Miranda: “It’s all your fault! If you hadn’t elbowed me I  wouldn’t have dropped the bowl!”
 Saul: “You should have held the bowl tight! I barely nudged your arm! Now spaghetti sauce is mashed into our new carpet!”

The argument continues for five minutes. Finally, Josh runs downstairs.
Josh: “Mom! Dad! Will you stop it! It’s spilt milk over the dam! It’s over!”
Saul begins to correct Josh’s mixed metaphor, but instead starts to laugh and Miranda joins him.  Josh is puzzled. He didn’t know he had this power. Often they argued over who’s fault it was for hours, sometimes days and Josh didn’t know how to stop them.

The Road to Power Snuggling
Focusing on blame can become a way of life in family conversations. It forces us to be constantly on guard. Children who are listening, develop a lifelong blueprint demonstrating that blame will follow any error. They constantly worry about whether they are right or wrong, bad or good, kind or mean. The “blame game” raises anxiety and inhibits creativity and adventure.
Philosophically, we tell our children that “we all make mistakes” and “don’t cry over spilt milk,” but our actions might offer different messages. How do we change the family dynamics when this occurs?

Step one: We should acknowledge what has occurred and then clean up the mess. (This will help us and our children.)
Step two: Admit our part of the problem, even when we believe our partner is primarily at fault and discuss what WE each can do to avoid future problems.
Step three: Kiss and make up as soon as possible. (Perhaps the hardest step.)

Your Weekly Homework  Think of recent conversations that have resulted in blaming. What could each of you have said to acknowledge the problem without blaming? Become super-conscious of what’s happening to avoid future blame.

After Making Up

After graduating from college, Natasha applied for the perfect public relations job with a wonderful company. She had never wanted anything more.

Competing against more experienced applicants increased her desire to land this position. She spent most waking hours planning for the interview and fantasizing about what it would be like to work there and how she could earn enough to buy her dream car. Lo and behold, she was selected!

Looking back, she realizes those wishes were trivial compared to the yearning she now has after falling in love with Robert.
Her love for Robert is all encompassing. Natasha is both energized and frozen with fear that she will say or do the wrong thing and Robert might drop her. In her office, she writes his name over and over using different letter styles. In her apartment, she keeps her phone close, praying for it to ring. When she hears it, she counts four rings before answering so as not to appear too anxious.

After a few dates, she remembers Robert’s smile and the dimple in his chin, the way he shrugs his shoulders, and the way he holds her hand. Their conversations are etched into her memory. After a particular date she tries to recall whether he used the word “magnificent” or “wonderful” when referring to the restaurant, believing he was really alluding to her.

Surely, her love for Robert is as important as being alive, for she could not imagine continuing without being with him the rest of her life.

Why we love
Helen Fisher’s book, WHY WE LOVE, describes how, over hundreds of thousands of years, people have needed to be loved and to offer love. This love is apart from the need for sexual union to continue the human race. Her research was conducted through a combination of interviews, questionnaires and brain scans of people who recently had “fallen in love.”

She concludes:
– All individuals, regardless of their culture, whether they are gay or straight, or whether they are 18 or 80 years old, seek a special person to love.
– An individual can only fall in love with one person at a time.
– When one falls in love, all other concerns take second place.
– There is strong evidence that even animals, such as elephants, foxes and apes fall in love by carefully selecting and cherishing a particular mate. This indicates that evolution paved the way for wiring human brains to select a partner.
– Romantic love is a primary motivational system inherent in the brain that allows us to choose a particular person.
– Romantic love is triggered by a complex set of brain chemistries, including dopamine and other neurotransmitters. The result produces obsessive thinking which focuses on an extreme urgency to select this particular love partner and no other.
– The experience leaves indelible brain patterns that can be recalled decades later.

The Road to Power Snuggling
Natasha’s romantic stage will fade within a few years to be replaced, hopefully, with deep, long-term love. The romantic stage, with all the neurological triggers, helped Natasha choose Robert as a partner. Now mutual support is required to enjoy long-term and fulfilling love. However, like most couples there will be power struggles along the way.

Though we can not and should not return to our “falling in love” stage, we can rekindle romance and cultivate long-term love. This is achieved by regularly empathizing, daily appreciations and accepting what we might view as annoying behavior.

Your Weekly Homework
Think back to the time you fell in love with your partner. Remember how you met and what attracted you to him or her. Remember the romantic times together. Realize that this was just the prelude for establishing a long-term relationship. Plan what you can do now to enjoy your future time together.

