* * *

Mayberry at airport

Now that Mayberry had her master’s degree, she was moving to L.A. to seek a new life. She knew this would include finding her soulmate. Waiting for her plane, she overheard a couple nearby.

“Wow, Cindy, the Yankees got three runs in the ninth and beat the Sox!”
“You know Roger, I hope it’s not raining when we get there. I didn’t pack an umbrella.”
“Jeter got the final hit, even with his sore back!”
“Roger, we have to get something to bring them, when we visit your brother.”
“Uh-huh…”
A minute later Roger walked away with his newspaper. Cindy checked her cell phone.

Mayberry wheeled her carry-on to a food court for a snack before returning to the gate. She sat in another area next to an “older couple,” by her standards. She heard:
“Oscar, do you think we can get to the Farmer’s Market in L.A.?
“For sure! I love that market! I was there all the time as a kid.
“Really?”
“Yep, my grandfather used to take me.”
“Can’t wait to see what you saw as a kid.”
“Maggie, you also wanted to go to the Getty Museum. Maybe we can go there on Tuesday.”

On the plane, Mayberry compared the conversations of the couples. She knew that she and her soulmate would never be as disconnected as Cindy and Roger.

The Road to Power Snuggling
In the first conversation, Cindy need not be interested in baseball to connect with Roger. However, she could have validated Roger’s enthusiasm by merely saying, “Sounds like your Yanks are on a roll!” And Roger could have connected with Cindy’s concern about the rain by saying, “Maybe we can pick up an umbrella in L.A.” Relationships are closest when each respects the other’s interests, past and present and if possible, participates in the other’s activities.

Your Weekly Homework
Like Mayberry, notice how other couples are conversing. Notice who is connecting and who is ignoring or pushing the other aside. Think about conversations you and your partner are having and discover better ways to connect.

As soon as he could speak, the King and Queen taught Prince that being a prince means you are wealthy and you deserve privileges.

Thus, a few months after their wedding, Prince told Cinderella that their carriage needed to be replaced with one that would be the most expensive in the land. It would include a diamond and emerald hood and the finest silk draperies. He said that their current carriage was worn and not “fit for a prince.”

He expected her to praise him for his ideas. Instead he heard her say, most disobediently: ”Paying for such a carriage will mean we can no longer entertain our friends regularly and we can no longer donate adequately to feed the poor.”

Then Cinderella added loudly, “Besides, I would be embarrassed to ride in such an ostentatious carriage!”
“Ostentatious?” Prince asked, confused, for he had seldom heard the word.

Their dispute continued for weeks. He would explain why he must have such a carriage and she would tell him they could not afford it and the jewels adorning the carriage would make her feel uncomfortable.

For weeks he pictured his new carriage and how it would be more elaborate than Prince Showoffit’s carriage. For weeks they argued and for weeks Cinderella frequented the guest chamber at night.
After the Glass Slipper: The 6th Awareness

Almost all couples have minor and, at times, major disagreements about money. An individual’s money values often emanates from childhood experiences. Prince was taught that money should be used to display prestige and power; Cinderella’s mother, who died young, taught her that it was improper to display excessive riches and it was essential to give to those less fortunate.

Those who have read our book know that Cinderella and Prince were able to work out their differences with the help of Fairy Godmother and Caring Godfather. The key is reaching an understanding that eases pain and minimizes resentment.

People may follow or rebel against the ways their birth family handled money. Habits range from wild spenders to mattress stuffers. Should more money be devoted to travel or education? To sports? Food? Technology? Cars? Family connections? Saving for retirement? Clothing? Some families rarely speak about money and others talk about money incessantly. Some get very upset over wasting electricity when a light is left on, while others feel it’s foolish to worry over something so trivial.

When one is questioned about spending, it feels as though their judgment is not respected and their power is being taken away.
What should you do?

The Road to Power Snuggling
First, hit the “pause button” regarding the current money issue. Then, have a general discussion with your partner about your feelings and their feelings regarding money. Discuss the money messages you each received growing up and how these influence you. Discuss how your ideas might have changed over the years due to circumstances. There is no “right way” to spend or save since it depends on your values and circumstances. Therefore, compromise is almost always required.

