Build, Don’t Steal, Your Partner’s “Poker Chips”
Relationships grow warmer as two stacks of “Poker Chips” grow.
When I was one, I had just begun;
When I was two, I was nearly new;
When I was three I was hardly me;
When I was four, I was not much more;
When I was five, I was just alive;
But now I am six; I’m as clever as clever;
So I think I’ll be six for ever and ever!
– A.A. Milne
When we were very young our parents cared for all our needs. They fed us, diapered us, hugged us, comforted us when we cried, smiled with us, and told us how wonderful we were. And we became wonderful! We acted like a poker player with a high stack of poker chips. We took risks. And if we were wrong, we’d go back and take more risks, because losing a few poker chips still left us with plenty more and gallons of confidence.
The Road to Power Snuggling
Over the years, both our stack of poker chips and our partner’s rises and falls with life’s successes and failures. However, we have the opportunity of increasing our partner’s stack of poker chips with appreciations or stealing chips with criticism. Our goal should be to rebuild each other’s stack with more of the former, so we both win.
Appreciations come in three varieties:
Behavior – “You planned the most spectacular vacation!”
Appearance – “I love the way your hair looks and you have a smile to match.”
Character – “You really have a talent for figuring out tough problems.”
If you both practice appreciation skills frequently, you will feel clever as clever and want to be close to each other forever and ever! The joy of your relationship will rise along with your two stacks of chips.
But, you say, “What if we have a problem?” An upcoming Power Snuggle will address how to talk to your partner about a problem and get positive results without stealing his or her poker chips. Problems need to be discussed so you hear each other without feeling diminished. Brainstorming and solving issues together always works better than criticizing. This week concentrate on appreciations.
Your Weekly Homework
Think of what you can do today to increase your partner’s stack of Poker Chips. And do it. Think of ways you might be stealing chips. And stop doing it.
The Meyersons have helped hundreds of couples develop joyful and harmonious relationships. They are the authors of 
The Meyerson’s article on Poker Chips really spoke to me…made me sit up and recognize myself. Married almost 48 years, I look back on the times I’ve ‘taken away’ chips from my husband, instead of adding more to his stack, by speaking negatively in a situation. It is difficult to think of the past and realize that one has been been hurtful to a loved one, tearing him down with the spoken word, instead of building him up with positives, and I hope this lesson lives with me every day of the rest of our lives together. Thank you Meyersons for such insight into the human relationship.