How can a little remark cause havoc?

The Magnifying Glass
It’s a mild, summer evening. Dan and Denise are dining on the patio of a lovely restaurant.

Denise: You like my new blouse?
Dan: It’s very pretty. I love the
color…..but, uh, you might have saved a bit if you had bought one without the Polo name.
Denise: You don’t like it?
Dan: No, no, I do. I just want to point out that next time you can save us a few dollars.
Denise: I got it on sale. We don’t always have to buy cheap!
Dan (a bit louder): Denise, everyone knows that labels cost extra for the same quality. You don’t have to do what your parents do.
Denise (even louder): It’s not because of my parents! I happen to like it and I don’t need to be Ms. Poverty all the time!

Unfortunately, their dining experience rolled downhill quickly.

What happened?
To some, saving a few dollars on clothes vs. buying brand-name might seem like a trivial issue, but Dan and Denise blew it up as they tried to defend their values. Denise prides herself in her choice of clothes. She often receives compliments, yet, she’s very sensitive to Dan’s comments since she knows they are on a tight budget. On the other hand, Dan is proud of his “classy” wife yet prides himself for keeping a balanced budget. During their conversation Denise magnifies the importance of her ability to dress fashionably, while Dan magnifies his ability to save money.

Their magnifying glass created these thoughts:
Dan: Our budget is tight enough. What if she continues spending wildly? We may not be able to buy a new car! If only she would admit her mistake and then stop wasting money on designer clothes!
Denise: I know how to buy quality clothes. If it were up to Dan I’d be wearing rags! Next he’ll complain about my choice of groceries!
With the magnifying glass, the issue is no longer about the Polo label. It has expanded to differing values.

The Road to Power Snuggling
All couples experience some major conflicts that begin small. Later they can’t even remember how the arguments began. Issues grow out of control when we use the magnifying glass to protect our values.

Without the magnifying glass, Dan would think:
Denise is happy with her blouse. It is pretty. We can afford a few extra dollars occasionally and she hasn’t done it that often. Let’s continue this lovely evening.

Without the magnifying glass, Denise would think:
Some of Dan’s values are different from mine and I do know we’re trying to save money. I understand his concern, so I’m not going to argue about this.

Of course, the magnifying glass can appear on virtually any topic such as dealing with in-laws, child raising, neatness, being on time, appearance, or eating patterns. Resolution of conflicts works best when one truly looks at the particular situation instead of “magnifying” it which forces one’s values on the other.

Your Weekly Homework
Together, think about a small disagreement that was magnified leading to a bigger argument. Discuss how removing the magnifying glass and putting issues in a different perspective could have maintained harmony. Understand that some of your values are different and may remain different, but that you respect each other, even though you may not always agree with the other’s point of view.