Next, try to find ways to make money management easier. Many married couples have both individual savings and checking accounts as well as joint, so some purchases can be made without consulting the other. Each of you can suggest ways to cut expenses, making room for higher level desires. Plan ahead so unexpected expenses or situations can be handled.

Your Weekly Homework
Start with the general discussion described above. Then each can offer possible ways to compromise on the current money issues.

Two days after the party, Sophie was on the phone talking to Theresa.
Sophie: You sure planned a great get-together.
Theresa: Yeah, everyone seemed to enjoy it. What’s new with you?
Sophie: I’m okay, except for Phil. He’s in one of his moods, constantly on the computer and very quiet the last few days.
Theresa: What’s going on?
Sophie: Who knows. He just gets that way sometimes. I hate it and don’t know what to do! Any ideas?
Theresa: Well, I’m not sure, but could it be what you said to him at the party?
Sophie: What did I say?
Theresa: Well, I thought you made fun of him.
Sophie: What are you talking about?
Theresa: You said he loves all-you-can-eat restaurants and then he has a hard time waddling out.
Sophie: Oh, that. I certainly never meant to upset him. He is overweight and he knows it!
Theresa: As your best friend, I have to tell you it was uncomfortable listening.
Sophie: Really? But everyone laughed!
Theresa: Sophie, believe me, it was uncomfortable and I saw Phil leaving for the TV room right after your comment. He kind of lost his usual spark the rest of the evening.

Criticizing a partner in front of others can quickly deflate even a good relationship. People are often unaware of the impact a few spoken words have both on their partner and others listening.

For example, these comments might seem trivial when delivered, but can harm a relationship for hours or days:
“Liz never gets the punch line right. Let me tell you how it really happened.” Or, “You know how Ben can make a mountain out of a mole hill. Well, he just did.”
If you have an issue with your partner, save it for private times. Even “teasing” should be avoided when others are around.

The Road to Power Snuggling
When with others, avoid discussing topics that are sensitive to your partner, such as Phil’s weight. Even if you have a small problem with your partner, tell them when you are alone. Mention it in a way they can hear using “I” messages (“I get frustrated when…”) rather than, “You always…” or, “You should…”

The flip side is how to help your relationship grow when you are with others. Complimenting your partner in a group is even more powerful than when you are alone. For example, “Fran is quite modest and won’t tell you, but she outdid herself yesterday in her testimony before the county executive.” Others will probably ask Fran follow-up questions which add more good feelings to this positive experience.

Your Weekly Homework
Discuss with your partner the times when either of you felt hurt about comments made in group settings. Also, discuss the times you felt proud being with your partner in a group setting.

Sheila realized she was going to marry Timothy after they had that conversation under the huge oak tree in a park near the center of the village.
They had been dating for several months when they drove to explore the “antique shoppes.” As they sat on a bench licking their ice cream cones, Timothy’s face glowed from the afternoon sun which peaked through the leaves.

Timothy: You don’t mention your folks much. What was it like growing up?
(The men Sheila dated had never talked like that and her body tingled from the kindness in his voice.)
Sheila: Oh… Growing up was ….. OK.
Timothy: Nothing special?
Sheila: Well, they meant well, but Dad was always busy with work and I never could do anything the way mom wanted it to be done. She was so critical.
Timothy: Really? She didn’t compliment you?
Sheila: Never. I can’t remember her saying she was proud of me for anything.
Timothy: It’s amazing that you turned out so perfect!
Sheila: Perfect?
Timothy: Well, I feel you are pretty perfect.
Sheila: I’m far from it, but whatever I have I guess I got from Grandma Lena. If I had a problem with school or friends, she was always there to listen.

Over the months Sheila and Timothy exchanged stories of how each had rough childhood experiences with parents who were not very understanding. Both overcame their problems by finding a grandparent or a friend who guided them.
For several years after they were married, Timothy talked with Sheila about anything and everything. But over time these conversations diminished until they vanished entirely.

The Road to Power Snuggling
Of course this story is not about a particular couple but it is typical of what happens when couples first meet and what follows. As we fall in love, we are more empathic and interested in every nuance of our partner. When the emotional rush of love diminishes, we listen less. Daily work, raising children, and other tasks become top priorities. Each partner begins to feel deserted and lonely. There is less frequent physical intimacy, followed by an increase in conflict and more loneliness.

