Being together, yet alone

Couples stay at arm’s length when afraid to raise uncomfortable issues. Ironically, though very friendly with others, they reserve their criticism for the person they yearn to be closest to — their spouse.

In 1964, Eric Berne wrote the best selling book, Games People Play, which describes how spouses unconsciously set up situations which lead to arguments. In the back of their mind is: If you really love and respect me, you’ll cater to all my desires.

Example:
Brenda and Ron are leaving for the movies:
Brenda, just after they walk out the door: You know, Ron, our house needs painting. (She thinks: I’ve been asking Ron for months. I wonder if he loves me enough to do it?)
Ron: You know we can’t afford that! I’ve told you we’re tight on funds! (He thinks: She keeps bugging me. Why can’t she understand we have no money for that now?)
Brenda: Well, it’s been years and it looks terrible! (She thinks: I’ll give him another chance to let me know he loves me.)
Ron: This is no fun. Why don’t you go to the movies alone! (He thinks: If she really loves me she won’t really go alone.)
Brenda: OK, I’ll just do that!  (She thinks: That proves it. I’m not going to be with someone who doesn’t love me.)

Though Brenda really does want the house painted and Ron is worried about the money, the conversation is more about emotional tugs and determining how much each is willing to sacrifice for the other to confirm their love.

The Road to Power Snuggling
Instead of testing your partner’s love, look at what he or she has said and done to exhibit love over years. Just because he or she won’t agree to many of your desires doesn’t mean that love is absent. In a conscious relationship, love is not tested but assumed and Brenda wouldn’t have brought up house painting at this inopportune time. If she had “slipped,” by mentioning the painting she would have quickly agreed with Ron that their funds are tight and not ruined their plans to go to the movie.

In a conscious, loving relationship, Ron would have respected Brenda’s desires and acknowledged  that the house needed painting. He would agree to look at their funds in the future.

In this way couples can move from the parallel lives of testing love, to assuming love and helping it grow.

Your weekly homework:
Spend more time this week speaking face to face with your partner, realizing love is present. Make a conscious effort to listen to each other, working together on issues cooperatively rather than competitively.

Weekly Question:
What action do you or your partner take when one feels lonely in your relationship? What is frustrating? What seems helpful?