Try this as a guide:

The area labeled Joint Decisions is required for major decisions such as where to live and which house to buy, how many children to have and how to raise them, and decisions on large expenditures. You also need to decide jointly on dozens of other less important decisions like what friends to see together and where to dine.

Pat and Chris’ areas are reserved for their individual decisions and include where they want to work, what to eat, wear or read, their choices of hobbies and classes, what toothpaste to use, and their personal methods of performing certain tasks such as washing dishes or mowing the lawn.

Conflicts arise when one partner continually tries to make a decision for the other in the individual decision area.

For example you may hear:
Pat: “Chris, that shirt doesn’t work at all. It clashes with your blue socks.”
Chris: “Nobody’s going to look at my socks. Besides I love this shirt!”
Later at the party, Pat whispers, “Even though they’re strawberries, the chocolate dipping has lots of calories.”
Chris later complains, “I wish you wouldn’t tell me what to wear and what to eat. That’s my business.”
Pat: “I’m only trying to help you look nice and I care very much about your health.”

The Road to Power Snuggling
Conflict can be avoided by agreeing to enter the other’s individual circle only when advice is specifically requested. We now hear you saying, “But, I only want my partner to be happy and they need protection.”
And we say, “Stop! Chances are you’ve told your partner many times to stop eating fatty foods or to load the dishwasher differently or, or, ….. or. They know your concerns. Concentrate on those decisions in the joint area and stay out of their circles unless advice is requested.”

It’s okay for Pat to occasionally warn Chris of overeating or wearing the right clothes, but not repetitively, not every day or even every week.

Caution regarding joint decisions
When one partner regularly delegates joint decisions to the other, it shouldn’t be because the other has given up and is afraid of an argument. In most cases each partner should provide input and listen to the other’s feelings before a decision is made.

Your weekly homework
Think of the decisions you have made together that have turned out well and the process you used. Try to continue that process. Think of conflicts which occurred when one spouse regularly entered the other’s area. In the future, working to avoid each other’s circle of control will reduce resentment in your relationship.

“Again you said you’d be home at seven and it’s almost seven-thirty!” Irma shakes her head at Tim in disbelief.
“It’s no big deal. I had to leave the office late and then there was terrible traffic.”
Later it was Tim’s turn to complain:
“You said you’d schedule the plumber. You forgot and now we can’t call him until Monday!” Irma and Tim have had similar conversations for three years. They now stare blankly at each across the dinner table thinking of ways to get the other to change.

We may feel unloved if our spouse doesn’t accommodate our desires. Resentment builds as we complain more and get no results.

We all have different values for what is important. It might be dissatisfaction with the amount of touching, being on time, how to maintain the house, or ways to manage money. The fact that we chose each other means there was something very special which we admired. If we marry thinking of accepting all the wonderful parts and believing we can change the annoyances, we will be disappointed. Some behaviors are not tolerable, but acceptance and adjustment often works best.

The Road to Power Snuggling
Initially, when frustrated, an “I message” is useful: “Tim, when I can’t count on your word that you’ll be home by 7, I feel unimportant and frustrated. I realize sometimes you might not be able to leave work on time, but I rely on your commitment and it disrupts my schedule when I can’t depend on you.” Hopefully, Tim will hear her frustrations and do his best to be on time. But in situations where no change continues for months or years, Irma needs to understand that lateness is ingrained in Tim’s personality and adjusting to it might be best. Irma might assume Tim will be late and plan her activities accordingly. When Tim isn’t criticized he is more likely to go out of his way to please Irma.
Similarly, if Tim holds back on his criticism of Irma not getting the plumber, she will be more likely feel that responsibility and work harder to schedule an appointment. We all want to feel competent and dependable. Constant reminders and criticism actually encourage our partners to continue their frustrating behavior.

If each person adjusts to the other’s quirks, without resentment, there is a better chance of realizing some change. Instead of regular hugs, which may be difficult for someone who grew up in a non-hugging family, the couple might go dancing and feel physically closer. If one is more money-conscious, let that person take the lead and schedule a weekly time to discuss the issues. This, of course, doesn’t mean the other won’t have a say in finances. If we choose areas of responsibility that work best for each of us, without forcing the other into it, our relationship will thrive with less conflict.

Your weekly homework
Think of some repeated conflicts you have had. Identify ways you can accept and adjust to these situations and try them out this week.

Across a crowded room….
“Some enchanted evening
You may see a stranger,
You may see a stranger
Across a crowded room
And somehow you know,
You know even then
That somewhere you’ll see her
Again and again.”
– Song from South Pacific
(Search site for complete lyrics)

We meet hundreds of people before we find someone who attracts us so much that we decide to marry them. When asked, “Why that person?” people might say, “Because they were good looking, intelligent, and had similar interests to mine.” They add, “And they were fun to be with.” In fact, so much fun to be with that they couldn’t imagine not being with them. The truth is they’ve met dozens of people with very similar characteristics they had described, but only found that one to marry. Why do we select that special person?

In his research of couples, Harville Hendrix, who founded Imago Therapy, discovered that one partner in long-term relationships is almost always a “Maximizer” and the other a “Minimizer.” One talks more, is more likely to answer the phone when it rings, makes social arrangements, and speaks first when greeting others. The other may have just as much power in the relationship but uses their power in more reserved ways.