Sonia is on the phone with her friend, Isabel:
Sonia: …so Carl will finally be home early and we can relax together. Wait, I’m getting a message on my Blackberry. Damn! He has to work late again! Isabel, this beeping never stops!
Isabel: I know what you mean. I get so many messages. And Frank’s rarely available for a real conversation. He’s either booked on Facebook or Twittering on Twitter.

New technology allows us to keep in touch in various ways. These “clicks” are efficient in keeping up with events, but overdone when they replace time for emotional connections.

Remember when you and your spouse first met and talked for hours over a cup of coffee or a meal? You took the time to appreciate the beauty of each other’s personality without interruption. Today’s electronics provide small clips of togetherness with little depth of feelings. How do you return to those one-on-one-in-person times?

The Road to Power Snuggling
You need not toss away your handhelds, but you can do what couples have done for the thousands of years before electrical communication devices: reserve time to dine together, sans all devices. Yes, actually turn them all off at dinnertime! Come on now, TV and phone, too! We know you can do it! Then you will hear each other’s voices, see each other’s facial expressions and enjoy the love connection you had while dating.

Your Weekly Homework
Regularly, make dinner for two a priority. Rediscover the warmth of a relaxing time to fully listen to each other. If you have children it can be a time for sharing thoughts and feelings. Hold hands instead of handhelds. Enjoy your meal and your love.

It is a rainy Saturday afternoon and Teri is visiting Kenny. They are in the same second grade class. They make a tent by draping a blanket over a card table and crawl under it.
Teri whispers: Now we’re invisible. Grownups can’t see us.
Kenny whispers: But we can peak out and see them and hear the funny things they say.
(Teri and Kenny sip their hot chocolate and crunch on their oatmeal cookies.)
Teri: We can do whatever we want and no one can say “stop!” We can fly to Paris and talk French.
Kenny: And if anyone tries to stop us, I’m going to push them down and save you!
Teri: Once we get to Paris we’ll ride up the big tower!
Kenny: And we’ll eat all kinds of fancy French foods and French ice cream.

When we are children, we find ways to keep safe. If parents argue, we run into our room or hide in the closet. We gravitate toward a parent, a grandparent or a friend who accepts us. We distance ourselves from those who are critical, making us feel unsafe.

Being safe in a love relationship means we can be ourselves and say how we feel because our partner understands or will ask questions if they don’t. To make our partner feel safe we speak to them in a way that won’t offend, even if we have a problem with them. When we make a mistake we admit it without feeling we are “giving in” and our partner will console us rather than blame us. When we need to, we reach for a hug because we know it will be accepted. This is how relationships should be.

Easier said, than done.
Unfortunately, many couples feel they need to “walk on egg shells” much of the time, worrying about being criticized for saying or doing the “wrong” thing. The relationship frequently feels tense, leading to stomachaches or headaches. This is no way to live for months or years. We can take action to improve the situation.

Paul Newman and Joanne Woodward were married for 50 years. Paul died in 2008, a few months after their golden wedding anniversary. They felt safe most of the time and here are some of their quotes:
Paul: “Joanne has always given me unconditional support in all my choices and endeavors, and that includes my race car driving, which she deplores. To me, that’s love.”
Joanne: “Sexiness wears thin after a while and beauty fades, but to be married to a man who makes you laugh every day, ah, now that’s a real treat.”
Paul: “We are very, very different people and yet somehow we fed off those varied differences and instead of separating us, it has made the whole bond a lot stronger.”

The Road to Power Snuggling
We express ourselves openly early in our relationships. We tend to feel comfortable, our words come easily and they are accepted by our partner. Later, after conflicts arise, we worry about what we say or what we do that might tick off our partner and this can last for years!
You can alleviate this tension and rekindle your love by regularly and consciously changing your behavior. Provide daily appreciations, empathize, discover new ways to please your partner and accept some parts of your partner’s behavior which may not be perfect. This will help you to enjoy the Paul-Joanne type of relationship. Yes, it’s work, but it’s so worthwhile!

Your Weekly Homework
Think of how it will be when the two of you feel safe together. Develop a plan to create this safety for each other. Initiate behavior changes even if your partner is not yet on-board. They will follow when they feel safe.

What are exits and why do we take them?
Everyone needs some space in a relationship. We usually work in separate locations, have our own friends, hobbies, chores and pleasures. It is a tricky balance staying emotionally connected and still having our private times. Some couples call each other while at work; others separate work-time from together-time. Some have separate hobbies; others, mutual hobbies.

