*    *   *

What is a meta message?
A “message” is the exact meaning of words spoken. A “meta-message” expresses someone’s true emotions and what they are implying. Meta-messages must be interpreted by the listener from the context, the tone of voice and the history of your relationship. Sometimes the true meaning is obvious, but it usually requires interpretation from your experience and insight.

A meta-message that is easy to understand
Message: “Bill, I’d love to go to the movies with you, but unfortunately this Saturday night I have to give my dog a bath.”

Meta message: I’m waiting for a better date and I’d rather stay home than ever date you! But I don’t want to hurt your feelings by telling you directly.

Meta-messages that are more difficult to interpret
Frank: “Clara, let’s not go to the Italian restaurant again. I’m tired of pasta and it’s noisy there. How about a quiet place that serves soup and salad?”

Meta message could be:
Option A: I want you to lose weight by keeping you away from fattening foods.
Option B: I’m afraid I’m gaining weight and want to stay away from fattening foods.
Option C: I’m not that hungry and I’ve had a hard day. I want a simple, quiet meal.

How do we know whether the meta-message is A, B, or C? We have to rely on the history of the relationship, the tone of the words and what has recently transpired. For example, if either party has recently mentioned Clara having a weight problem, Option A might be the meta-message. If Frank has spoken at length about his hard day, we might pick Option C.

Another meta-message
Clara: “This is an interesting article. It says men are more inclined to focus on the small details and make quick financial decisions compared to women.”

Frank, sitting nearby: (Silence)

Meta message of silence from Frank could mean:
Option A: I’m concentrating on something else right now, but I might discuss it later.
Option B: I don’t want to respond because it might lead to an argument.
Option C: That makes sense. No comment needed.
Option D: She’s mumbling again. Can’t she see I’m busy?

The Road to Power Snuggling
Be aware that words often include subtle, underlying messages. Understanding our partner’s implied emotions enables us to maintain a good relationship. Most conversations are bursting with meta-messages. They are often used to conceal or subtly reveal one’s true feelings and protect either the speaker, the listener or both. The speakers are not always aware that they are sending meta-messages. If questioned, they might deny their true intentions.

Your Weekly Homework
Spend time this week listening for the meta-messages your partner is sending. To better understand their true feelings, expand the conversation, without accusation. As you talk, listen to your own internal voices so you better understand the messages you are sending. (For more information, read Deborah Tannen’s book, You Just Don’t Understand: Women and Men in Conversation.)

Mildred: Gene! I can’t stand it! Get rid of your stuff or I’ll get rid of you! You’ve junked up the house with boxes of stuff you’ve never used, books you’ll never read, tools you’ll never need, a bread machine that’s never kneaded bread and smelly spray cans that will never, ever spray!!
Gene: Hold on! When I need a tool, I’m not about to re-buy it! And what about you? You have tons of ancient birthday cards that clutter —
Mildred: Cards don’t clutter! They take up no space! Your stuff is BIG! So you want me to throw out my lovely cards?
Gene: Millie, just keep last year’s cards. But I have to have my tools. I never know when one is needed.

Stuff, stuff, and more stuff!

Mildred: This house is a holy wreck. I can’t live like this! Please, PLEASE! At least toss out more than you buy!

Gene: The stuff isn’t hurting anyone and—
Mildred: Ahhhggghhhh!

The Road to Power Snuggling  Most families include the “savers” (sometimes certified pack-rats) and the “tossers” (Sometimes certified minimalists) who feel the clothes on their back are all they will ever need.)

Relationships falter when the disparity grates on the nerves of the other. Stuff clogs the house and creates cobwebs in one’s mind. Some semblance of a neat house will bring greater harmony to your relationship. Even pack-rats can be convinced that some stuff will never be needed; even minimalists can be convinced that some items used infrequently should be kept.

Your Weekly Homework
Clear your house and your mind. Make time this week to start selling unneeded stuff or giving to charity or others. This cooperative effort will make room for a more peaceful, loving relationship.

(P.S. We recently listed our give-aways on Craig’s List. We received 82 responses in 30 minutes! Within hours it was all gone!)

