Jason is incredulous: “Tracy, you’re crazy! Los Angeles is definitely not east of Reno, Nevada! It’s west, like near the Pacific!”

“Jason, I saw it on the map. L.A. is east of Reno, like towards New York.” Tracy flips her hair, almost hitting Jason in the face as he drives. “You never trust me. And I wish you wouldn’t call me crazy.”

Tracy resumes reading her book, knowing it’s going to be a long, tense drive home.
If Jason and Tracy overhear a similar conversation between strangers, they might have opinions about who is right, but they are not likely to feel strong emotions. So what’s causing the outbursts here?

Sensitivities and differences often color our opinions which can lead to disputes. Jason knows that California is west of Nevada and its coastline adjoins the Pacific Ocean. Therefore, L.A. must be west of Reno. Tracy recently saw a map showing L.A. east of Reno.

When couples feel they are both right, discussion can quickly shift into competition, jumping out of control and causing hurt feelings.

The Road to Power Snuggling
What’s the solution?
Change the focus from competing and winning, to cooperating and resolving an issue. Work and classroom settings often require cooperative problem solving. It can be very satisfying when a couple brainstorms together to resolve an issue, each truly hearing the other’s ideas.

For example:
Jason is incredulous: Really? You say L.A. is east of Reno? How can that be if California is west of Nevada?
Tracy: Yes, California is west of Nevada, but the map shows L.A. east of Reno.
Jason: I guess it’s possible. Let’s recheck the map when we stop for lunch.
They stop and find that L.A. is indeed east of Reno. They both learn that the southern part of California bends east even though the northern part of California is west of Nevada.

Many arguments are not as clear-cut and involve different ingrained values. However, becoming cooperative partners when you focus on an issue, resolves differences without belittling each other. This leads to a win-win result and a stronger relationship. Whereas, if one “wins” and the other “loses,” the loser is resentful and competition continues into other areas, dragging down the relationship.

Your Weekly Homework
Think of a way a recent dispute could have been worked through using the cooperative, rather than the competitive approach. Try the cooperative approach this week with a small issue. Eventually, you can use it comfortably with bigger issues.

“It was a miserable day!” she says. “First, Ben said his throat was sore and he didn’t want to go to school, but after a half hour of moaning he said he was feeling better so I finally drove him in and then I was late for work. And I also missed the plumber, so we still have a leak in the basement with the pail filling up and ….”

Before she finishes, Ralph rolls his eyes, gives Sarah a weak kiss on the cheek and says he needs time to unwind. As he walks into the bedroom, she glares at him and tells him that he’s never interested in listening to her. Her shoulders fold as she goes into the kitchen.

The next day Sarah tries asking Ralph about his day, rather than talking about hers:
“So how was the big meeting? Did it work out?”
Ralph: “It was okay.”
“Just okay?”
“Yep.”
“Did you have lunch with Larry again? How are his kids?”
“Larry? No, not today.”
Ralph again walks into the bedroom.
Sarah takes an exaggerated big breath and shakes her head.

At other times Ralph and Sarah have stimulating conversations. They are good parents and have many friends. So what’s happening here?

Marshmallows to the rescue
In 1968, Dr. Walter Mischel conducted a landmark experiment at Stanford University. He placed a single marshmallow on a table in front of a 4 year old and told the child, “If you don’t eat the marshmallow, you will receive a second marshmallow when I return to this room.” He left for 20 minutes.

Dr. Mischel followed the children in the experiment and, years later, found that those who waited for the second marshmallow, averaged an astounding 210 points higher on the Scholastic Aptitude Test (SAT), compared to the children who had eaten the single marshmallow! The simple marshmallow test was twice as good as IQ tests in predicting SAT scores! Following the participants over many years, Dr. Mischel also found that those who waited for the second marshmallow had better high school and college grades, greater social competence and less drug use.

The marshmallow experiment shows that patience, timing and self-control, has an enormous impact on what we can accomplish. Following this pattern, couples who develop the patience exhibited by these children will be much more likely to enjoy a mutual, long lasting love relationship.

