In the movie Sliding Doors, Helen Quilley runs down the stairs of a London Underground station. She arrives on the platform just in time to catch the train. A second scene shows a slight variation from the first. Helen is again running down the stairs but this time a young girl with a doll delays Helen’s progress by ten seconds. The train doors close just before Helen can step in. The movie continues alternating on two different tracts: one follows Helen’s life after she catches the first train; the other follows her very different life after she misses the first train and boards the second train.

Remember how you and your partner met? What slight variation in your life might have occurred to prevent you from meeting? The action you took after you met really determined the many events in your life. Somehow you followed through and decided to continue the relationship. Now, with your partner, you are often presented with your own version of sliding doors. Whether or not you select a particular opening to foster the relationship can play a major role in the emotional and physical health of both of you. Think of the doors that would open wider if you choose to say something or do something that will bring you closer to that romantic beginning. (For those who aren’t currently in a relationship, you have the power to enter that door as it slides open and take positive action, resulting in a closer friendship, a better business arrangement, or a new hobby.)

The Road to Power Snuggling
Power Snuggling requires taking specific action regardless of whether you decide to take the first or second train. The beauty of living with new chances is that you can always make decisions that will improve your relationship. And if one door doesn’t lead where you want to go, choose another door.

Your Weekly Homework Think of three specific actions you can take this week that might help you and your spouse recapture the joy you both felt when you first met. Try them out!

Hey diddle diddle,
The cat and the fiddle,
The cow jumped over the moon,
The little dog laughed to see such sport,
And the dish ran away with the spoon.

After a hard day, when many things went wrong, we met in the kitchen to cook dinner together. Our conversation went something like this:
Jon: So you live on this campus, too. Where are you from?
Beverly: Mongolia.
J: You came in from Outer Mongolia?
B: No I came out from Inner Mongolia.
J: And what are you studying?
B: Organic farming.
J: So you’re into health foods?
B: No, we bring pipe organs from around the world to soothe the minds of farm animals. What are you studying?
J: Solar heating.
B: Saving the environment, huh?
J: Actually, we develop heat for your shoe soles.
B: Sounds great! I’d love to have some soler heat when I get cold feet.
J:. Come to the lab and I’ll warm you up. What’s your phone number?
B: It’s on the internet.
J: Great! What’s your name?
B: That’s also on the internet, right next to my phone number. Bye!

Then Beverly begins to dry lettuce in the salad spinner and Jon puts the fish on broil.

The Road to Power Snuggling
One of the best ways to keep refueling a serious, loving relationship is taking time for play and acting silly. Yes, act silly like a child. Role playing might work, but if you’re not into that, try some of these:
Take turns throwing a deck of cards, one by one, around the room and see where they land; when you’re with your kids or grandkids, choose an animal and mimic it’s action and sounds and tell what your animal is thinking; surprise your partner by cooking a strange combination of foods (some we tried were salmon soup and a sandwich with tuna, raisins and apple slices); splash each other with water on a hot day; dress up sexy for dinner; have a pillow fight; one blows bubbles and the other “catches” them – or reenact various ways you had fun when you first met.

Your weekly homework
Pick a few fun/silly things and do them this week. Then email us some of your favorite activities over the years to share with others. We won’t reveal names or emails.

Winning at bridge requires an opening bid and a supporting response. If your partner opens with three hearts, you know they have a hand full of hearts and they are asking you to join them with your hearts. You hope you can respond “four hearts,” but must respond according to the cards you have been dealt.

With love you have more opportunities. Regardless of your partner’s opening bid, over 90% of the time you will have what it takes to support your relationship.

What is a bid from your love partner? A bid is anything that they say or any action they take:
“Good morning!” is a bid; “Did I have a rough day today!” is a bid; a smile is a bid; a frown is a bid; “Do you want to go out to dinner?” is a bid; a touch on the shoulder is a bid; “Did you hear what happened downtown?” is a bid.