Nicole could barely breathe with everything that was going on. Brad had business in Dallas, both the kids had the flu and Nicole didn’t know yet whether she would have to miss work once again. And, of course, today the toilet decided to overflow.
The phone just rang and Nicole’s part-time baby sitter said she couldn’t come today because her brother-in-law was sick. Nicole started to ask why the brother-in-law’s illness had anything to do with not coming, but stopped short.

“Well, will you be able to come on Thursday?” she heard herself asking. The sitter hesitated, “That depends.

“Nicole called other sitters but had no luck. (I hate this! If I could only have a few hours just to myself some day!)
Later that night after the kids were in bed, she collapsed fully clothed on top of the quilt.

Her dream was vivid. She was sitting on a tree branch next to a stream, surrounded by tall pine trees. Occasionally, fish splashed at the water’s surface. She was alone, reading the book her aunt had sent her for her birthday months ago. A robin seemed to be chirping, “Watcha reading? Watcha reading?” The robin then began talking, telling her how he flies away from his flock of robins when he needs to, whenever there is too much commotion. Nicole felt so snuggly and warm.

The Road to Power Snuggling  We all need some time and space for ourselves. We can’t function or enjoy life without regular time to relax and do what we want for ourselves. Partners should find ways to provide this time for each other, at least weekly and hopefully, daily. This “alone time” time should be provided freely, lovingly and without resentment.

Your Weekly Homework 
Think of the private alone time each of you needs. Develop a plan to make sure you both get it.

Al and Steve are talking at work: Al: Sandy is great most of the time, but you know what really bugs me about her? When she starts to file her nails in the car. We’re coasting along on the freeway, it’s a beautiful spring day and suddenly I hear this grating sound! I just can’t stand it!

Steve: That wouldn’t bother me, but making me wait really bugs me. Marlene’s all dressed, we’re ready to leave and she always, and I mean always, goes back into the house for something she forgot! Then I have to sit waiting in a hot car!

That night, the men's wives, Sandy and Marlene are talking on the phone: 

Sandy: Al is handy around the house, but it's so, so annoying when he walks in with muddy shoes and leaves his dirty tools on the furniture. I've told him dozens of times, but he doesn't seem to care! Then, of course, there's leaving the toilet seat up! 

Marlene: Yeah, that is annoying. Steve's like that, too. But what really tees me off is when he slurps his soup. It may seem like a little thing, but it's disgusting to hear. Why can't he just learn to eat quietly!

A new book, What Bugs Us, by Joe Palca and Flora Lichtman, describes how we all are bugged by some of the same things, like a fly buzzing or nails screeching on a blackboard, but in addition, we each have specific behaviors that particularly bug us. In relationships, these seemingly small problems can be abrasive and eventually cause major blowups. How do we “de-bug” ?

The Road to Power Snuggling
It is not useful to tell your spouse, “99% of people would have no problem with what I do.” Rather, listen to the complaint and give serious consideration about altering the habit.  Living with a partner requires changes which we wouldn’t need to make if we were living alone. If some habits go unnoticed, like snapping your pen continuously, it won’t hurt your relationship. However, when annoying behaviors are identified by you or your partner, follow this de-bugging guide:
First, see if you can simply stop the behavior. For example, be conscious of the  “slurp factor” and try to eat soup more quietly, which may require waiting for it to cool.
Second, carry out the activity when your spouse is not present — such as filing your nails.
Third, make corrections right away. For example, vacuum the floor immediately after you track in dirt.And don’t forget to put the toilet seat down!

Your weekly homework
Each of you make a list of 2 or 3 things that bug you, starting with the highest level bug. Tell your spouse how you intend to de-bug. Do it!

* * *

Loving couple

Each morning, Jack barely made it on time to the school bus. Now 30 years later, at 45, Jack is the last one into his office every morning.

When Rosalie shared an apartment with her college roommates, she rarely washed the dishes and was always on the phone making social arrangements. Now 20 years later, her husband washes the dishes and she makes the family social arrangements.

