Improving relationships without changing

“Again you said you’d be home at seven and it’s almost seven-thirty!” Irma shakes her head at Tim in disbelief.
“It’s no big deal. I had to leave the office late and then there was terrible traffic.”
Later it was Tim’s turn to complain:
“You said you’d schedule the plumber. You forgot and now we can’t call him until Monday!” Irma and Tim have had similar conversations for three years. They now stare blankly at each across the dinner table thinking of ways to get the other to change.

We may feel unloved if our spouse doesn’t accommodate our desires. Resentment builds as we complain more and get no results.

We all have different values for what is important. It might be dissatisfaction with the amount of touching, being on time, how to maintain the house, or ways to manage money. The fact that we chose each other means there was something very special which we admired. If we marry thinking of accepting all the wonderful parts and believing we can change the annoyances, we will be disappointed. Some behaviors are not tolerable, but acceptance and adjustment often works best.

The Road to Power Snuggling
Initially, when frustrated, an “I message” is useful: “Tim, when I can’t count on your word that you’ll be home by 7, I feel unimportant and frustrated. I realize sometimes you might not be able to leave work on time, but I rely on your commitment and it disrupts my schedule when I can’t depend on you.” Hopefully, Tim will hear her frustrations and do his best to be on time. But in situations where no change continues for months or years, Irma needs to understand that lateness is ingrained in Tim’s personality and adjusting to it might be best. Irma might assume Tim will be late and plan her activities accordingly. When Tim isn’t criticized he is more likely to go out of his way to please Irma.
Similarly, if Tim holds back on his criticism of Irma not getting the plumber, she will be more likely feel that responsibility and work harder to schedule an appointment. We all want to feel competent and dependable. Constant reminders and criticism actually encourage our partners to continue their frustrating behavior.

If each person adjusts to the other’s quirks, without resentment, there is a better chance of realizing some change. Instead of regular hugs, which may be difficult for someone who grew up in a non-hugging family, the couple might go dancing and feel physically closer. If one is more money-conscious, let that person take the lead and schedule a weekly time to discuss the issues. This, of course, doesn’t mean the other won’t have a say in finances. If we choose areas of responsibility that work best for each of us, without forcing the other into it, our relationship will thrive with less conflict.

Your weekly homework
Think of some repeated conflicts you have had. Identify ways you can accept and adjust to these situations and try them out this week.