Kathy realized he needed more than listening. When he had finally finished, Kathy hugged him, not noticing the smell of the paint. Calvin’s body and face relaxed. He looked down and said, “I love your hair. It sure is shiny today.”

The Road to Power Snuggling
Touching almost always works. A warm touch releases oxytocin, a hormone that creates a sensation of trust. For months after we are born, most of the love we receive is through touch. Whether we are one day old or 100 years and a day, touch improves our mood and makes us feel loved.

Think back to the time you were held tenderly by your caregiver. Now think of your first experience of being held romantically. Then think of the first time you and your partner held each other. Each memory provides a feeling of warmth and safety.

Today you have the opportunity to continue using touch to bring you and your partner closer. It doesn’t need to be a hug or a kiss. Merely a touch on the shoulder permeates one’s nervous system. It’s simple and it works! Studies have shown that touch can reduce blood pressure and the heart rate, diminish depression, ease pain, and reduce anxiety. One study showed that a sympathetic touch from a doctor left people with the impression that their doctor’s visit lasted twice as long as it did! At DePauw University, Matthew Hertenstein had volunteers touch a blindfolded stranger. By only touching they were able to communicate eight different emotions including gratitude, disgust and love, with 70% accuracy. If this works with blindfolded strangers, imagine how easy it would be to communicate love to your partner through touch without blindfolds.

Your Weekly Homework Think of the benefits of empathic touch. At various times this week take the opportunity to touch or hug your partner bringing you closer together.

“It was a miserable day!” she says. “First, Ben said his throat was sore and he didn’t want to go to school, but after a half hour of moaning he said he was feeling better so I finally drove him in and then I was late for work. And I also missed the plumber, so we still have a leak in the basement with the pail filling up and ….”

Before she finishes, Ralph rolls his eyes, gives Sarah a weak kiss on the cheek and says he needs time to unwind. As he walks into the bedroom, she glares at him and tells him that he’s never interested in listening to her. Her shoulders fold as she goes into the kitchen.

The next day Sarah tries asking Ralph about his day, rather than talking about hers:
“So how was the big meeting? Did it work out?”
Ralph: “It was okay.”
“Just okay?”
“Yep.”
“Did you have lunch with Larry again? How are his kids?”
“Larry? No, not today.”
Ralph again walks into the bedroom.
Sarah takes an exaggerated big breath and shakes her head.

At other times Ralph and Sarah have stimulating conversations. They are good parents and have many friends. So what’s happening here?

Marshmallows to the rescue
In 1968, Dr. Walter Mischel conducted a landmark experiment at Stanford University. He placed a single marshmallow on a table in front of a 4 year old and told the child, “If you don’t eat the marshmallow, you will receive a second marshmallow when I return to this room.” He left for 20 minutes.

Dr. Mischel followed the children in the experiment and, years later, found that those who waited for the second marshmallow, averaged an astounding 210 points higher on the Scholastic Aptitude Test (SAT), compared to the children who had eaten the single marshmallow! The simple marshmallow test was twice as good as IQ tests in predicting SAT scores! Following the participants over many years, Dr. Mischel also found that those who waited for the second marshmallow had better high school and college grades, greater social competence and less drug use.

The marshmallow experiment shows that patience, timing and self-control, has an enormous impact on what we can accomplish. Following this pattern, couples who develop the patience exhibited by these children will be much more likely to enjoy a mutual, long lasting love relationship.

The Road to Power Snuggling
Sarah learned to key into Ralph’s emotions. She decided not to talk about her day, nor bombard him with questions about his day. In effect, she decided not to eat the first marshmallow.
A few days later, when Ralph arrives home, Sarah greets him at the door, gives him a hug and searches his eyes. He smiles and says he is tired.
She asks, “Do you need anything?”
“No, I think I’ll lie down for a few minutes.”
She smiles and pats him on the shoulder.
Later he comes into the living room and puts on a CD.
At dinner he asks Sarah about her day and he listens and nods.
Later he speaks about his day.
(Note: The earlier illustrations show that Ralph needs more space and Sarah needs to talk and express her frustrations. Of course, with other couples the situation could be reversed.)