Throughout our life, our character generally remains the same.
There are those who are on time and those who are late. Some are the life of the party, while others converse with one person in a corner. For some, every action is a fast action while for others, a thoughtful, slow process. We can often predict lifelong personalities of people when we see them as young children.

So realize that all your urging, your preaching, your smacking of lips, and your anger will not change your spouse’s basic character. This conclusion may even give you a sense of relief.

But what should you do with the built-up frustration?

The Road to Power Snuggling
Basic character won’t change, but specific behavior changes are necessary to continue a warm relationship. First, openly praise the character traits of your spouse or friends whom you admire. This will make it easier for them to listen to you when you have issues.

Then, limit your requests to essential and specific changes. If they are like Jack, always late, you can’t expect them to suddenly become the “on-time person.” However, a critical issue for you might be getting to the airport together well in advance. Hopefully, Jack will understand your anxiety and get to the airport at a time he thinks is early and you feel is good enough. Don’t get upset when he runs to the airport newsstand for a magazine a few minutes before boarding time. He may have to board after you.

Some couples try to change each other for years. This is no fun. The goal is for each of you to limit your complaints and agree to request behavior changes only when really necessary. Understanding that some of your ways and your spouse’s ways are very different will help your relationship become calmer and more loving.

Your Weekly Homework
Resolve to accept your spouse or friends as they are and have always been. Discuss a few critical issues that each of you can change. And then be the first to make a change.

Susan and Peter
They meet at a ski resort. Both are outgoing and have a great sense of humor. She is a lawyer, specializing in health law. He is a healthcare economist. They grew up within a few miles of each other near Providence. They both enjoy collecting modern paintings. They talk up a storm until 3am.

Ronald and Jennifer
They meet in the grocery store. He’s about to cook a gourmet meal. She’s never cooked much – just basic meals. She volunteers at the local animal shelter. Ronald always wanted a dog, but has never had one. Ronald is an award winning author. Jennifer teaches ballet. He invites her to join him and his friends for dinner that night.

Obviously, we can’t be sure which couple will be happier. But research indicates the outlook is brighter for Ronald and Jennifer. Why?

As reported in the NY Times (Jan. 2, 2011, Week in Review) studies show that experiencing “self-expansion” from one’s partner is key to a committed and satisfying long-term relationship. The article notes that “for centuries, marriage was viewed as an economic and social institution…” In modern relationships, people want partners who make their lives more interesting.

Couples benefit most when they each feel the freedom and encouragement from the other to grow in many ways, thus realizing their own talents and potential by drawing on the other.

Because of their differences, Ronald and Jennifer have the potential to make each other’s life more interesting. Of course, they each have to want to learn from the other. Susan and Peter can do the same, but since they’ve begun their relationship with similar personalities and interests, they may have to work harder to stimulate each other’s growth.

When people first fall in love, they quickly experience “self-expansion” with this new and exciting person. They take on new roles during the romantic stage. Over time, the personal gains become more subtle. However, differences – rather than similarities – provide the spark and challenges that sustain a long-term happy relationship. We all seek emotional growth and a desire to improve ourselves. Being in a relationship with one who helps us grow is the ultimate ingredient for sustained love and happiness.

The Road to Power Snuggling
By examining the other’s strengths and interests, you can find stimulating growth areas for one or both of you. In addition to hobbies and interests, one person may be more outgoing and the other more pensive; one may be more creative and the other more practical. These differences provide a recipe of growth for each partner by participating or simply learning and admiring the abilities of the other. Though there are countless other factors which lead to happy marriages, taking advantage of your differences is one of the best starting points.

Your Weekly Homework
Whether you have been together for weeks or years, think about what you can learn from each other and encourage your partner to grow. The result will be a happier and more loving relationship.

There are overt 50 Snuggles on our website. Explore some you may have missed.

Often we find we know less about our partner than their parents, friends, and co-workers. Though it’s not necessary to know the name of the hospital where they were born, couples get closer by understanding each other’s background.