These are bids because they allow you to respond. You or your partner can respond positively, neutrally, or negatively to any bid. A simple bid such as “Good morning!” can elicit these responses:
Positive: “Yes, it’s a great morning! Did you see that our tulips are beginning to flower? This light rain should help our garden.”
Neutral: “Uh-huh,” as the responder continues to read the newspaper.
Negative: “Just like you on a dreary day, trying to make everything look good.”
Negative: Ignore – no response.

The Road to Power Snuggling
As in bridge, snuggling requires determining the best way to connect with your partner’s bids.Positive responses will bring love closer and negative or neutral responses will push you further apart. This doesn’t mean that if your partner dumps on you that you have to counter with a positive response; however, hopefully you can avoid upping the negative ante. We find most bids offered each day allow for positive responses, even with couples who are having conflicts.

Your weekly homework
With your partner, agree to spend the week consciously adding more positive responses to each bid you receive.
(We understand that both partners may not be reading these Snuggles and your partner may not be joining you in these exercises. However, your relationship will improve even if you take action alone. Again, persistence is key for positive results.)

Across a crowded room….
“Some enchanted evening
You may see a stranger,
You may see a stranger
Across a crowded room
And somehow you know,
You know even then
That somewhere you’ll see her
Again and again.”
– Song from South Pacific
(Search site for complete lyrics)

We meet hundreds of people before we find someone who attracts us so much that we decide to marry them. When asked, “Why that person?” people might say, “Because they were good looking, intelligent, and had similar interests to mine.” They add, “And they were fun to be with.” In fact, so much fun to be with that they couldn’t imagine not being with them. The truth is they’ve met dozens of people with very similar characteristics they had described, but only found that one to marry. Why do we select that special person?

In his research of couples, Harville Hendrix, who founded Imago Therapy, discovered that one partner in long-term relationships is almost always a “Maximizer” and the other a “Minimizer.” One talks more, is more likely to answer the phone when it rings, makes social arrangements, and speaks first when greeting others. The other may have just as much power in the relationship but uses their power in more reserved ways.

The Minimizer (perhaps a man in this illustration) sees this stranger across a crowded room laughing and socializing with a crowd of others. He has an urge to be with her and enjoy the festivities, but that is not his nature. The Maximizer (perhaps a woman) sees this quiet, thoughtful man in the same room, listening and nodding and seeming to be powerfully together. She thinks, “I have to meet this man.” Unconsciously, each yearns for parts of the other’s personality. The quieter one thinks, “Wouldn’t it be great if I could be so social?” The other thinks, “Wouldn’t it be great if I could be so introspective, thoughtful and controlled?” Eventually, the pull is so great that they meet.

What happens? After months or years together, what was an attraction can now become a great annoyance. “Help! She’s always on the phone yapping away and laughing!” and “Help! He’s constantly on the computer and reading his manuals!” Each then believes it is his or her duty to change the other. A power struggle begins and unless couples find ways to alleviate the situation the power struggle might end the relationship or become a lifetime of conflict.

The Road to Power Snuggling
Harville Hendrix finds that couples need to work through this “power struggle stage” so they can move, over time, to the long-term love stage.

How? First couples need to develop a conscious relationship. They need to see the relationship as if they were a spectator looking from outside at this couple who happens to be themselves. By consciously reviewing their own behavior as well as their partner’s, both can make the necessary adjustments. They will expand themselves by acquiring some of the parts they appreciated in their partner when they first met. The maximizer will grow by finding that she can at times be more introspective, thoughtful, and a good listener; the minimizer will grow by finding he can be more socially interactive and lead more. They will still maintain their comfortable roles as maximizer and minimizer, but instead of being annoyed by each other’s behavior, each will again admire the attributes of the other that they found so enlightening when they first met. Not easy, but the results will provide the couple with greater harmony.

Your Weekly Homework
With your spouse, speak of what you felt when you first were attracted to each other. Make a conscious effort to stretch and develop some of these parts in yourself.

Comments are encouraged.

Some enchanted evening
Someone may be laughin’,
You may hear her laughin’
Across a crowded room
And night after night,
As strange as it seems
The sound of her laughter
Will sing in your dreams.

Who can explain it?
Who can tell you why?
Fools give you reasons,
Wise men never try.

