If you win, you both lose

Jason is incredulous: “Tracy, you’re crazy! Los Angeles is definitely not east of Reno, Nevada! It’s west, like near the Pacific!”

“Jason, I saw it on the map. L.A. is east of Reno, like towards New York.” Tracy flips her hair, almost hitting Jason in the face as he drives. “You never trust me. And I wish you wouldn’t call me crazy.”

Tracy resumes reading her book, knowing it’s going to be a long, tense drive home.
If Jason and Tracy overhear a similar conversation between strangers, they might have opinions about who is right, but they are not likely to feel strong emotions. So what’s causing the outbursts here?

Sensitivities and differences often color our opinions which can lead to disputes. Jason knows that California is west of Nevada and its coastline adjoins the Pacific Ocean. Therefore, L.A. must be west of Reno. Tracy recently saw a map showing L.A. east of Reno.

When couples feel they are both right, discussion can quickly shift into competition, jumping out of control and causing hurt feelings.

The Road to Power Snuggling
What’s the solution?
Change the focus from competing and winning, to cooperating and resolving an issue. Work and classroom settings often require cooperative problem solving. It can be very satisfying when a couple brainstorms together to resolve an issue, each truly hearing the other’s ideas.

For example:
Jason is incredulous: Really? You say L.A. is east of Reno? How can that be if California is west of Nevada?
Tracy: Yes, California is west of Nevada, but the map shows L.A. east of Reno.
Jason: I guess it’s possible. Let’s recheck the map when we stop for lunch.
They stop and find that L.A. is indeed east of Reno. They both learn that the southern part of California bends east even though the northern part of California is west of Nevada.

Many arguments are not as clear-cut and involve different ingrained values. However, becoming cooperative partners when you focus on an issue, resolves differences without belittling each other. This leads to a win-win result and a stronger relationship. Whereas, if one “wins” and the other “loses,” the loser is resentful and competition continues into other areas, dragging down the relationship.

Your Weekly Homework
Think of a way a recent dispute could have been worked through using the cooperative, rather than the competitive approach. Try the cooperative approach this week with a small issue. Eventually, you can use it comfortably with bigger issues.