What do you know about your love partner?
Try this 15 question quiz:
1. In what city and hospital were they born?
2. Where did their grandparents live and what was their
occupation?
3. Which grandparent was their favorite and why?
4. What do they admire about their siblings and what do they dislike about them, if anything?
5. What were their favorite school subjects in high school and college?
6. What made their parents proud of them?
7. For what reasons were their parents disappointed in them?
8. While growing up, what was their greatest fear?
9. What was their most embarrassing moment?
10. What major illnesses or accidents have they had?
11. What are their favorite books, movies, and songs?
12. What did they wish for when they were young?
13. What do they wish for now?
14. What annoys them most about you?
15. What pleases them most about you?

For extra credit:
1. What is their shoe size?
2. What street did they live on while growing up?

The Road to Power Snuggling
You can become closer by knowing what makes each of you happy, sad, or upset. Being interested in your partner’s past helps you become a soul-mate!

Your Weekly Homework
Spend some time exchanging life experiences with your partner, including answering some of these questions and other information you have wondered about.

Try this as a guide:

The area labeled Joint Decisions is required for major decisions such as where to live and which house to buy, how many children to have and how to raise them, and decisions on large expenditures. You also need to decide jointly on dozens of other less important decisions like what friends to see together and where to dine.

Pat and Chris’ areas are reserved for their individual decisions and include where they want to work, what to eat, wear or read, their choices of hobbies and classes, what toothpaste to use, and their personal methods of performing certain tasks such as washing dishes or mowing the lawn.

Conflicts arise when one partner continually tries to make a decision for the other in the individual decision area.

For example you may hear:
Pat: “Chris, that shirt doesn’t work at all. It clashes with your blue socks.”
Chris: “Nobody’s going to look at my socks. Besides I love this shirt!”
Later at the party, Pat whispers, “Even though they’re strawberries, the chocolate dipping has lots of calories.”
Chris later complains, “I wish you wouldn’t tell me what to wear and what to eat. That’s my business.”
Pat: “I’m only trying to help you look nice and I care very much about your health.”

The Road to Power Snuggling
Conflict can be avoided by agreeing to enter the other’s individual circle only when advice is specifically requested. We now hear you saying, “But, I only want my partner to be happy and they need protection.”
And we say, “Stop! Chances are you’ve told your partner many times to stop eating fatty foods or to load the dishwasher differently or, or, ….. or. They know your concerns. Concentrate on those decisions in the joint area and stay out of their circles unless advice is requested.”

It’s okay for Pat to occasionally warn Chris of overeating or wearing the right clothes, but not repetitively, not every day or even every week.

Caution regarding joint decisions
When one partner regularly delegates joint decisions to the other, it shouldn’t be because the other has given up and is afraid of an argument. In most cases each partner should provide input and listen to the other’s feelings before a decision is made.

Your weekly homework
Think of the decisions you have made together that have turned out well and the process you used. Try to continue that process. Think of conflicts which occurred when one spouse regularly entered the other’s area. In the future, working to avoid each other’s circle of control will reduce resentment in your relationship.

“Again you said you’d be home at seven and it’s almost seven-thirty!” Irma shakes her head at Tim in disbelief.
“It’s no big deal. I had to leave the office late and then there was terrible traffic.”
Later it was Tim’s turn to complain:
“You said you’d schedule the plumber. You forgot and now we can’t call him until Monday!” Irma and Tim have had similar conversations for three years. They now stare blankly at each across the dinner table thinking of ways to get the other to change.

We may feel unloved if our spouse doesn’t accommodate our desires. Resentment builds as we complain more and get no results.

We all have different values for what is important. It might be dissatisfaction with the amount of touching, being on time, how to maintain the house, or ways to manage money. The fact that we chose each other means there was something very special which we admired. If we marry thinking of accepting all the wonderful parts and believing we can change the annoyances, we will be disappointed. Some behaviors are not tolerable, but acceptance and adjustment often works best.

