What is physical intimacy?
Romantic touching, hugging, kissing, holding hands and sexual activity are all included in the spectrum of physical intimacy.

The Benefits
When we welcome a hug or touch, or experience other forms of physical intimacy, our bodies release one or more of these three chemicals: oxytocin, dopamine and serotonin. These chemicals provide very pleasurable feelings and also have a major impact on our physical and mental well being. For example, oxytocin increases our desire to bond. Dopamine improves our mood when we hear music. And serotonin protects us against depression.

Extensive research studies (email us for sources) indicate that physical affection and sex will:
1. Reduce stress and blood pressure
2. Increase the level of antibodies, thus reducing our
susceptibility to infection
3. Improve our cardiovascular system and reduce our chances of
heart attack and stroke, especially in men
4. Increase confidence and self-esteem
5. Reduce pain (As oxytocin surges, endorphins increase and
pain subsides.)
6. Reduce prostate cancer risk
7. Help us sleep better through the release of oxytocins
8. Improve our long term relationship, thus building trust

Considering the benefits, what holds healthy couples back?
Physical intimacy almost always occurs when we first meet, but often wanes over time. Most people continue to desire some level of physical intimacy throughout their life, regardless of age. People also regularly need some personal space to be free of intrusion from their partner.

We have an innate need to feel accepted and desirable by our love partner and intimacy is possible when that need is met. We have found in our work with hundreds of couples, that hugging and touching, as well as sexual activity is a vital part of the marriage experience. Though men generally desire sexual activity more than women, it can certainly be as important for many women.

Problems arise when there are great differences between the desires of two people on the level or frequency of physical intimacy. This imbalance results in one or both feeling undesired, followed by feelings of rejection and resentment. Conflicts then occur – that are often not necessarily focused on this issue – as well as behavior that is harmful to the marriage.

What prevents us from continuing at a level of intimacy which satisfies both partners?

Intimacy may diminish because of:
1. Exhaustion with work and raising a family
2. Anxiety due to sexual taboos we have learned in childhood
3. Physical ailments
4. Not accepting our body or our partner’s body
5. Changes in hormone levels
6. A feeling that our partner no longer cares for us

As intimacy diminishes and partners feel undesired, the conflicts lead to even less touching, hugging and sexual activity – thus making renewed contact more difficult. Unfortunately at this point, many couples become reluctant to talk about the issue because they see no way of resolving it.

Women, more so than men, have complained that their feelings are not heard and validated by their partner which makes it difficult for them to feel loving and desire sex.

The Road to Power Snuggling
Each couple needs to consider the benefits and drawbacks of physical intimacy and decide to what degree and what frequency brings them the happiness they deserve. Because some type of physical intimacy is crucial for a happy relationship, couples need to continually evaluate how it is working or not working and make adjustments in the same way they adjust other areas of their life.

It is wise for couples to set a time to discuss, without anger, what each needs from the other for a satisfying sex life and what will work for them as a couple.

Your Weekly Homework
Many people find it difficult to speak openly about sex with their partners, but such conversations are essential. Being willing to listen and understand each other’s desires and concerns will greatly benefit your relationship. Set a time to do so this week.

Because of you, there’s a song in my heart
Because of you, this romance had its start…

Chances are ’cause I wear a silly grin
The moment you come into view…

Fly me to the moon
And let me play among the stars
Let me see what spring is like
On Jupiter and Mars
In other words, please be true
In other words, I love you

Hold me, hold me,
Never let me go until you’ve told me
What I want to know and then just hold me, hold me
Make me tell you I’m in love with you

Wise men say only fools rush in
But I can’t help falling in love with you

Summer lovin’ had me a blast
Summer lovin’ happened so fast
I met a girl, crazy for me
I met a boy, cute as can be

Why do birds suddenly appear
Every time you are near
Just like me
They long to be there
Close to you

I’ll know when my love comes my way,
I’ll know when she’s there
* * *
Sandra and Winston sit in a restaurant after a difficult week at work and some bickering at home. They finally hired a babysitter so they could unwind.
Sandra: Not too many restaurants that call themselves “diners” anymore.
Winston: And not many have the small juke boxes like these at the tables. Hey, they have our old song! (He pushes in two quarters and they listen.)
Sandra: I wish there’s a way of loading the songs into our IPOD.
Winston: Wouldn’t that be cool! They should invent a connection.
Sandra and Winston listen as the music brings back memories of when they first met. The week’s problems seem to dissolve. Winston reaches over and takes Sandra’s hand. She smiles dreamily as they both remember what happened on their first date.