Some enchanted evening
When you find your true love,
When you feel her call you
Across a crowded room,
Then fly to her side,
And make her your own
Or all through your life you
May dream all alone.

Once you have found her,
Never let her go.
Once you have found her,
Never let her go!

How “first love” memories impact you now

Remember when you first had a crush on a boy or girl and could think of nothing else? Recall the feeling of waking up and seeing their face, hearing their voice and continuing the romance in your mind’s eye, enjoying the pleasure of pretending to hear them tell you they loved you? Even now you may think “if only I had married” this perfect person.

James Joyce’s story, “The Dead” (later a movie) tells of a woman whose first love died as a teenager. The woman’s current husband realizes that she is still thinking of her lost beau and imagining how life would be perfect if she had only married him. No matter how much her husband tries, he finds it impossible to compete with the lost love in his wife’s mind.

At times we might compare our partner to lost loves or to others we meet, or even to movie stars. This is comforting, but distorts reality. The romance of short-term glimpses seem perfect compared to daily living. Our real life is a combination of beauty and romance mixed with preparing meals, fighting traffic and paying bills. If we seek perfection, we will always be disappointed.

The Road to Power Snuggling
Recall when you fell in love with your current partner and work to recapture this romance. Think of the meaningful times you have shared. Focus on your partner’s admirable traits and reinforce these with praise. Find ways you can grow for your own fulfillment as well as supporting your partner. This will be a joint effort and an evolving process, allowing the two of you to become more “perfect” for each other. Chances are, you will again feel those “first love” warm romantic feelings … but this time with more meaning and depth … and this time with your spouse.

Your Weekly Homework
Write your memories when you first fell in love. Then, think of your feelings when you met your current partner. Discuss these thoughts together and think of ways to recapture the joy you had when you met.

“Your mom’s calling again!” Rita frowns, hands the phone to David and walks away.
“Yes, Mom,” David says. “Uh-huh. When do you need it done? I can’t Monday, but how about Tuesday? Yes, I told you that when you called a few hours ago. I’ve got to get off. Rita’s waiting.”
You’ve been married for years, yet your spouse is constantly on the phone with his mom. You try to ignore it, but at times you blow up. Some couples juggle this well but for most, daily tensions rise and the emotional bond between partners weakens. (Of course, the situation may be reversed and it is you who spends too much time talking with your mom, relatives, friends or grown children.)

The Road to Power Snuggling
First, acknowledge that one of you is feeling unimportant due to frequent calls received by the other. In this case, David feels sorry for his “lonely” mom though his dad may still be around. He says, “After all, she did give birth to me and raise me. The least I can do is speak with her when she calls.”
Rita says, “We’re the ones who are married. When are you going to cater to me as you do to your mom? Your mom’s constant calls make it harder for me to be close to you or to her.”
Both David and Rita are right.
The solution lies in being sensitive to each other’s needs. Set limits on calls and let everyone know about these limits, including Mom. Agree on the number, length, and time of day of the calls. Mom should know when calls would be inconvenient.

Because of conflicts, one or both partners might call family or friends for emotional support. Of course others will validate you because they only hear your side of the story. This validation will make you feel that you are right and will probably aggravate the situation. Talk only to your partner about your private issues, not to others. Speaking only with each other can be a challenge; however, respecting this privacy is crucial for maintaining trust, understanding and long-term love.

Your Weekly Homework
Establish a quiet time to talk with your partner, making a specific plan for handling frequent phone calls. Tell your close contacts about the limitations. Follow-up weekly to discuss how the plan is working.

“You have to make a right soon,” Kathy says to George as he drives.
“I know. I have the directions.”
“You make a right after the McDonalds.”
“Uh-huh.”
“Don’t you think you should be in the right lane now?”
“Kathy, I know where I’m going!”
“George, you’re too close to the Honda!”
“Please Kathy, let me drive!”
“Okay, but last time you made a wrong turn.”
George pulls over and slams on the brakes. “You’re forever telling me how to drive! I get so discombobulated that I do make mistakes!”
Kathy gazes out the side window and whispers, “Just trying to help, George.”

