“Now we’re lost, Seth!”

“Think we, not you, nor me,
Think we for harmony.”
– Caring Godfather, After the Glass Slipper

Finding a closer relationship after getting lost

“Seth, why didn’t you get better directions?”
“They said take a left on Maple after the second light. They didn’t mention the blinking light.”
“And now it’s raining hard!”
“Cindy, didn’t you bring the umbrellas?”
“No, we wouldn’t have needed them if we got there on time. Can’t you ever get good directions!”
“You were rushing me out, so I couldn’t hear what they were saying and I –”
“And now the parking lot will be full!”

Blame becomes the auto-pilot that transfers our stress to our partner. The stress may arise from being lost on a rainy road, missing an appointment omitted from our calendar, or running out of money in our joint checking account. The blame game puts stress on both players, delaying a desirable solution. This begins and ends with countless: “If you had only…” followed by: “If you had only ….”
How do we find our way from the blame game to a satisfying resolution?

The Road to Power Snuggling
Snuggling requires a new game which is a lot more fun: Solve and resolve. Both players are on the same side of the board, as if you are completing a puzzle together. Without pinning a fault sign on either partner (even if you are sure it was your spouse’s fault) the game starts with thinking: “What are we going to do now?”
For example:
“Cindy, I think we’re lost.” (State the facts)
“Seth, let me call and see if the box office can give us directions. Look for a gas station that might be open.” (Solution oriented)
“I wish I had taken the GPS.” (It’s okay to blame yourself, but not your partner.)
“I think we have some plastic bags in the trunk to protect us from the rain.” etc.

When you’re warm and dry in the theater after peacefully resolving the issue, you won’t be turning away from each other remembering how angry each of you were. Instead you might be holding hands! Easier said, than done? Of course. Change is not easy but the positive results set the stage for years of reduced stress and finding a closer relationship.

Your Weekly Homework
Together, think of the times you have had arguments and have blamed each other. Discuss how you could have been closer playing solve and resolve.