Why do we argue over the best way to load the dishwasher?
“Make sure you line up the glasses in the dishwasher. You get more in and save water!” Kevin says.
“I have more important things to do than squeeze in every last dish!” Darlene says, gritting her teeth.
Kevin adds: “It just takes a second and the dishes get cleaned better and…” Darlene walks away before he finishes his sentence. This could be the start of a “beautiful” argument.
It’s often the simple daily activities which cause major conflicts. After couples calm down, they look back and think, “What was that all about? What did we each say to keep the conflict moving forward?”
Being in control is important to everyone. We feel we lose part of ourselves when we are told to do something we think is not necessary. No one wants to be told how to do something as simple as loading the dishwasher. Some people try to get the last fork in. Others believe it is wonderful to just finish the job.
The Road to Power Snuggling
It helps to understand how our brains work. We have an analytical part (the neo-cortex) and the emotional part (housed in the limbic system). When an argument develops, each partner believes they are being analytical – and to some extent they are. But behind this conflict the strong emotional part kicks in: “I don’t want my partner to control me!”
What’s the solution to loading the dishwasher? Agree that whomever does the loading loads in their own way. Often couples will designate the same person to the task, but no matter who does the work, agree that he or she will decide how to load. Relationships are too valuable to destroy over dishwasher loading or many other “mole hills” that become mountains to climb.
Your weekly homework
Agree verbally or in writing to allow the dishwasher loader (or other relatively simple task) to do it their own way. And stick to it. If one person is more particular, they should probably do it more often. Congratulate each other for handling this issue so you move on to greater togetherness.
The Meyersons have helped hundreds of couples develop joyful and harmonious relationships. They are the authors of 
AFTER THE GLASS SLIPPER: Classic Edition - 8 Proven Steps to Lasting Love. Jon Meyerson, Beverly Meyerson (paperback)
AFTER THE GLASS SLIPPER: Wedding Edition - 8 Proven Steps to Lasting Love. Jon Meyerson, Beverly Meyerson (paperback)
You hit a hot spot in my relationship. This has been going on for months, no years. He complains that the environment needs every spoon to be washed and I do the loading.
Erica, sounds like he needs to control the loading!!!
What is preventing you from letting him take over this job?
I had a similar issue with hubby who kept leaning over my shoulder when I was cooking and made comments like “how about more garlic [or almost any spice]” and “why don’t you …[cook it this way] or “here, let me HELP you” [meaning "take over because I know best"].
For a while we designated Sunday as his day to cook, and when the kids were teens they took their own day for making dinner too since both hubby and I were working full time. Then, when the kids went off to college, I handed him the apron, knives, spice rack and wooden spoon – - totally over to him – - basically saying “It’s all yours, dear”.
Now he does all our dinners (we each do our own breakfast and lunch). He is a good cook (sometimes a bit repetitive, but healthy and tasty), and I can relax and just praise him for these meals. Additionally, all my friends are REALLY jealous. Sometimes I miss the role of cook but would definitely not raise this issue again given his need for territoriality/control and my being able to use that time for other pleasant endeavors. Try it, give it time and see how things go….