Childhood Emotional Experiences

She spoke as if she were reliving her childhood experience:
I was so, so embarrassed. My daddy had asked me to go to Frank’s Grocery and pick him up an orange. So, quick as a bunny, I was walking down that dirt road near Billings Pig Farm where the smell drifted into my nostrils and headed for Frank’s. I spread the 6 pennies on the counter and ran all the way home holding the orange to my chest, a few chickens fluttering by. Felt smart, too, when I handed Daddy the orange. He smiled, but I knew he was upset:
“I meant an orange pop to drink, not an orange to eat!” He laughed and gave me a squeeze, but I felt like falling right through the floor. I really did.
Glenda (not her real name) was a 92 year old woman when Jon saw her in a nursing home. She confided that for 85 years she was too embarrassed to tell the story to anyone.

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If you take the time to recall a powerful memory, you enter the past and re-experience the scene you left decades ago. You see people’s faces, hear the sounds, and even smell the day. You delve into the limbic portion of your brain which has no sense of time; the past feels like the present. The evolutionary purpose for recalling these scenes is to defend yourself from potential new dangers. Thus, a small remark might trigger an old memory and cause an emotional avalanche. But the potential danger may not be a real danger.
For example, if one grows up in an alcoholic household, hearing a joke about liquor can evoke major anger. A sexual innuendo heard by a sexual abuse victim can certainly cause havoc. And yes, Glenda may find she dislikes a man in her nursing home when she sees him drink an orange soda, but she doesn’t understand why.
The Road to Power Snuggling
When you or your spouse believe that anger or sadness is blown out of proportion from the issue being discussed, an uncomfortable memory might have been triggered. Over time we learn what comments will trigger major reactions from our spouses.
Though painful at times, recalling these childhood events provides a framework for understanding ourself and our spouse. If you try to associate current strong feelings with similar feelings in childhood, you might find the clue as to why a comment or behavior by your spouse upset you. In some cases counseling sessions are necessary to help you through the pain.
Your Weekly Homework
Think of a strong disagreement you have had with your spouse and capture that emotion in your mind. Think of a time in childhood when you experienced a similar emotion (though not necessarily a similar situation). You may want to share this discovery with your spouse.