The Road to Power Snuggling
Sarah learned to key into Ralph’s emotions. She decided not to talk about her day, nor bombard him with questions about his day. In effect, she decided not to eat the first marshmallow.
A few days later, when Ralph arrives home, Sarah greets him at the door, gives him a hug and searches his eyes. He smiles and says he is tired.
She asks, “Do you need anything?”
“No, I think I’ll lie down for a few minutes.”
She smiles and pats him on the shoulder.
Later he comes into the living room and puts on a CD.
At dinner he asks Sarah about her day and he listens and nods.
Later he speaks about his day.
(Note: The earlier illustrations show that Ralph needs more space and Sarah needs to talk and express her frustrations. Of course, with other couples the situation could be reversed.)

Your Weekly Homework
Think of the times when your quick reactions have backfired and what might have happened if you had waited before expressing yourself. With your partner, spend time discussing how using patience helps achieve the harmony you both desire. By doing so, you will each accumulate plenty of marshmallows.

The Magnifying Glass

Denise: You like my new blouse?
Dan: It’s very pretty. I love the
color…..but, uh, you might have saved a bit if you had bought one without the Polo name.
Denise: You don’t like it?
Dan: No, no, I do. I just want to point out that next time you can save us a few dollars.
Denise: I got it on sale. We don’t always have to buy cheap!
Dan (a bit louder): Denise, everyone knows that labels cost extra for the same quality. You don’t have to do what your parents do.
Denise (even louder): It’s not because of my parents! I happen to like it and I don’t need to be Ms. Poverty all the time!

Unfortunately, their dining experience rolled downhill quickly.

What happened?
To some, saving a few dollars on clothes vs. buying brand-name might seem like a trivial issue, but Dan and Denise blew it up as they tried to defend their values. Denise prides herself in her choice of clothes. She often receives compliments, yet, she’s very sensitive to Dan’s comments since she knows they are on a tight budget. On the other hand, Dan is proud of his “classy” wife yet prides himself for keeping a balanced budget. During their conversation Denise magnifies the importance of her ability to dress fashionably, while Dan magnifies his ability to save money.

Their magnifying glass created these thoughts:
Dan: Our budget is tight enough. What if she continues spending wildly? We may not be able to buy a new car! If only she would admit her mistake and then stop wasting money on designer clothes!
Denise: I know how to buy quality clothes. If it were up to Dan I’d be wearing rags! Next he’ll complain about my choice of groceries!
With the magnifying glass, the issue is no longer about the Polo label. It has expanded to differing values.

The Road to Power Snuggling
All couples experience some major conflicts that begin small. Later they can’t even remember how the arguments began. Issues grow out of control when we use the magnifying glass to protect our values.

Without the magnifying glass, Dan would think:
Denise is happy with her blouse. It is pretty. We can afford a few extra dollars occasionally and she hasn’t done it that often. Let’s continue this lovely evening.

Without the magnifying glass, Denise would think:
Some of Dan’s values are different from mine and I do know we’re trying to save money. I understand his concern, so I’m not going to argue about this.

Of course, the magnifying glass can appear on virtually any topic such as dealing with in-laws, child raising, neatness, being on time, appearance, or eating patterns. Resolution of conflicts works best when one truly looks at the particular situation instead of “magnifying” it which forces one’s values on the other.

Your Weekly Homework
Together, think about a small disagreement that was magnified leading to a bigger argument. Discuss how removing the magnifying glass and putting issues in a different perspective could have maintained harmony. Understand that some of your values are different and may remain different, but that you respect each other, even though you may not always agree with the other’s point of view.

Winning at bridge requires an opening bid and a supporting response. If your partner opens with three hearts, you know they have a hand full of hearts and they are asking you to join them with your hearts. You hope you can respond “four hearts,” but must respond according to the cards you have been dealt.

With love you have more opportunities. Regardless of your partner’s opening bid, over 90% of the time you will have what it takes to support your relationship.

What is a bid from your love partner? A bid is anything that they say or any action they take:
“Good morning!” is a bid; “Did I have a rough day today!” is a bid; a smile is a bid; a frown is a bid; “Do you want to go out to dinner?” is a bid; a touch on the shoulder is a bid; “Did you hear what happened downtown?” is a bid.

These are bids because they allow you to respond. You or your partner can respond positively, neutrally, or negatively to any bid. A simple bid such as “Good morning!” can elicit these responses:
Positive: “Yes, it’s a great morning! Did you see that our tulips are beginning to flower? This light rain should help our garden.”
Neutral: “Uh-huh,” as the responder continues to read the newspaper.
Negative: “Just like you on a dreary day, trying to make everything look good.”
Negative: Ignore – no response.