Love is meant to help heal childhood wounds from which we all suffer to some extent. At first, partners listen to each other believing the other can solve their problems. Later we realize that we must solve our own problems and create our own happiness. We can create our own happiness, but our job is much easier when we have a partner who is empathic. When frequent conflict surrounds us, attaining the happiness we deserve becomes much more difficult.

Your Weekly Homework
Reach out this week and recapture the joy you felt when you first met. Your partner had so much to offer and still does. Restrain yourself when conflicts begin to creep up by re-imaging your partner as the little boy or girl whose voice was not heard by caretakers. What we all need most is to be listened to and understood, regardless of the listener’s point of view.

The Evolution of Arguments
As discussed in prior article, people use these four styles to communicate during an argument: blaming, placating, super analyzing and distracting.

Below is the beginning of the same argument that we described in prior article. This time, Nicole alters the scene by holding Josh’s anger and empathizing with him. Note that she doesn’t apologize, doesn’t say she is wrong, but she does connect with his feelings. When she speaks to him this way he doesn’t have to be defensive. Instead, he focuses on the problem, rather than on Nicole. He may realize Nicole isn’t agreeing with his point of view, but she is agreeing with his feelings.
Josh: blame: Nicole! I asked you to do such a simple thing this morning — drop off the computer printer to get it fixed and pick it up on your way home!
Nicole: Yes, you did. But something came up and I couldn’t bring the printer in.
Josh: blame: You always find some reason you can’t help me! placate: Now I have no way to print and mail out the minutes. I’m going to catch hell from the board members.
Nicole: Yeah, the board members will be upset if they don’t get the current minutes.
Josh: They sure will! If you had just gotten the printer fixed, I wouldn’t have had this problem.
Nicole: I can see why having the printer was so important to you today.
Josh: (Silence a while, as he thinks.) I guess I can go next door and see if Larry will let me use his printer.
Nicole: He’s usually willing to help. You’ve helped him a lot of times.

Other examples of connecting and defusing an argument:
Argument develops
Helen: (blame) I come in after work and I see you haven’t washed the dishes and the house is a mess!
Roger: (placate) Well, I only have so much time. I had to make some calls and Susan called and..

Turning argument into understanding through empathy
Helen: (blame) I come in from work and I see you haven’t washed the dishes and the house is a mess!
Roger: You’re right. The dishes need to be washed and I need to get dinner started. I know you hate coming home to a mess.
(In this case Roger moves to sink and begins washing. He had his reasons — which he can express later — but it is now more important to connect to preserve their relationship.)

Argument develops:
Susan: Jack is such a jerk, ordering the waitress around like that!
Peter: Well, he’s a hell-of-a nice guy most times. He’s my friend! Just because he screwed up once isn’t a good reason to call him a jerk!

Argument turns into understanding
Susan: Jack is such a jerk, ordering the waitress around like that!
Peter: Yeah, that was rude. He shouldn’t have done that. (No buts added.)

The Road to Power Snuggling
Remember that Nicole, Roger, and Peter are not necessarily agreeing with their partner nor are they making apologies. They are just listening to and mirroring their partner’s feelings. The person who is most upset needs to be heard first.

Timing can make or break a relationship. Next week we will discuss the third part of reaching an understanding: how the responder can have their feelings heard when the time is right. The “ping-pong” relationship where each throws out their side to the other in quick responses, with neither truly hearing the other, leads to long arguments. Our suggestions allow time to absorb and evaluate the ideas of the other. This also enables parties to alter their ideas if necessary and understand better what the disagreement is about.

In this Snuggle, Nicole’s empathic response allows Josh to focus on the solution rather than on Nicole.

Your Weekly Homework
Practice restraining your desire to tell your side of an argument and instead empathize with your partner’s feelings. We often do this with young children.

Charlie: I had a horrendous day! Everything went wrong. The traffic was at a standstill and then my tools were mistakenly taken by another installer.
Doris: I know how you feel. I kept hitting red lights and the phones were ringing when I got to the office. Then I had a meeting with the committee. It was simply awful!  (Doris believes she is connecting by saying “I know how you feel,” but she quickly brings Charlie’s troubles back to herself.)