Some annoying patterns develop in most relationships. Change is not easy. How to Complain to Your Spouse -I, suggested, when annoyed, that you state your
complaint, and use “I” messages such as: “Kathy, when I try to drive and hear frequent advice on where to turn and how to drive, I get very anxious, especially when I have directions and feel confident.”

When couples find that their repeated “I” messages with request for change fall on deaf ears, our BETTER UNDERSTANDING GUIDE (BUG) can be very effective.

The Road to Power Snuggling
At home, George asks Kathy when she will be available to use The BUG*.
George completes each stem and Kathy repeats the sentence to show she has heard him:
1. I see that you tend to advise me on how to drive. (Kathy: “You see that I tend to advise you ….” etc.)
2. I guess that you think I will not know where to go and we might get lost and be late.
3. But I feel that I know where to go and would drive better without advice.
4. I am upset that each time we drive together you regularly tell me how and where to drive.
5. Based on past experience I expect this will continue for some time.
6. Specifically I would like no advice unless I request it.
7. This would make me feel more relaxed and allow our relationship to be more harmonious.
8. I appreciate that you try to get us to the correct destination.
9. I hope that in the future you will allow me to drive without receiving advice unless I request it.
10. Thank you for listening to me.

It is important for Kathy to mirror back each sentence and acknowledge George’s concerns. Of course, at times Kathy may use the BUG to voice her concerns on issues that bother her, but not at this time.
*© (Jon & Beverly Meyerson)

Your Weekly Homework
Each spouse takes a turn using the BUG for something very specific that they would like changed.

“Bruce, you always leave the car keys where I can’t find them. You never hang them up!” Janet shakes her head, glances at Bruce then turns away, letting out an exasperated breath.
“You know, Janet, you’re never satisfied. And besides, you’re not so perfect. You’re always throwing away my newspapers before I can read them!” Bruce points to the spot where the newspapers should have been and rolls his eyes.
“Well, you can’t keep them there, messing up the dining room and that has nothing to do with the keys and besides…..” Janet’s hands are bouncing up and down with her anger.
Arguments like these can go on for years on the same issue and cease only when spouses believe changes will never occur. They finally give up. Resentment builds and anger spreads throughout the body and throughout the walls of the house. Often partners tune out and walk away, afraid to perpetuate an uncomfortable situation.

The Road to Power Snuggling
Two communication changes are required for your spouse to listen and to get results:  Modify your negative body language, which has been great for expressing your angst, but is ineffective. Modify your words to shift focus from your spouse to the behavior you want to alter.

The non-verbal package of rolling eyes, pointing fingers, shoulder shrugs, door slams and any other negative body language, needs to be shipped to Antarctica so it can be stored in permafrost. This body language almost begs your spouse to defend him or herself. Instead, hold your emotions and think how you would act at a business meeting when you’re frustrated, yet want results. Look at your spouse directly without negative body language.

Next, toss these words down the garbage disposal and grind them well:
You always and You never.
Replace with new, request for action words. State your feelings in a way they can be heard. Instead of “you” substitute “I” messages: “When I look for the keys on the hook and can’t find them, I get very frustrated. I’m usually rushing out the door and I’m afraid I will be late for an appointment. It really helps when the keys are on the hook.”
Your spouse is then more likely to respond, “Well it’s difficult to remember with all the things I have to do.” This is your chance to validate. “Yes, I know you have a lot on your mind and it is difficult to remember to hang up the keys.” (No buts added.)
The next time the keys are on the hook, express your appreciation. “Thanks for hanging them up. I felt so relaxed getting out of the house today.”
This is your first step toward complaining effectively. You are learning a new language and teaching your spouse to listen to a new language. In future weeks, we will provide additional tools on how to complain.

Your Weekly Homework
Jot down the words you have been using to voice your complaints and the accompanying body language. Now write the way you could be using “I” messages to express your feelings with revised body language. To start, use this skill for smaller problems. We will cover larger problems in future Snuggles. Pat yourself on the back for beginning to speak a language your spouse can hear.