The Road to Power Snuggling
Music feeds into the amygdala part of the brain which processes memories and emotional reactions. Simply hearing a few words or tones of a familiar song enables brain neurons to trigger warmth throughout the body’s nervous system. When two people hear the same song together, memories are played back and love connections are strengthened.

Your Weekly Homework
This week, find some time to enjoy your favorite music together either at home or in a concert. Enjoy the soothing results!

Yoko and John

IN MY LIFE
(Lennon & McCartney)
There are places I remember
All my life, though some have changed
Some forever not for better
Some have gone and some remain
All these places had their moments
With lovers and friends
I still can recall
Some are dead and some are living
In my life I’ve loved them all

But of all these friends and lovers
there is no one compares with you.
The missing cups of tea and thee

The following is summarized from NY Times column by Yoko Ono, 12/8/10
JOHN and I are in our Dakota [apt. house] kitchen in the middle of the night. Three cats – Sasha, Micha and Charo – are looking up at John, who is making tea for us two….
“Yoko, Yoko, you’re supposed to first put the tea bags in, and then the hot water.” John took the role of the tea maker, for being English. So I gave up doing it.
Sasha is all white, Micha is all black. They are both gorgeous, classy Persian cats. Charo, on the other hand, is a mutt. John used to have a special love for Charo. “You’ve got a funny face, Charo!” he would say, and pat her…
One night, however, John said: “I was talking to Aunt Mimi this afternoon and she says you are supposed to put the hot water in first. Then the tea bag. I could swear she taught me to put the tea bag in first but-”
“So all this time, we were doing it wrong?”
“Yeah.”
We both cracked up. That was in 1980. Neither of us knew that it was to be the last year of our life together…
They say teenagers laugh at the drop of a hat. Nowadays I see many teenagers sad and angry with each other. John and I were hardly teenagers. But my memory of us is that we were a couple who laughed.

The Road to Power Snuggling
John Lennon was murdered on December 10, 1980 when he was 40 years old. What at shock and loss to Yoko and the world!
John and Yoko were obviously so connected! With tea making, Yoko asked, “We were doing it wrong?” rather than “You were doing it wrong?” Then they laughed about it. Seeing the light side of a situation adds strength & love to a relationship.

We tend not to think about what our life would be like if we lost our partner. Appreciating what each offers now brings you joy each day. We know that there’s no guarantee that we will always be together.
– What would you miss most if your partner were not with you? (Tell them now.)
– What memories would you cherish? (Tell them now.)
– What words of love have you been holding back and meaning to say? (Tell them now.)
– What do you wish you had done together and haven’t? (Do what is possible considering time and cost.)

Your Weekly Homework
Set aside time and share your answers.

There are many seemingly small issues that can cause discomfort and lead to marriage struggles. These include disputes over dishwasher loading, missing tooth paste caps, how to pronounce a word, the best way to drive downtown, what is too much or too little to spend, as well as clothes on the floor.

The anger that erupts is not really about the clothes on the floor. Behind all anger is hurt feelings, and behind the hurt feelings the belief that “I’m not being listened to, I’m not being understood and I’m not even being acknowledged!” Everyone needs to feel that what they do is worthwhile and a love partner should be the key emotional support person. If either partner is not emotionally available, a relationship is likely to go downhill.