Your Weekly Homework
Think of the times when your quick reactions have backfired and what might have happened if you had waited before expressing yourself. With your partner, spend time discussing how using patience helps achieve the harmony you both desire. By doing so, you will each accumulate plenty of marshmallows.

In the movie Sliding Doors, Helen Quilley runs down the stairs of a London Underground station. She arrives on the platform just in time to catch the train. A second scene shows a slight variation from the first. Helen is again running down the stairs but this time a young girl with a doll delays Helen’s progress by ten seconds. The train doors close just before Helen can step in. The movie continues alternating on two different tracts: one follows Helen’s life after she catches the first train; the other follows her very different life after she misses the first train and boards the second train.

Remember how you and your partner met? What slight variation in your life might have occurred to prevent you from meeting? The action you took after you met really determined the many events in your life. Somehow you followed through and decided to continue the relationship. Now, with your partner, you are often presented with your own version of sliding doors. Whether or not you select a particular opening to foster the relationship can play a major role in the emotional and physical health of both of you. Think of the doors that would open wider if you choose to say something or do something that will bring you closer to that romantic beginning. (For those who aren’t currently in a relationship, you have the power to enter that door as it slides open and take positive action, resulting in a closer friendship, a better business arrangement, or a new hobby.)

The Road to Power Snuggling
Power Snuggling requires taking specific action regardless of whether you decide to take the first or second train. The beauty of living with new chances is that you can always make decisions that will improve your relationship. And if one door doesn’t lead where you want to go, choose another door.

Your Weekly Homework Think of three specific actions you can take this week that might help you and your spouse recapture the joy you both felt when you first met. Try them out!

The Magnifying Glass

Denise: You like my new blouse?
Dan: It’s very pretty. I love the
color…..but, uh, you might have saved a bit if you had bought one without the Polo name.
Denise: You don’t like it?
Dan: No, no, I do. I just want to point out that next time you can save us a few dollars.
Denise: I got it on sale. We don’t always have to buy cheap!
Dan (a bit louder): Denise, everyone knows that labels cost extra for the same quality. You don’t have to do what your parents do.
Denise (even louder): It’s not because of my parents! I happen to like it and I don’t need to be Ms. Poverty all the time!

Unfortunately, their dining experience rolled downhill quickly.

What happened?
To some, saving a few dollars on clothes vs. buying brand-name might seem like a trivial issue, but Dan and Denise blew it up as they tried to defend their values. Denise prides herself in her choice of clothes. She often receives compliments, yet, she’s very sensitive to Dan’s comments since she knows they are on a tight budget. On the other hand, Dan is proud of his “classy” wife yet prides himself for keeping a balanced budget. During their conversation Denise magnifies the importance of her ability to dress fashionably, while Dan magnifies his ability to save money.

Their magnifying glass created these thoughts:
Dan: Our budget is tight enough. What if she continues spending wildly? We may not be able to buy a new car! If only she would admit her mistake and then stop wasting money on designer clothes!
Denise: I know how to buy quality clothes. If it were up to Dan I’d be wearing rags! Next he’ll complain about my choice of groceries!
With the magnifying glass, the issue is no longer about the Polo label. It has expanded to differing values.

The Road to Power Snuggling
All couples experience some major conflicts that begin small. Later they can’t even remember how the arguments began. Issues grow out of control when we use the magnifying glass to protect our values.

Without the magnifying glass, Dan would think:
Denise is happy with her blouse. It is pretty. We can afford a few extra dollars occasionally and she hasn’t done it that often. Let’s continue this lovely evening.

Without the magnifying glass, Denise would think:
Some of Dan’s values are different from mine and I do know we’re trying to save money. I understand his concern, so I’m not going to argue about this.

Of course, the magnifying glass can appear on virtually any topic such as dealing with in-laws, child raising, neatness, being on time, appearance, or eating patterns. Resolution of conflicts works best when one truly looks at the particular situation instead of “magnifying” it which forces one’s values on the other.

Your Weekly Homework
Together, think about a small disagreement that was magnified leading to a bigger argument. Discuss how removing the magnifying glass and putting issues in a different perspective could have maintained harmony. Understand that some of your values are different and may remain different, but that you respect each other, even though you may not always agree with the other’s point of view.