Ordinary time apart becomes an exit when unresolved conflicts make partners feel so uncomfortable that they need to “get away.” Individuals who feel frequently criticized, frustrated or discouraged will seek more pleasant outlets.

Exits occur when partners are working extra long hours, spending considerable time with friends, constantly talking on the phone, often watching or playing sports, continuously reading or on the computer, or being so involved with the children that little time or energy is left for their partner.

These activities in moderation are not harmful. However, when overdone, their partner feels they are “last on the totem pole,” resulting in a relapse of emotional connection between the two, with the possibility of separation and divorce.

The Road to Power Snuggling
Snuggling can be recaptured by noting what is happening and taking action to make changes. If you open your communication, even though it may be temporarily difficult, it will provide you the avenue for enjoying the relationship you deserve.

Your Weekly Homework
Explore your relationship and see how each of you is spending time and whether conflicts are keeping you apart. Discuss what is occurring and plan changes that will balance your time spent together and apart, bringing you closer.

Because of you, there’s a song in my heart
Because of you, this romance had its start…

Chances are ’cause I wear a silly grin
The moment you come into view…

Fly me to the moon
And let me play among the stars
Let me see what spring is like
On Jupiter and Mars
In other words, please be true
In other words, I love you

Hold me, hold me,
Never let me go until you’ve told me
What I want to know and then just hold me, hold me
Make me tell you I’m in love with you

Wise men say only fools rush in
But I can’t help falling in love with you

Summer lovin’ had me a blast
Summer lovin’ happened so fast
I met a girl, crazy for me
I met a boy, cute as can be

Why do birds suddenly appear
Every time you are near
Just like me
They long to be there
Close to you

I’ll know when my love comes my way,
I’ll know when she’s there
* * *
Sandra and Winston sit in a restaurant after a difficult week at work and some bickering at home. They finally hired a babysitter so they could unwind.
Sandra: Not too many restaurants that call themselves “diners” anymore.
Winston: And not many have the small juke boxes like these at the tables. Hey, they have our old song! (He pushes in two quarters and they listen.)
Sandra: I wish there’s a way of loading the songs into our IPOD.
Winston: Wouldn’t that be cool! They should invent a connection.
Sandra and Winston listen as the music brings back memories of when they first met. The week’s problems seem to dissolve. Winston reaches over and takes Sandra’s hand. She smiles dreamily as they both remember what happened on their first date.

The Road to Power Snuggling
Music feeds into the amygdala part of the brain which processes memories and emotional reactions. Simply hearing a few words or tones of a familiar song enables brain neurons to trigger warmth throughout the body’s nervous system. When two people hear the same song together, memories are played back and love connections are strengthened.

Your Weekly Homework
This week, find some time to enjoy your favorite music together either at home or in a concert. Enjoy the soothing results!

Susan and Peter
They meet at a ski resort. Both are outgoing and have a great sense of humor. She is a lawyer, specializing in health law. He is a healthcare economist. They grew up within a few miles of each other near Providence. They both enjoy collecting modern paintings. They talk up a storm until 3am.

Ronald and Jennifer
They meet in the grocery store. He’s about to cook a gourmet meal. She’s never cooked much – just basic meals. She volunteers at the local animal shelter. Ronald always wanted a dog, but has never had one. Ronald is an award winning author. Jennifer teaches ballet. He invites her to join him and his friends for dinner that night.

Obviously, we can’t be sure which couple will be happier. But research indicates the outlook is brighter for Ronald and Jennifer. Why?

As reported in the NY Times (Jan. 2, 2011, Week in Review) studies show that experiencing “self-expansion” from one’s partner is key to a committed and satisfying long-term relationship. The article notes that “for centuries, marriage was viewed as an economic and social institution…” In modern relationships, people want partners who make their lives more interesting.

Couples benefit most when they each feel the freedom and encouragement from the other to grow in many ways, thus realizing their own talents and potential by drawing on the other.

Because of their differences, Ronald and Jennifer have the potential to make each other’s life more interesting. Of course, they each have to want to learn from the other. Susan and Peter can do the same, but since they’ve begun their relationship with similar personalities and interests, they may have to work harder to stimulate each other’s growth.

When people first fall in love, they quickly experience “self-expansion” with this new and exciting person. They take on new roles during the romantic stage. Over time, the personal gains become more subtle. However, differences – rather than similarities – provide the spark and challenges that sustain a long-term happy relationship. We all seek emotional growth and a desire to improve ourselves. Being in a relationship with one who helps us grow is the ultimate ingredient for sustained love and happiness.