To empathize is to focus your thoughts on your partner’s emotions while keeping your own emotions in the background. Often people can hold their partner’s or friend’s feelings for only a few seconds before sharing their own story.

This is how Doris could empathize:
Charlie: I had a horrendous day! Everything went wrong. The traffic was at a standstill and then my tools were mistakenly taken by another installer.
Doris: That must have been awful! You struggled to get to work and then had to face the day looking for new tools.
Charlie: (Hearing that Doris understands, he continues): So then some of the tools I could find were old. When I tried to stretch the carpet the power stretcher on the first job fell apart and I had to drive back to the store for a replacement.
Doris: Oh, no, you probably lost an hour of work!
Charlie: Uh, huh and then I finally finished that job but during the next job the heat bond iron burned out.

Doris: What did you do?

Charlie: Well I found an old iron in the truck that worked okay. I just hope the seams don’t come apart.
Doris: Honey, you need a hug! (She gives him a hug.)

Charlie and Doris will remain emotionally close if they are available to support the other during stressful times — which these days might be daily for many people.

The Road to Power Snuggling
We all have known friends who empathize, as well as friends who quickly bring every conversation back to themselves. Close partners as well as close friends know when to be empathic and when others are available to listen and empathize with them. There are those who can readily provide emotional support to their children, their friends, and even their pets – yet they are unavailable for their love partners.

Snuggling requires that partners become aware of what is occurring during a conversation and, if necessary, tell each other: “I was talking about my feelings and I noticed it’s suddenly become about you. I need you to listen to me for a little while. Later, I’ll be available to listen to your feelings.”

Your Weekly Homework
With your spouse, discuss this concept of listening and staying empathic with each other until each of you has finished expressing your thoughts and feelings. Keep tabs on your behavior as well as your spouse’s. Note when your feelings are not heard. Also, note when you are not fully listening and showing empathy. Are you bringing the conversation back to yourself? Adjust to reach out to each other.

“That politician is a crackpot! You can’t really be thinking that you’ll vote for her!”
“Of course the beach is a better place to vacation than touring a hot city. Everyone knows that!”

There’s nothing wrong with stating our feelings if we open the door so our partner can express theirs: “For a vacation, I like the beach. How do you feel?”
Our beliefs are so powerful that we think people who disagree must either have poor judgment, don’t have all the facts, or may even be lying to us about what they really feel.
We think we see the world “the right way” and try to convince anyone who will listen that we are right and they are wrong. The drawback is that our partner often sees things very differently and believe they see the world “the right way.” Powerful arguments develop.
In a way we are like the young child who can’t enter Sally’s mind. However, unlike the three year old, our brain has developed and we can learn what our partner is thinking and feeling — all we have to do is ask and then listen.
The Road to Power Snuggling
It takes emotional strength to discover where our partner sees the marble. We find out by asking and listening. And after that by asking and listening once again. We need to temporarily let go of our ideas and embrace their thoughts, just as an actor embraces the thoughts of a character. This doesn’t mean agreeing, just understanding.
The next step is to ask our partner to listen to us, so they can embrace our thoughts. This process should continue with a respectful give and take without interrupting each other.

The result? Sometimes we change our ideas; sometimes they change their ideas; sometimes we accept portions of each and find ways to compromise. Arguments do end, preferably without resentment, but with love and compassion. Understanding where each believes the marble rests, will greatly enhance the relationship.

Your Weekly Homework
With your partner, discuss an issue that’s been bothering you. This time allow each to fully present their side without interruption for at least five minutes. Then email us and share your experience.

Jason is incredulous: “Tracy, you’re crazy! Los Angeles is definitely not east of Reno, Nevada! It’s west, like near the Pacific!”

“Jason, I saw it on the map. L.A. is east of Reno, like towards New York.” Tracy flips her hair, almost hitting Jason in the face as he drives. “You never trust me. And I wish you wouldn’t call me crazy.”

Tracy resumes reading her book, knowing it’s going to be a long, tense drive home.
If Jason and Tracy overhear a similar conversation between strangers, they might have opinions about who is right, but they are not likely to feel strong emotions. So what’s causing the outbursts here?

Sensitivities and differences often color our opinions which can lead to disputes. Jason knows that California is west of Nevada and its coastline adjoins the Pacific Ocean. Therefore, L.A. must be west of Reno. Tracy recently saw a map showing L.A. east of Reno.

