted you to him or her. Remember the romantic times together. Realize that this was just the prelude for establishing a long-term relationship. Plan what you can do now to enjoy your future time together.