The Road to Power Snuggling
By examining the other’s strengths and interests, you can find stimulating growth areas for one or both of you. In addition to hobbies and interests, one person may be more outgoing and the other more pensive; one may be more creative and the other more practical. These differences provide a recipe of growth for each partner by participating or simply learning and admiring the abilities of the other. Though there are countless other factors which lead to happy marriages, taking advantage of your differences is one of the best starting points.

Your Weekly Homework
Whether you have been together for weeks or years, think about what you can learn from each other and encourage your partner to grow. The result will be a happier and more loving relationship.

There are overt 50 Snuggles on our website. Explore some you may have missed.

Love Cloud

Seeker: What I really want is a partner who will love me, respect me, and enjoy being with me. I want someone with whom I can feel comfortable so I can be myself. When we first met, that was how it was. We had unbelievable love!

Love Advisor: And what happened?
Seeker: I tried to continue to do what I did then. I kept up my appearance, worked hard to earn a living, did kind things for and with my partner and I tried to be interesting and pleasant. But over the years things changed. We lost that experience of being in love. Now we often have conflicts and draw battle lines, each thinking we are right. I miss the old days.
Love Advisor: So you are still working hard to make your partner love you?
Seeker: Yes, but it doesn’t seem to work. What am a doing wrong?
Love Advisor: Your goal is upside down. Love is an art. Your first goal should be to learn how to love. Only then will your other efforts succeed.
Seeker: But I am told by friends, by movies and by articles, all the things I should do to be loved. The TV and the internet are flooded with them: Look great, be accomplished and be kind to one’s partner.
Love Advisor: I’m afraid those sources also have an upside-down view. Think of the people who loved you when you were young and those who you love unconditionally now. You don’t love your children, friends, or even your pets because they are pretty or accomplished. You love them because you learned how to love and see their wonderful parts. You do not withhold your love until they see your wonderful parts.
On a lesser scale, you might love dancing, a sunrise through the fog, a sumptuous meal, sports, yoga, or discussion groups. Why? Because you have worked to understand the subtleties of these experiences. You have learned the art of loving.
Seeker: I don’t understand. How will this help me and my partner regain our love?
Love Advisor: It sounds like you spend much time trying to please your partner. Instead, focus on admiring what is happening in the world around you. You will feel love by seeing perfection in an imperfect friend, by hearing the melodic voice of a singer, by relishing a conversation with a young child, or by reading a fascinating book. As you practice the art of loving, you are less likely to be drawn into daily spats. Your partner will feel a more loving environment and tensions will be diminished. Your differences will no longer be a source of conflict, but will instead become something you respect and even admire. Through this journey you will rediscover the beauty of the relationship you had when you first met, but with a love that is now much deeper and lasting.

The Road to Power Snuggling
Over 50 years ago, in 1956, psychologist Erich Fromm wrote: The Art of Loving. A 50th anniversary edition was published in 2006. The book has been translated into 34 languages. Some of the book’s concepts are illustrated in the dialogue above.

Fromm’s philosophy is as true now as it was 50+ years ago. He wrote: “Is love an art? Then it requires knowledge and effort. Or is love a pleasant sensation, which to experience is a matter of chance, something one ‘falls into’ if one is lucky? …. Most people see the problem of love as that of being loved, rather than of loving. Hence the problem to them is …how to be loveable.”

Fromm says that love in Western societies has been thought of as acquiring a love “object” where we want the highest quality in appearance, success and personality to match our attributes. This belief leads to failure over time as romance diminishes and one or both parties feel the relationship is uneven. He says we only achieve lasting love by mastering the art of loving. Through concentration, discipline, and patience we learn the beauty of being able to see love all around us. We then can accept the imperfections of both our partners and ourselves, yet continue to admire our partner. Only then will we realize the lasting love we so desire.

Your Weekly Homework
This week set your primary goal to expand your capacity to love. Notice the beauty around you and take in the warm feelings it brings. Let these feelings of acceptance and gratitude flow into your relationship.

Part II: How one party can stop an argument in its tracks to reach understanding. (See prior article) The intuitive way to settle arguments is for each to bring in more facts and more passion. But this way almost always pushes couples apart resulting in less understanding.

The counter-intuitive way often works. It works for heart patients who feel they should rest yet are told to exercise; it works for drivers skidding in snow, who want to pound the brake yet should brake in a short repetitive motion; and it will work to bring you closer to your love partner and to reach a better understanding as seen below.