See what happens if either Jason or Jenny shows understanding:
Option One. Jason validates Jenny’s complaint and acknowledges her importance.
Jenny (From the top of the stairs): Jason! Your clothes are on the floor again!
Jason: You’re right. I guess I did leave some around. I’m late for the Rogers meeting. Could you help me out today?
Jenny: I’ll put them away this time. But, please try to keep the house cleaner.
Jason: Hon, I know it’s difficult for you keeping things organized and working at the school, too. (He runs up the stairs, gives her a soft tap on her shoulder and a kiss and leaves.)

In two sentences Jason has acknowledged Jenny’s concerns, her importance and his part in the situation. Both will feel better throughout the day. Note: Jason didn’t say, “I’m sorry” nor did he promise to make changes. It’s better to validate and then work on changing your behavior to accommodate the other without feeling like you’re “losing.”

Option Two. Jenny validates Jason’s job stress.
Jenny (From the top of the stairs): Jason! Your clothes are on the floor again!
Jason: Damn! I have to get to the Rogers Group meeting early. I can’t worry about a few socks!
Jenny: Yes, I understand you’ve been working hard with the Rogers Group. I hope it works out. But please help me by keeping the house neater. (Jenny holds back her anger and acknowledged the stress and long days of Jason’s office work.)
Jason: Yeah, you’re right. I know it bugs you when I leave clothes on the floor. (He races up the stairs & returns 10 seconds later after stuffing his clothes into the hamper and giving Jenny a kiss goodbye.) Have a good day! (Jason feels calmer and realizes he should really try to be neater in the future.)

The Road to Power Snuggling
Jenny needs to be acknowledged for her role in keeping up the household and working outside the home. Jason needs to be acknowledged and appreciated for his long stressful days and evenings in the office. Hopefully, both will validate the other before they leave the house, but if just one begins to stave off anger and cross the bridge into the other’s “land,” it can greatly warm the relationship. If negative feelings have continued for years, it will take time to reverse the pattern

When each partner feels they are heard and validated, they are much more likely not to react loudly over small issues. Behavior changes still have to occur as part of the validation, but the key is showing the other that they are heard and appreciated. A warmer relationship will mean Jason will want to please Jenny by keeping the house cleaner and Jenny will speak more kindly when Jason is under pressure.

Your Weekly Homework
This week, when one of those petty disputes arise, stop and think about your typical reaction. Then hold back your anger and rephrase your response into one that is more positive. Find a way to support your partner where he or she needs it the most. Record the results and over time you will notice change.

Quotes from Plato’s writing

Plato, left, with Aristotle

“At the touch of love everyone becomes a poet.”
“Love is the joy of the good, the wonder of the wise, the amazement of the Gods.”
“He was a wise man who invented beer.”
(Plato and his friends developed their ideas at “symposiums,” the name for their all night drinking parties.)

*          *          *
Helen, a graduate student studying philosophy, thought she was dreaming when she walked into a sports bar and saw him. He had a full gray beard and piercing eyes.

He was sipping beer as she approached.
Helen: Pardon me, you look just like Plato.
Plato: Yes, I am Plato.
Helen: But I thought you died centuries ago.
Plato: Oh, the report of my death was greatly exaggerated.
Helen: But how do you – I mean at your age – how do you keep….
Plato: You can extend your life, too. I just eat organic foods and throw the discus three times a day.
Helen: I’m so glad that I found you. You see, I need to know about love. I just ended a relationship and I need to know what makes perfect, lasting love.
Plato: What do you wish for in a love relationship?
Helen: Well, for starters I want complete trust. Also, I want our minds to meet and someone who can listen to my ideas and understand. I need someone who will be my best friend and sees the beauty of my mind and soul; a soul-mate!
Plato: You’re very perceptive. The beauty of your mind needs to be recognized by your partner. However, you must also accept and validate the beauty of your partner’s mind. Thus, a meeting of minds allows for lasting love. Hundreds of years after I wrote about love, others have called it “Platonic love.”
Helen: But I want physical intimacy, too!
Plato: Platonic love encourages intimacy. Examine my writings. I never said otherwise. In recent centuries Platonic love has been misinterpreted and the sexual and spiritual meaning of “eros” has been lost. Platonic love certainly includes sexual intimacy. In fact, physical intimacy reaches its peak and is most fulfilling after the meeting of the minds is achieved. However, both you and your partner must reach out to each other’s ideas. You need to cultivate an understanding and respect for each other’s thoughts even when there are differences. Love fades when couples rail against each other’s opinions. Love grows as differences are cherished and new ideas emerge. This allows you both to feel a spiritual awakening; the full passion of love.
Helen: For all these years I’ve searched for love and sought someone who thinks as I do. Now I realize I should seek Platonic love, where friendship and acceptance of differences brings us together. I’m already 25. I hope it’s not too late!
Plato, smiling at Helen, then glancing across the room:
Pardon me, but I have to meet my friend, Aristotle.
Helen: He’s alive, too?
Plato: Well, Aris is even more fit than I am. But, of course, he is younger.
Plato walks into the crowd. A few moments later Helen loses sight of him.