Try this as a guide:

The area labeled Joint Decisions is required for major decisions such as where to live and which house to buy, how many children to have and how to raise them, and decisions on large expenditures. You also need to decide jointly on dozens of other less important decisions like what friends to see together and where to dine.

Pat and Chris’ areas are reserved for their individual decisions and include where they want to work, what to eat, wear or read, their choices of hobbies and classes, what toothpaste to use, and their personal methods of performing certain tasks such as washing dishes or mowing the lawn.

Conflicts arise when one partner continually tries to make a decision for the other in the individual decision area.

For example you may hear:
Pat: “Chris, that shirt doesn’t work at all. It clashes with your blue socks.”
Chris: “Nobody’s going to look at my socks. Besides I love this shirt!”
Later at the party, Pat whispers, “Even though they’re strawberries, the chocolate dipping has lots of calories.”
Chris later complains, “I wish you wouldn’t tell me what to wear and what to eat. That’s my business.”
Pat: “I’m only trying to help you look nice and I care very much about your health.”

The Road to Power Snuggling
Conflict can be avoided by agreeing to enter the other’s individual circle only when advice is specifically requested. We now hear you saying, “But, I only want my partner to be happy and they need protection.”
And we say, “Stop! Chances are you’ve told your partner many times to stop eating fatty foods or to load the dishwasher differently or, or, ….. or. They know your concerns. Concentrate on those decisions in the joint area and stay out of their circles unless advice is requested.”

It’s okay for Pat to occasionally warn Chris of overeating or wearing the right clothes, but not repetitively, not every day or even every week.

Caution regarding joint decisions
When one partner regularly delegates joint decisions to the other, it shouldn’t be because the other has given up and is afraid of an argument. In most cases each partner should provide input and listen to the other’s feelings before a decision is made.

Your weekly homework
Think of the decisions you have made together that have turned out well and the process you used. Try to continue that process. Think of conflicts which occurred when one spouse regularly entered the other’s area. In the future, working to avoid each other’s circle of control will reduce resentment in your relationship.

Hey diddle diddle,
The cat and the fiddle,
The cow jumped over the moon,
The little dog laughed to see such sport,
And the dish ran away with the spoon.

After a hard day, when many things went wrong, we met in the kitchen to cook dinner together. Our conversation went something like this:
Jon: So you live on this campus, too. Where are you from?
Beverly: Mongolia.
J: You came in from Outer Mongolia?
B: No I came out from Inner Mongolia.
J: And what are you studying?
B: Organic farming.
J: So you’re into health foods?
B: No, we bring pipe organs from around the world to soothe the minds of farm animals. What are you studying?
J: Solar heating.
B: Saving the environment, huh?
J: Actually, we develop heat for your shoe soles.
B: Sounds great! I’d love to have some soler heat when I get cold feet.
J:. Come to the lab and I’ll warm you up. What’s your phone number?
B: It’s on the internet.
J: Great! What’s your name?
B: That’s also on the internet, right next to my phone number. Bye!

Then Beverly begins to dry lettuce in the salad spinner and Jon puts the fish on broil.

The Road to Power Snuggling
One of the best ways to keep refueling a serious, loving relationship is taking time for play and acting silly. Yes, act silly like a child. Role playing might work, but if you’re not into that, try some of these:
Take turns throwing a deck of cards, one by one, around the room and see where they land; when you’re with your kids or grandkids, choose an animal and mimic it’s action and sounds and tell what your animal is thinking; surprise your partner by cooking a strange combination of foods (some we tried were salmon soup and a sandwich with tuna, raisins and apple slices); splash each other with water on a hot day; dress up sexy for dinner; have a pillow fight; one blows bubbles and the other “catches” them – or reenact various ways you had fun when you first met.

Your weekly homework
Pick a few fun/silly things and do them this week. Then email us some of your favorite activities over the years to share with others. We won’t reveal names or emails.

“Again you said you’d be home at seven and it’s almost seven-thirty!” Irma shakes her head at Tim in disbelief.
“It’s no big deal. I had to leave the office late and then there was terrible traffic.”
Later it was Tim’s turn to complain:
“You said you’d schedule the plumber. You forgot and now we can’t call him until Monday!” Irma and Tim have had similar conversations for three years. They now stare blankly at each across the dinner table thinking of ways to get the other to change.

