Develop your “love skills” for a closer relationship

Eric “Efficiency”
You might know Eric. At work they call him Eric Efficiency. He can tell you how to organize any project and the fastest way to complete it at the lowest cost. He never loses his “cool” and he’s on task but relaxed throughout the day. His supervisor thinks he’s the greatest, his co-workers love him and the women in the office think he is adorable.

One evening when he walked into his house, his wife, Charlene, greeted him with a hug and a kiss, but he could see she was in a tizzy.
Eric: What’s the matter?
Charlene: You can not believe my day! The traffic downtown was terrible going to work AND Ellie skinned her knee at school so I had to pick her up in the middle of the day AND the cleaning person canceled AND the groceries melted in the back seat of the car AND the dog was sick to his stomach AND…..

Eric Efficiency summed up the situation and told Charlene exactly how she could have avoided some of the problems and what she could do differently next time. He even offered to show her exactly how she could vacuum the house quickly without a cleaning person.
The screaming that erupted created a movie scene that would have made Steven Speilberg proud. Eric stood frozen and puzzled. Why would Charlene reject his efficiency skills? They love his skills at the office. He lost his cool, screamed back, slammed the door and drove to the office to finish some work. When he was able to catch his breath and relax in the sanctuary of his office he wondered why Charlene was so angry.

The Road to Power Snuggling
Fortunately over time, Eric learned that his business skills were often not useful in maintaining a loving relationship. He learned very different skills — “love skills”  and compared the two line by line.

Business Skills vs. Love Skills

1. Bus: First focus on facts & solutions
Love: First focus on empathy & emotions

2. Bus: Keep your emotions under control in the workplace
Love: Be emotionally open without dumping on your partner

3. Bus: Organization & planning are critical
Love: Caring & consideration are critical

4. Bus: Trust, but be cautious of customers & co-workers
Love: Acceptance & complete trust are essential

5. Bus: Respect competence, but quickly correct incompetence
Love: Respect your partner for their character even when they make many mistakes

6. Bus: Be committed to your company yet keep an eye out for better opportunities
Love: Be committed for long-term love realizing you will have ups & downs

7. Bus: Intimacy in the office is unacceptable
Love: Intimacy with your partner is highly important

Months later Eric arrived home to find Charlene in a tizzy. He listened carefully to her problems and gave her a hug and said, “That must have been a terrible day. Anyone would have been upset having a day like that.” He listened and listened and then let her rest. He offered no advice and decided not to offer advice later unless she specifically requested it. Later, with Eric’s support, Charlene calmed down and came to terms with the dilemmas of the day.

Your Weekly Homework
Together, discuss what behavior would help each of you if you have a “bad day.” Offer to follow through on these changes.

What suggestions do you have for skills we can add to this list? Please post them.