The Road to Power Snuggling
As in bridge, snuggling requires determining the best way to connect with your partner’s bids.Positive responses will bring love closer and negative or neutral responses will push you further apart. This doesn’t mean that if your partner dumps on you that you have to counter with a positive response; however, hopefully you can avoid upping the negative ante. We find most bids offered each day allow for positive responses, even with couples who are having conflicts.

Your weekly homework
With your partner, agree to spend the week consciously adding more positive responses to each bid you receive.
(We understand that both partners may not be reading these Snuggles and your partner may not be joining you in these exercises. However, your relationship will improve even if you take action alone. Again, persistence is key for positive results.)

Ron: The brakes are wearing down on the Honda and the oil needs to be changed.
Joan: Yeah, I heard a squeak while I was driving with Martha to the PTA meeting. They had quite a crowd. I wish you didn’t have to stay with the kids last night.
Ron: Maybe I can get Bob to drive to the game and I’ll leave the car off on the way.
Joan: The teacher problem is getting worse and we have to do
something about it.
Ron: I better call now to see if they can take the car tomorrow.
Joan: The class size is terrible. We have to write to the school board!
As long as Joan only speaks Joanish and Ron only speaks Ronish, they will continue living parallel lives. True emotional togetherness requires learning and using each other’s language.

The Road to Power Snuggling
To speak our partner’s language we need to travel to their “country” and understand a different culture. We should listen attentively to their words, view their body language and then speak their language. The goal is for both partners to become as fluent as possible in a second language:

Ron: The brakes are wearing down on the Honda and the oil needs to be changed.
Joan: (Sees Ron purse his lips with a worried look) Right, that can be dangerous. I heard a squeak when I drove Martha to the PTA meeting. Are you going to be able to take the car in?
Ron: I thought I’d drop it off before Bob and I go to the game. How was the meeting?
Joan: Oh, great attendance! We decided to write to the school board about the teacher problem.
Ron: Good idea (as he pats her shoulder). We’ve gotta get smaller class sizes. Bob and I can also think of some ideas to write while we drive to the game.
Joan: I read that our pitchers are terrific this season, especially Thompson who’s starting. It should be a great game!

How did they make this transition? First they became aware that the language barrier was forcing them to lead parallel lives depriving them of a close relationship. Then they began adding more Ronish and Joanish words to their vocabularies. As with any change in habit, over time they will become more comfortable speaking each other’s language.

Your Weekly Homework
Think of conversations you have had where two languages were spoken. Try visiting each other’s country more frequently during the week. Congratulate yourselves as you feel more comfortable with the second language.

Eric “Efficiency”

One evening when he walked into his house, his wife, Charlene, greeted him with a hug and a kiss, but he could see she was in a tizzy.
Eric: What’s the matter?
Charlene: You can not believe my day! The traffic downtown was terrible going to work AND Ellie skinned her knee at school so I had to pick her up in the middle of the day AND the cleaning person canceled AND the groceries melted in the back seat of the car AND the dog was sick to his stomach AND…..

Eric Efficiency summed up the situation and told Charlene exactly how she could have avoided some of the problems and what she could do differently next time. He even offered to show her exactly how she could vacuum the house quickly without a cleaning person.
The screaming that erupted created a movie scene that would have made Steven Speilberg proud. Eric stood frozen and puzzled. Why would Charlene reject his efficiency skills? They love his skills at the office. He lost his cool, screamed back, slammed the door and drove to the office to finish some work. When he was able to catch his breath and relax in the sanctuary of his office he wondered why Charlene was so angry.

The Road to Power Snuggling
Fortunately over time, Eric learned that his business skills were often not useful in maintaining a loving relationship. He learned very different skills — “love skills”  and compared the two line by line.

Business Skills vs. Love Skills

1. Bus: First focus on facts & solutions
Love: First focus on empathy & emotions

2. Bus: Keep your emotions under control in the workplace
Love: Be emotionally open without dumping on your partner

3. Bus: Organization & planning are critical
Love: Caring & consideration are critical

4. Bus: Trust, but be cautious of customers & co-workers
Love: Acceptance & complete trust are essential

5. Bus: Respect competence, but quickly correct incompetence
Love: Respect your partner for their character even when they make many mistakes

6. Bus: Be committed to your company yet keep an eye out for better opportunities
Love: Be committed for long-term love realizing you will have ups & downs

7. Bus: Intimacy in the office is unacceptable
Love: Intimacy with your partner is highly important

Months later Eric arrived home to find Charlene in a tizzy. He listened carefully to her problems and gave her a hug and said, “That must have been a terrible day. Anyone would have been upset having a day like that.” He listened and listened and then let her rest. He offered no advice and decided not to offer advice later unless she specifically requested it. Later, with Eric’s support, Charlene calmed down and came to terms with the dilemmas of the day.

