Why are you attracted romantically to some people but not others?

Across a crowded room….
“Some enchanted evening
You may see a stranger,
You may see a stranger
Across a crowded room
And somehow you know,
You know even then
That somewhere you’ll see her
Again and again.”
– Song from South Pacific
(Search site for complete lyrics)

We meet hundreds of people before we find someone who attracts us so much that we decide to marry them. When asked, “Why that person?” people might say, “Because they were good looking, intelligent, and had similar interests to mine.” They add, “And they were fun to be with.” In fact, so much fun to be with that they couldn’t imagine not being with them. The truth is they’ve met dozens of people with very similar characteristics they had described, but only found that one to marry. Why do we select that special person?

In his research of couples, Harville Hendrix, who founded Imago Therapy, discovered that one partner in long-term relationships is almost always a “Maximizer” and the other a “Minimizer.” One talks more, is more likely to answer the phone when it rings, makes social arrangements, and speaks first when greeting others. The other may have just as much power in the relationship but uses their power in more reserved ways.

The Minimizer (perhaps a man in this illustration) sees this stranger across a crowded room laughing and socializing with a crowd of others. He has an urge to be with her and enjoy the festivities, but that is not his nature. The Maximizer (perhaps a woman) sees this quiet, thoughtful man in the same room, listening and nodding and seeming to be powerfully together. She thinks, “I have to meet this man.” Unconsciously, each yearns for parts of the other’s personality. The quieter one thinks, “Wouldn’t it be great if I could be so social?” The other thinks, “Wouldn’t it be great if I could be so introspective, thoughtful and controlled?” Eventually, the pull is so great that they meet.

What happens? After months or years together, what was an attraction can now become a great annoyance. “Help! She’s always on the phone yapping away and laughing!” and “Help! He’s constantly on the computer and reading his manuals!” Each then believes it is his or her duty to change the other. A power struggle begins and unless couples find ways to alleviate the situation the power struggle might end the relationship or become a lifetime of conflict.

The Road to Power Snuggling
Harville Hendrix finds that couples need to work through this “power struggle stage” so they can move, over time, to the long-term love stage.

How? First couples need to develop a conscious relationship. They need to see the relationship as if they were a spectator looking from outside at this couple who happens to be themselves. By consciously reviewing their own behavior as well as their partner’s, both can make the necessary adjustments. They will expand themselves by acquiring some of the parts they appreciated in their partner when they first met. The maximizer will grow by finding that she can at times be more introspective, thoughtful, and a good listener; the minimizer will grow by finding he can be more socially interactive and lead more. They will still maintain their comfortable roles as maximizer and minimizer, but instead of being annoyed by each other’s behavior, each will again admire the attributes of the other that they found so enlightening when they first met. Not easy, but the results will provide the couple with greater harmony.

Your Weekly Homework
With your spouse, speak of what you felt when you first were attracted to each other. Make a conscious effort to stretch and develop some of these parts in yourself.

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