The Minimizer (perhaps a man in this illustration) sees this stranger across a crowded room laughing and socializing with a crowd of others. He has an urge to be with her and enjoy the festivities, but that is not his nature. The Maximizer (perhaps a woman) sees this quiet, thoughtful man in the same room, listening and nodding and seeming to be powerfully together. She thinks, “I have to meet this man.” Unconsciously, each yearns for parts of the other’s personality. The quieter one thinks, “Wouldn’t it be great if I could be so social?” The other thinks, “Wouldn’t it be great if I could be so introspective, thoughtful and controlled?” Eventually, the pull is so great that they meet.

What happens? After months or years together, what was an attraction can now become a great annoyance. “Help! She’s always on the phone yapping away and laughing!” and “Help! He’s constantly on the computer and reading his manuals!” Each then believes it is his or her duty to change the other. A power struggle begins and unless couples find ways to alleviate the situation the power struggle might end the relationship or become a lifetime of conflict.

The Road to Power Snuggling
Harville Hendrix finds that couples need to work through this “power struggle stage” so they can move, over time, to the long-term love stage.

How? First couples need to develop a conscious relationship. They need to see the relationship as if they were a spectator looking from outside at this couple who happens to be themselves. By consciously reviewing their own behavior as well as their partner’s, both can make the necessary adjustments. They will expand themselves by acquiring some of the parts they appreciated in their partner when they first met. The maximizer will grow by finding that she can at times be more introspective, thoughtful, and a good listener; the minimizer will grow by finding he can be more socially interactive and lead more. They will still maintain their comfortable roles as maximizer and minimizer, but instead of being annoyed by each other’s behavior, each will again admire the attributes of the other that they found so enlightening when they first met. Not easy, but the results will provide the couple with greater harmony.

Your Weekly Homework
With your spouse, speak of what you felt when you first were attracted to each other. Make a conscious effort to stretch and develop some of these parts in yourself.

Comments are encouraged.

“Come on, Sylvia, we’re going to miss our plane!”
“I just need another minute. There’s little traffic on Sunday. Lighten up!”
“There could be an accident and you know how long it takes to go through security!”
“Just a few more seconds, Ben!”
“Can’t you finish that in the car so we can……………”

Sound familiar? Ben wants to be at the airport two hours in advance. Sylvia is happy to get there just in time to slip into the plane. People differ in their feelings about time schedules. We are born with an internal clock telling us what it means to be “on time” and we somehow pick partners with a different clock. Our time conflicts can go on for years unless we decide to change.

In this dialogue Ben will become more anxious each minute and Sylvia will become more anxious (though she might hide it) as Ben complains.

The Road to Power Snuggling
Frequently spouses need to meet the same time schedule as they travel together on planes, attend parties, see movies, and meet others. The solution does not so much lie in calculating the time needed to get to a plane or a party, as much as it requires understanding how to relieve each other’s anxiety.

So what will relieve Ben’s anxiety? He needs to get to the airport well in advance so he can relax. In this case Sylvia has to realize that just thinking of a missed plane will drive Ben bonkers. Without resentment, she needs to read a book or talk on her cell phone while they wait at the airport for an hour or more. This becomes a win-win situation because it relieves both of their anxieties.

But, when it comes to an event where being late will not have dire consequences, such as attending a party, Ben needs to accept Sylvia’s relaxed clock. While Sylvia is getting ready, he needs to read or watch TV and refrain from any nagging. Both should understand that they will never change the other’s internal clock by trying to convince them with facts or figures.

On some occasions such as movies or sports events, they need to agree to a time schedule well in advance.

Your Weekly Homework
Together, review situations when you had disagreements about time. Each person should define what important deadlines mean to them. Then discuss how you can accommodate each other’s time clock. Plan out the next set of events with the goal of relieving the anxiety of both partners. Stick to it without resentment.

The male leopard, like many partners male and female, is probably thinking, “I won’t change who I am! She is trying to control me and push me to be someone else.”

Au contraire! Changing behavior doesn’t mean changing your personality. Your personality attributes will actually be enhanced as you modify your behavior to support each other. Certainly, you don’t want to sacrifice who you are. However, you will both benefit by finding ways to accommodate the other without feeling resentful.

By using the conscientious part of your personality, which you use at your work, you can also be conscientious about helping your partner. By using the trusting part of your personality that your close friends experience, you can bring greater trust to your relationship.

It does require a behavior change but, yes, you can take out the garbage without changing your spots.

The Road to Power Snuggling
To Power Snuggle means you support your partner at least as much and hopefully more than other friendships, your work, and your hobbies. Think: “What will please my partner today?” Over time, he or she will want to do the same for you. And your love will grow.

Your Weekly Homework
Together, recall the times when you asked for assistance and your partner’s first reaction was resentment. Then, both of you recall the times when you asked for assistance and your partner was willing to help as a friend would. Discuss how your partner’s response affected you in the two scenarios. Then vow together to reduce resentment and gain pleasure by helping the person you love. This will foster friendship and increase harmony.

Being in control is important to everyone. We feel we lose part of ourselves when we are told to do something we think is not necessary. No one wants to be told how to do something as simple as loading the dishwasher. Some people try to get the last fork in. Others believe it is wonderful to just finish the job.

The Road to Power Snuggling
It helps to understand how our brains work. We have an analytical part (the neo-cortex) and the emotional part (housed in the limbic system). When an argument develops, each partner believes they are being analytical – and to some extent they are. But behind this conflict the strong emotional part kicks in: “I don’t want my partner to control me!”

What’s the solution to loading the dishwasher? Agree that whomever does the loading loads in their own way. Often couples will designate the same person to the task, but no matter who does the work, agree that he or she will decide how to load. Relationships are too valuable to destroy over dishwasher loading or many other “mole hills” that become mountains to climb.