Your Weekly Homework
Together, discuss what behavior would help each of you if you have a “bad day.” Offer to follow through on these changes.

What suggestions do you have for skills we can add to this list? Please post them.

How “first love” memories impact you now

Remember when you first had a crush on a boy or girl and could think of nothing else? Recall the feeling of waking up and seeing their face, hearing their voice and continuing the romance in your mind’s eye, enjoying the pleasure of pretending to hear them tell you they loved you? Even now you may think “if only I had married” this perfect person.

James Joyce’s story, “The Dead” (later a movie) tells of a woman whose first love died as a teenager. The woman’s current husband realizes that she is still thinking of her lost beau and imagining how life would be perfect if she had only married him. No matter how much her husband tries, he finds it impossible to compete with the lost love in his wife’s mind.

At times we might compare our partner to lost loves or to others we meet, or even to movie stars. This is comforting, but distorts reality. The romance of short-term glimpses seem perfect compared to daily living. Our real life is a combination of beauty and romance mixed with preparing meals, fighting traffic and paying bills. If we seek perfection, we will always be disappointed.

The Road to Power Snuggling
Recall when you fell in love with your current partner and work to recapture this romance. Think of the meaningful times you have shared. Focus on your partner’s admirable traits and reinforce these with praise. Find ways you can grow for your own fulfillment as well as supporting your partner. This will be a joint effort and an evolving process, allowing the two of you to become more “perfect” for each other. Chances are, you will again feel those “first love” warm romantic feelings … but this time with more meaning and depth … and this time with your spouse.

Your Weekly Homework
Write your memories when you first fell in love. Then, think of your feelings when you met your current partner. Discuss these thoughts together and think of ways to recapture the joy you had when you met.

This guide should be used with one person, the sender, using the following stems to emphasize a concern he or she has. The other person, the receiver, should repeat back what the sender has said to show that the sender was heard.

1. I see that…..
2. I guess that you think….
3. But I feel that…
4. I am upset (or concerned) that…
5. Based on past experience…
6. Specifically, I would like
7. This would make me feel…
8. I appreciate…
9. I hope…
10. Thank you for listening to me.

When I was one, I had just begun;
When I was two, I was nearly new;
When I was three I was hardly me;
When I was four, I was not much more;
When I was five, I was just alive;
But now I am six; I’m as clever as clever;
So I think I’ll be six for ever and ever!
– A.A. Milne

When we were very young our parents cared for all our needs. They fed us, diapered us, hugged us, comforted us when we cried, smiled with us, and told us how wonderful we were. And we became wonderful! We acted like a poker player with a high stack of poker chips. We took risks. And if we were wrong, we’d go back and take more risks, because losing a few poker chips still left us with plenty more and gallons of confidence.

The Road to Power Snuggling
Over the years, both our stack of poker chips and our partner’s rises and falls with life’s successes and failures. However, we have the opportunity of increasing our partner’s stack of poker chips with appreciations or stealing chips with criticism. Our goal should be to rebuild each other’s stack with more of the former, so we both win.
Appreciations come in three varieties:
Behavior – “You planned the most spectacular vacation!”
Appearance – “I love the way your hair looks and you have a smile to match.”
Character – “You really have a talent for figuring out tough problems.”

If you both practice appreciation skills frequently, you will feel clever as clever and want to be close to each other forever and ever! The joy of your relationship will rise along with your two stacks of chips.

But, you say, “What if we have a problem?” An upcoming Power Snuggle will address how to talk to your partner about a problem and get positive results without stealing his or her poker chips. Problems need to be discussed so you hear each other without feeling diminished. Brainstorming and solving issues together always works better than criticizing. This week concentrate on appreciations.

Your Weekly Homework
Think of what you can do today to increase your partner’s stack of Poker Chips. And do it. Think of ways you might be stealing chips. And stop doing it.