We may feel unloved if our spouse doesn’t accommodate our desires. Resentment builds as we complain more and get no results.

We all have different values for what is important. It might be dissatisfaction with the amount of touching, being on time, how to maintain the house, or ways to manage money. The fact that we chose each other means there was something very special which we admired. If we marry thinking of accepting all the wonderful parts and believing we can change the annoyances, we will be disappointed. Some behaviors are not tolerable, but acceptance and adjustment often works best.

The Road to Power Snuggling
Initially, when frustrated, an “I message” is useful: “Tim, when I can’t count on your word that you’ll be home by 7, I feel unimportant and frustrated. I realize sometimes you might not be able to leave work on time, but I rely on your commitment and it disrupts my schedule when I can’t depend on you.” Hopefully, Tim will hear her frustrations and do his best to be on time. But in situations where no change continues for months or years, Irma needs to understand that lateness is ingrained in Tim’s personality and adjusting to it might be best. Irma might assume Tim will be late and plan her activities accordingly. When Tim isn’t criticized he is more likely to go out of his way to please Irma.
Similarly, if Tim holds back on his criticism of Irma not getting the plumber, she will be more likely feel that responsibility and work harder to schedule an appointment. We all want to feel competent and dependable. Constant reminders and criticism actually encourage our partners to continue their frustrating behavior.

If each person adjusts to the other’s quirks, without resentment, there is a better chance of realizing some change. Instead of regular hugs, which may be difficult for someone who grew up in a non-hugging family, the couple might go dancing and feel physically closer. If one is more money-conscious, let that person take the lead and schedule a weekly time to discuss the issues. This, of course, doesn’t mean the other won’t have a say in finances. If we choose areas of responsibility that work best for each of us, without forcing the other into it, our relationship will thrive with less conflict.

Your weekly homework
Think of some repeated conflicts you have had. Identify ways you can accept and adjust to these situations and try them out this week.

When we exercise, major physiological changes occur in our body. We jog in the park and see beautiful trees; we hear chirping and smell spring enveloping us. Jogging releases endorphins in our head and our muscles carry us forward as if on automatic pilot. We have learned that regular exercise strengthens our bones, improves our heart efficiency and promotes growth of our muscles in the areas where we put the most effort.

Wouldn’t it be great if we were able to add neuron love cells to the 100 billion cells in our brain and strengthen our love in the same way? Wouldn’t it be great if we could add “muscles” to the loving area of our brain?

For decades, scientists believed our brains changed little after adulthood. However, recent brain scanning technology shows our brain changes dramatically with behavior changes! New behavior adds brain neurons in the same way physical exercise develops muscles. In each case blood is pumped into the areas most used. Loving behavior adds neurons to our brain’s amygdala area creating a feeling of well-being; whereas, the neurons associated with anger are produced in an entirely different part of the brain (abbreviated as dACC) adding stress.

How London cab drivers help us understand our brain’s role in relationships
When London cabdrivers’ brains were scanned, their brain’s spatial relations area grew proportionately to the number of miles they drove on London streets. When they retired from driving, their brain’s spatial relations area shrunk.

The Road to Power Snuggling
What do these experiments mean for you? If you increase loving behavior you are making a physical change in your brain by expanding your “feel-good” neurons and shrinking your stress neurons. At the same time, as your partner experiences your positive interaction, they will also enjoy a boost in “feel good” neurons.

Your weekly homework
Discuss these ideas with your spouse. Strive to add tens of thousands of “feel good” cells to your relationship. See other posts to help.

Winning at bridge requires an opening bid and a supporting response. If your partner opens with three hearts, you know they have a hand full of hearts and they are asking you to join them with your hearts. You hope you can respond “four hearts,” but must respond according to the cards you have been dealt.

With love you have more opportunities. Regardless of your partner’s opening bid, over 90% of the time you will have what it takes to support your relationship.