As discussed in prior article: empathize with your partner, agree that the way they feel makes sense. You are not agreeing with their conclusion that they are right and you are wrong.
Okay, you say, but how do I get my point of view heard?

The Road to Power Snuggling
Part III: The final step so both parties feel heard.
There is always a second side to every argument. Each feels their side is correct because values and prior experiences differ. In a way, you are both right.
Josh and Nicole’s argument began:
Josh: Nicole! I asked you to do such a simple thing this morning – drop off the computer printer to get it fixed and pick it up on your way home!
Nicole: Yes, you did. But something came up and I couldn’t bring the printer in.
Josh: You always find some reason you can’t help me! Now I have no way to print and mail out the minutes. I’m going to catch hell from the board members.
At this point, Nicole realizes that Josh is too angry to listen to her side so she moves ahead and empathizes with Josh. She does not apologize nor admit error, but does connect with his emotions:
Nicole: Yeah, the board members will be upset if they don’t get the current minutes.

How does Nicole get heard? She waits until after dinner when Josh is ready to hear her.
Nicole: You know, Josh, you were pretty angry about the printer. I’d like to tell you how I feel about the situation. Will you listen to me now?
Josh: (Who has now cooled down) Fine. Tell me.
Nicole: Well, the reason I couldn’t bring the printer in is that Philip called and said he forgot to take his project to today’s science fair. So I had to drive in the opposite direction from the computer place. I was also late for work!
Josh: I didn’t know that. Why didn’t you tell me earlier?
Nicole: I tried, but I couldn’t get you to listen and I was feeling attacked and blamed by you.
Josh: I’m glad you just brought it up again. I guess I shouldn’t have gotten so angry. I see now I was blaming and wasn’t interested in what you had to say.

Your Weekly Homework
Try the counter-intuitive way to empathize with your partner when an argument begins. Be sure to follow up later so your partner hears your side.

The Evolution of Arguments
People use these four styles to defend themselves during an argument. The argument grows out of control as each tries harder to strengthen their position.
1. The Blamer
Philosophy: The best defense is a good offense.
Sample words: “It’s all your fault! If it weren’t for you everything would be fine!”
Body position: In your face, finger pointing.

2. The Placater
Philosophy: Poor me! I’ll make you feel sorry for me so you will fill my needs.
Sample words: “I can’t do anything right. I take on more work than anyone.”
Body position: Arms down, face looking helpless and sad, chin down.

3. The Super Analyst
Philosophy: If I don’t show you my feelings, you can’t hurt me.
Sample words: “I have it all figured out. You just need to—–
And then you should-” (Robotic voice.)
Body position: Standing straight up with stiff back, looking like a robot.

4. The Distracter
Philosophy: Avoid the problem and it will go away. I don’t have to deal with this now and maybe never.
Sample words: “Problem? What problem? I have to make a phone call.”
Body position: Turning away from partner or walking into other room.
Note how the four methods pop up in this dialogue
Josh: blame: Nicole! I asked you to do such a simple thing this morning: drop off the computer printer to get it fixed and pick it up on your way home!
Nicole: Well, I had a very good reason –
Josh: blame: You always find something!
placate: Now I have no way to print and mail out the minutes. I’m going to catch hell from the board members.
blame: All you had to do was drop it off on your way to work! You pass right by!
Nicole: blame: You never want to hear my side!
placate: I work here AND at my office AND make sure the kids get to school! I run like crazy! blame: And what about YOU?
Josh: What about me?
Nicole: blame: Well, you run upstairs and drop your clothes all over the floor! placate: So I have to become your maid.
Josh: placate: Well, I’m tired after working all day and I had a terrible meeting this morning. super analyst: What we need is two hampers – one for dark clothes and another for light.
Nicole: blame: Damn! There you go again!
Josh: distract: Look, I don’t have time for this. I have to make a phone call. (He walks out.)

The Road to Power Snuggling
Understanding what occurs during an argument is the first step toward improving and soothing communication. When you discuss a problem, try to be less defensive and work against the problem, rather than against each other.
Individuals tend to use one of the four methods more than the others. For example, some will blame most often, while others will placate, analyze, or distract more.

Your Weekly Homework
Take note of your communication style to become more aware of your part in the process and realize, for example, when you avoid discussion of issues, you are really using the distraction style.

Next article illustrates how Nicole and Josh reopen the lines of communication.