Go Ahead, Complain to Your Spouse

Part I: How to talk so your spouse will listen

“Bruce, you always leave the car keys where I can’t find them. You never hang them up!” Janet shakes her head, glances at Bruce then turns away, letting out an exasperated breath.
“You know, Janet, you’re never satisfied. And besides, you’re not so perfect. You’re always throwing away my newspapers before I can read them!” Bruce points to the spot where the newspapers should have been and rolls his eyes.
“Well, you can’t keep them there, messing up the dining room and that has nothing to do with the keys and besides…..” Janet’s hands are bouncing up and down with her anger.
Arguments like these can go on for years on the same issue and cease only when spouses believe changes will never occur. They finally give up. Resentment builds and anger spreads throughout the body and throughout the walls of the house. Often partners tune out and walk away, afraid to perpetuate an uncomfortable situation.

The Road to Power Snuggling
Two communication changes are required for your spouse to listen and to get results:  Modify your negative body language, which has been great for expressing your angst, but is ineffective. Modify your words to shift focus from your spouse to the behavior you want to alter.

The non-verbal package of rolling eyes, pointing fingers, shoulder shrugs, door slams and any other negative body language, needs to be shipped to Antarctica so it can be stored in permafrost. This body language almost begs your spouse to defend him or herself. Instead, hold your emotions and think how you would act at a business meeting when you’re frustrated, yet want results. Look at your spouse directly without negative body language.

Next, toss these words down the garbage disposal and grind them well:
You always and You never.
Replace with new, request for action words. State your feelings in a way they can be heard. Instead of “you” substitute “I” messages: “When I look for the keys on the hook and can’t find them, I get very frustrated. I’m usually rushing out the door and I’m afraid I will be late for an appointment. It really helps when the keys are on the hook.”
Your spouse is then more likely to respond, “Well it’s difficult to remember with all the things I have to do.” This is your chance to validate. “Yes, I know you have a lot on your mind and it is difficult to remember to hang up the keys.” (No buts added.)
The next time the keys are on the hook, express your appreciation. “Thanks for hanging them up. I felt so relaxed getting out of the house today.”
This is your first step toward complaining effectively. You are learning a new language and teaching your spouse to listen to a new language. In future weeks, we will provide additional tools on how to complain.

Your Weekly Homework
Jot down the words you have been using to voice your complaints and the accompanying body language. Now write the way you could be using “I” messages to express your feelings with revised body language. To start, use this skill for smaller problems. We will cover larger problems in future Snuggles. Pat yourself on the back for beginning to speak a language your spouse can hear.