The Road to Power Snuggling
Use Plato’s words. Accept and cherish your partner’s differences. Validate their ideas by saying, “From your point of view, what you say makes perfect sense.” (Even when you don’t agree.) And stop there, without adding any “buts.” Listen and ask questions to fully understand your partner and they will respond in kind. Over time there will be mutual respect and greater agreement. A meeting of the minds will allow your love to grow.

Your Weekly Homework
Think of the areas, both similarities and differences, which will bring you closer to the Platonic ideal. Though no couple achieves the ideal, continue to work towards it. And physical intimacy, if accompanied with Platonic friendship, will lead to a more fulfilling relationship.

Kathy realized he needed more than listening. When he had finally finished, Kathy hugged him, not noticing the smell of the paint. Calvin’s body and face relaxed. He looked down and said, “I love your hair. It sure is shiny today.”

The Road to Power Snuggling
Touching almost always works. A warm touch releases oxytocin, a hormone that creates a sensation of trust. For months after we are born, most of the love we receive is through touch. Whether we are one day old or 100 years and a day, touch improves our mood and makes us feel loved.

Think back to the time you were held tenderly by your caregiver. Now think of your first experience of being held romantically. Then think of the first time you and your partner held each other. Each memory provides a feeling of warmth and safety.

Today you have the opportunity to continue using touch to bring you and your partner closer. It doesn’t need to be a hug or a kiss. Merely a touch on the shoulder permeates one’s nervous system. It’s simple and it works! Studies have shown that touch can reduce blood pressure and the heart rate, diminish depression, ease pain, and reduce anxiety. One study showed that a sympathetic touch from a doctor left people with the impression that their doctor’s visit lasted twice as long as it did! At DePauw University, Matthew Hertenstein had volunteers touch a blindfolded stranger. By only touching they were able to communicate eight different emotions including gratitude, disgust and love, with 70% accuracy. If this works with blindfolded strangers, imagine how easy it would be to communicate love to your partner through touch without blindfolds.

Your Weekly Homework Think of the benefits of empathic touch. At various times this week take the opportunity to touch or hug your partner bringing you closer together.

In the movie Sliding Doors, Helen Quilley runs down the stairs of a London Underground station. She arrives on the platform just in time to catch the train. A second scene shows a slight variation from the first. Helen is again running down the stairs but this time a young girl with a doll delays Helen’s progress by ten seconds. The train doors close just before Helen can step in. The movie continues alternating on two different tracts: one follows Helen’s life after she catches the first train; the other follows her very different life after she misses the first train and boards the second train.

Remember how you and your partner met? What slight variation in your life might have occurred to prevent you from meeting? The action you took after you met really determined the many events in your life. Somehow you followed through and decided to continue the relationship. Now, with your partner, you are often presented with your own version of sliding doors. Whether or not you select a particular opening to foster the relationship can play a major role in the emotional and physical health of both of you. Think of the doors that would open wider if you choose to say something or do something that will bring you closer to that romantic beginning. (For those who aren’t currently in a relationship, you have the power to enter that door as it slides open and take positive action, resulting in a closer friendship, a better business arrangement, or a new hobby.)