When couples feel they are both right, discussion can quickly shift into competition, jumping out of control and causing hurt feelings.

The Road to Power Snuggling
What’s the solution?
Change the focus from competing and winning, to cooperating and resolving an issue. Work and classroom settings often require cooperative problem solving. It can be very satisfying when a couple brainstorms together to resolve an issue, each truly hearing the other’s ideas.

For example:
Jason is incredulous: Really? You say L.A. is east of Reno? How can that be if California is west of Nevada?
Tracy: Yes, California is west of Nevada, but the map shows L.A. east of Reno.
Jason: I guess it’s possible. Let’s recheck the map when we stop for lunch.
They stop and find that L.A. is indeed east of Reno. They both learn that the southern part of California bends east even though the northern part of California is west of Nevada.

Many arguments are not as clear-cut and involve different ingrained values. However, becoming cooperative partners when you focus on an issue, resolves differences without belittling each other. This leads to a win-win result and a stronger relationship. Whereas, if one “wins” and the other “loses,” the loser is resentful and competition continues into other areas, dragging down the relationship.

Your Weekly Homework
Think of a way a recent dispute could have been worked through using the cooperative, rather than the competitive approach. Try the cooperative approach this week with a small issue. Eventually, you can use it comfortably with bigger issues.

“It was a miserable day!” she says. “First, Ben said his throat was sore and he didn’t want to go to school, but after a half hour of moaning he said he was feeling better so I finally drove him in and then I was late for work. And I also missed the plumber, so we still have a leak in the basement with the pail filling up and ….”

Before she finishes, Ralph rolls his eyes, gives Sarah a weak kiss on the cheek and says he needs time to unwind. As he walks into the bedroom, she glares at him and tells him that he’s never interested in listening to her. Her shoulders fold as she goes into the kitchen.

The next day Sarah tries asking Ralph about his day, rather than talking about hers:
“So how was the big meeting? Did it work out?”
Ralph: “It was okay.”
“Just okay?”
“Yep.”
“Did you have lunch with Larry again? How are his kids?”
“Larry? No, not today.”
Ralph again walks into the bedroom.
Sarah takes an exaggerated big breath and shakes her head.

At other times Ralph and Sarah have stimulating conversations. They are good parents and have many friends. So what’s happening here?

Marshmallows to the rescue
In 1968, Dr. Walter Mischel conducted a landmark experiment at Stanford University. He placed a single marshmallow on a table in front of a 4 year old and told the child, “If you don’t eat the marshmallow, you will receive a second marshmallow when I return to this room.” He left for 20 minutes.

Dr. Mischel followed the children in the experiment and, years later, found that those who waited for the second marshmallow, averaged an astounding 210 points higher on the Scholastic Aptitude Test (SAT), compared to the children who had eaten the single marshmallow! The simple marshmallow test was twice as good as IQ tests in predicting SAT scores! Following the participants over many years, Dr. Mischel also found that those who waited for the second marshmallow had better high school and college grades, greater social competence and less drug use.

The marshmallow experiment shows that patience, timing and self-control, has an enormous impact on what we can accomplish. Following this pattern, couples who develop the patience exhibited by these children will be much more likely to enjoy a mutual, long lasting love relationship.

The Road to Power Snuggling
Sarah learned to key into Ralph’s emotions. She decided not to talk about her day, nor bombard him with questions about his day. In effect, she decided not to eat the first marshmallow.
A few days later, when Ralph arrives home, Sarah greets him at the door, gives him a hug and searches his eyes. He smiles and says he is tired.
She asks, “Do you need anything?”
“No, I think I’ll lie down for a few minutes.”
She smiles and pats him on the shoulder.
Later he comes into the living room and puts on a CD.
At dinner he asks Sarah about her day and he listens and nods.
Later he speaks about his day.
(Note: The earlier illustrations show that Ralph needs more space and Sarah needs to talk and express her frustrations. Of course, with other couples the situation could be reversed.)

Your Weekly Homework
Think of the times when your quick reactions have backfired and what might have happened if you had waited before expressing yourself. With your partner, spend time discussing how using patience helps achieve the harmony you both desire. By doing so, you will each accumulate plenty of marshmallows.