How to Complain to Your Spouse – II

“You have to make a right soon,” Kathy says to George as he drives.
“I know. I have the directions.”
“You make a right after the McDonalds.”
“Uh-huh.”
“Don’t you think you should be in the right lane now?”
“Kathy, I know where I’m going!”
“George, you’re too close to the Honda!”
“Please Kathy, let me drive!”
“Okay, but last time you made a wrong turn.”
George pulls over and slams on the brakes. “You’re forever telling me how to drive! I get so discombobulated that I do make mistakes!”
Kathy gazes out the side window and whispers, “Just trying to help, George.”

Some annoying patterns develop in most relationships. Change is not easy. How to Complain to Your Spouse -I, suggested, when annoyed, that you state your
complaint, and use “I” messages such as: “Kathy, when I try to drive and hear frequent advice on where to turn and how to drive, I get very anxious, especially when I have directions and feel confident.”

When couples find that their repeated “I” messages with request for change fall on deaf ears, our BETTER UNDERSTANDING GUIDE (BUG) can be very effective.

The Road to Power Snuggling
At home, George asks Kathy when she will be available to use The BUG*.
George completes each stem and Kathy repeats the sentence to show she has heard him:
1. I see that you tend to advise me on how to drive. (Kathy: “You see that I tend to advise you ….” etc.)
2. I guess that you think I will not know where to go and we might get lost and be late.
3. But I feel that I know where to go and would drive better without advice.
4. I am upset that each time we drive together you regularly tell me how and where to drive.
5. Based on past experience I expect this will continue for some time.
6. Specifically I would like no advice unless I request it.
7. This would make me feel more relaxed and allow our relationship to be more harmonious.
8. I appreciate that you try to get us to the correct destination.
9. I hope that in the future you will allow me to drive without receiving advice unless I request it.
10. Thank you for listening to me.

It is important for Kathy to mirror back each sentence and acknowledge George’s concerns. Of course, at times Kathy may use the BUG to voice her concerns on issues that bother her, but not at this time.
*© (Jon & Beverly Meyerson)

Your Weekly Homework
Each spouse takes a turn using the BUG for something very specific that they would like changed.