The Road to Power Snuggling
Power Snuggling requires taking specific action regardless of whether you decide to take the first or second train. The beauty of living with new chances is that you can always make decisions that will improve your relationship. And if one door doesn’t lead where you want to go, choose another door.

Your Weekly Homework Think of three specific actions you can take this week that might help you and your spouse recapture the joy you both felt when you first met. Try them out!

When we exercise, major physiological changes occur in our body. We jog in the park and see beautiful trees; we hear chirping and smell spring enveloping us. Jogging releases endorphins in our head and our muscles carry us forward as if on automatic pilot. We have learned that regular exercise strengthens our bones, improves our heart efficiency and promotes growth of our muscles in the areas where we put the most effort.

Wouldn’t it be great if we were able to add neuron love cells to the 100 billion cells in our brain and strengthen our love in the same way? Wouldn’t it be great if we could add “muscles” to the loving area of our brain?

For decades, scientists believed our brains changed little after adulthood. However, recent brain scanning technology shows our brain changes dramatically with behavior changes! New behavior adds brain neurons in the same way physical exercise develops muscles. In each case blood is pumped into the areas most used. Loving behavior adds neurons to our brain’s amygdala area creating a feeling of well-being; whereas, the neurons associated with anger are produced in an entirely different part of the brain (abbreviated as dACC) adding stress.

How London cab drivers help us understand our brain’s role in relationships
When London cabdrivers’ brains were scanned, their brain’s spatial relations area grew proportionately to the number of miles they drove on London streets. When they retired from driving, their brain’s spatial relations area shrunk.

The Road to Power Snuggling
What do these experiments mean for you? If you increase loving behavior you are making a physical change in your brain by expanding your “feel-good” neurons and shrinking your stress neurons. At the same time, as your partner experiences your positive interaction, they will also enjoy a boost in “feel good” neurons.

Your weekly homework
Discuss these ideas with your spouse. Strive to add tens of thousands of “feel good” cells to your relationship. See other posts to help.

In every social contact we determine whether someone cares about us by reading the tiniest facial expressions, the tone of words, eye contact or lack thereof, a specific body motion, and certainly specific deeds such as receiving a love poem. We are sometimes fooled, but over time our partner lets us know what is going on and we let them know.

A study at UCLA concluded that 93% of communication effectiveness is determined by nonverbal cues. Though researchers differ as to whether the figure should be 50%, 93% or somewhere in between, they all agree that nonverbal communication is critical.

In Fidler on the Roof, Tevye asks Golda, “Do you love me?” She sings the song that says, “After twenty-five years I’ve washed your clothes, cooked your meals…milked the cows…” etc. “I suppose I do.” And he sings, “I suppose I love you, too.” Most of us need more than Golda and Tevye’s “I suppose I do.” We deserve direct and regular refueling of committed love. We need it now, not later.

The Road to Power Snuggling
We all differ as to what makes us feel loved. There are those who feel most loved when they receive gifts. Some need to be touched and hugged often. Others need quiet times to do what they wish. Others favor having chores done for them or being taken for a night on the town. Of course, most of us want a combination of these. If both partners find ways the other feels most loved and offers it to them regularly, the “feel good quotient” in the relationship will climb dramatically.
Here are some nonverbal suggestions to try on your partner:
Leave a note on the mirror saying, “Have a great day!” — Look them lovingly in the eyes when they are telling you about a problem they have — Hand them the remote while you are watching TV together — Surprise them with the book after they read the good review — Eat dinner together with dimmed lights — Play music they love while you are eating — Get them a bandage after they cut their finger – Leave a movie review on their desk that you think they’d like – Take the dogs for a walk even though it’s not your turn — Hug several times more than you usually do — Let them sleep in on the weekend — Plant a flower and label it with both your names — Light candles in your bedroom for a romantic effect — provide smiles.

Your Weekly Homework
With your spouse, discuss the nonverbal behavior that makes each of you feel most loved and make a conscious effort to provide these this week and beyond.