The Road to Power Snuggling
Initially, when frustrated, an “I message” is useful: “Tim, when I can’t count on your word that you’ll be home by 7, I feel unimportant and frustrated. I realize sometimes you might not be able to leave work on time, but I rely on your commitment and it disrupts my schedule when I can’t depend on you.” Hopefully, Tim will hear her frustrations and do his best to be on time. But in situations where no change continues for months or years, Irma needs to understand that lateness is ingrained in Tim’s personality and adjusting to it might be best. Irma might assume Tim will be late and plan her activities accordingly. When Tim isn’t criticized he is more likely to go out of his way to please Irma.
Similarly, if Tim holds back on his criticism of Irma not getting the plumber, she will be more likely feel that responsibility and work harder to schedule an appointment. We all want to feel competent and dependable. Constant reminders and criticism actually encourage our partners to continue their frustrating behavior.

If each person adjusts to the other’s quirks, without resentment, there is a better chance of realizing some change. Instead of regular hugs, which may be difficult for someone who grew up in a non-hugging family, the couple might go dancing and feel physically closer. If one is more money-conscious, let that person take the lead and schedule a weekly time to discuss the issues. This, of course, doesn’t mean the other won’t have a say in finances. If we choose areas of responsibility that work best for each of us, without forcing the other into it, our relationship will thrive with less conflict.

Your weekly homework
Think of some repeated conflicts you have had. Identify ways you can accept and adjust to these situations and try them out this week.

Across a crowded room….
“Some enchanted evening
You may see a stranger,
You may see a stranger
Across a crowded room
And somehow you know,
You know even then
That somewhere you’ll see her
Again and again.”
– Song from South Pacific
(Search site for complete lyrics)

We meet hundreds of people before we find someone who attracts us so much that we decide to marry them. When asked, “Why that person?” people might say, “Because they were good looking, intelligent, and had similar interests to mine.” They add, “And they were fun to be with.” In fact, so much fun to be with that they couldn’t imagine not being with them. The truth is they’ve met dozens of people with very similar characteristics they had described, but only found that one to marry. Why do we select that special person?

In his research of couples, Harville Hendrix, who founded Imago Therapy, discovered that one partner in long-term relationships is almost always a “Maximizer” and the other a “Minimizer.” One talks more, is more likely to answer the phone when it rings, makes social arrangements, and speaks first when greeting others. The other may have just as much power in the relationship but uses their power in more reserved ways.

The Minimizer (perhaps a man in this illustration) sees this stranger across a crowded room laughing and socializing with a crowd of others. He has an urge to be with her and enjoy the festivities, but that is not his nature. The Maximizer (perhaps a woman) sees this quiet, thoughtful man in the same room, listening and nodding and seeming to be powerfully together. She thinks, “I have to meet this man.” Unconsciously, each yearns for parts of the other’s personality. The quieter one thinks, “Wouldn’t it be great if I could be so social?” The other thinks, “Wouldn’t it be great if I could be so introspective, thoughtful and controlled?” Eventually, the pull is so great that they meet.

What happens? After months or years together, what was an attraction can now become a great annoyance. “Help! She’s always on the phone yapping away and laughing!” and “Help! He’s constantly on the computer and reading his manuals!” Each then believes it is his or her duty to change the other. A power struggle begins and unless couples find ways to alleviate the situation the power struggle might end the relationship or become a lifetime of conflict.

The Road to Power Snuggling
Harville Hendrix finds that couples need to work through this “power struggle stage” so they can move, over time, to the long-term love stage.

How? First couples need to develop a conscious relationship. They need to see the relationship as if they were a spectator looking from outside at this couple who happens to be themselves. By consciously reviewing their own behavior as well as their partner’s, both can make the necessary adjustments. They will expand themselves by acquiring some of the parts they appreciated in their partner when they first met. The maximizer will grow by finding that she can at times be more introspective, thoughtful, and a good listener; the minimizer will grow by finding he can be more socially interactive and lead more. They will still maintain their comfortable roles as maximizer and minimizer, but instead of being annoyed by each other’s behavior, each will again admire the attributes of the other that they found so enlightening when they first met. Not easy, but the results will provide the couple with greater harmony.

Your Weekly Homework
With your spouse, speak of what you felt when you first were attracted to each other. Make a conscious effort to stretch and develop some of these parts in yourself.

Comments are encouraged.