What is a bid from your love partner? A bid is anything that they say or any action they take:
“Good morning!” is a bid; “Did I have a rough day today!” is a bid; a smile is a bid; a frown is a bid; “Do you want to go out to dinner?” is a bid; a touch on the shoulder is a bid; “Did you hear what happened downtown?” is a bid.

These are bids because they allow you to respond. You or your partner can respond positively, neutrally, or negatively to any bid. A simple bid such as “Good morning!” can elicit these responses:
Positive: “Yes, it’s a great morning! Did you see that our tulips are beginning to flower? This light rain should help our garden.”
Neutral: “Uh-huh,” as the responder continues to read the newspaper.
Negative: “Just like you on a dreary day, trying to make everything look good.”
Negative: Ignore – no response.

The Road to Power Snuggling
As in bridge, snuggling requires determining the best way to connect with your partner’s bids.Positive responses will bring love closer and negative or neutral responses will push you further apart. This doesn’t mean that if your partner dumps on you that you have to counter with a positive response; however, hopefully you can avoid upping the negative ante. We find most bids offered each day allow for positive responses, even with couples who are having conflicts.

Your weekly homework
With your partner, agree to spend the week consciously adding more positive responses to each bid you receive.
(We understand that both partners may not be reading these Snuggles and your partner may not be joining you in these exercises. However, your relationship will improve even if you take action alone. Again, persistence is key for positive results.)

Across a crowded room….
“Some enchanted evening
You may see a stranger,
You may see a stranger
Across a crowded room
And somehow you know,
You know even then
That somewhere you’ll see her
Again and again.”
– Song from South Pacific
(Search site for complete lyrics)

We meet hundreds of people before we find someone who attracts us so much that we decide to marry them. When asked, “Why that person?” people might say, “Because they were good looking, intelligent, and had similar interests to mine.” They add, “And they were fun to be with.” In fact, so much fun to be with that they couldn’t imagine not being with them. The truth is they’ve met dozens of people with very similar characteristics they had described, but only found that one to marry. Why do we select that special person?

In his research of couples, Harville Hendrix, who founded Imago Therapy, discovered that one partner in long-term relationships is almost always a “Maximizer” and the other a “Minimizer.” One talks more, is more likely to answer the phone when it rings, makes social arrangements, and speaks first when greeting others. The other may have just as much power in the relationship but uses their power in more reserved ways.

The Minimizer (perhaps a man in this illustration) sees this stranger across a crowded room laughing and socializing with a crowd of others. He has an urge to be with her and enjoy the festivities, but that is not his nature. The Maximizer (perhaps a woman) sees this quiet, thoughtful man in the same room, listening and nodding and seeming to be powerfully together. She thinks, “I have to meet this man.” Unconsciously, each yearns for parts of the other’s personality. The quieter one thinks, “Wouldn’t it be great if I could be so social?” The other thinks, “Wouldn’t it be great if I could be so introspective, thoughtful and controlled?” Eventually, the pull is so great that they meet.

What happens? After months or years together, what was an attraction can now become a great annoyance. “Help! She’s always on the phone yapping away and laughing!” and “Help! He’s constantly on the computer and reading his manuals!” Each then believes it is his or her duty to change the other. A power struggle begins and unless couples find ways to alleviate the situation the power struggle might end the relationship or become a lifetime of conflict.

The Road to Power Snuggling
Harville Hendrix finds that couples need to work through this “power struggle stage” so they can move, over time, to the long-term love stage.

How? First couples need to develop a conscious relationship. They need to see the relationship as if they were a spectator looking from outside at this couple who happens to be themselves. By consciously reviewing their own behavior as well as their partner’s, both can make the necessary adjustments. They will expand themselves by acquiring some of the parts they appreciated in their partner when they first met. The maximizer will grow by finding that she can at times be more introspective, thoughtful, and a good listener; the minimizer will grow by finding he can be more socially interactive and lead more. They will still maintain their comfortable roles as maximizer and minimizer, but instead of being annoyed by each other’s behavior, each will again admire the attributes of the other that they found so enlightening when they first met. Not easy, but the results will provide the couple with greater harmony.

Your Weekly Homework
With your spouse, speak of what you felt when you first were attracted to each other. Make a conscious effort to stretch and develop some of these parts in yourself.

Comments are encouraged.