You don’t have to say, “I love you” to say I love you

Your skills using nonverbal communication can make or break your relationship

In every social contact we determine whether someone cares about us by reading the tiniest facial expressions, the tone of words, eye contact or lack thereof, a specific body motion, and certainly specific deeds such as receiving a love poem. We are sometimes fooled, but over time our partner lets us know what is going on and we let them know.

A study at UCLA concluded that 93% of communication effectiveness is determined by nonverbal cues. Though researchers differ as to whether the figure should be 50%, 93% or somewhere in between, they all agree that nonverbal communication is critical.

In Fidler on the Roof, Tevye asks Golda, “Do you love me?” She sings the song that says, “After twenty-five years I’ve washed your clothes, cooked your meals…milked the cows…” etc. “I suppose I do.” And he sings, “I suppose I love you, too.” Most of us need more than Golda and Tevye’s “I suppose I do.” We deserve direct and regular refueling of committed love. We need it now, not later.

The Road to Power Snuggling
We all differ as to what makes us feel loved. There are those who feel most loved when they receive gifts. Some need to be touched and hugged often. Others need quiet times to do what they wish. Others favor having chores done for them or being taken for a night on the town. Of course, most of us want a combination of these. If both partners find ways the other feels most loved and offers it to them regularly, the “feel good quotient” in the relationship will climb dramatically.
Here are some nonverbal suggestions to try on your partner:
Leave a note on the mirror saying, “Have a great day!” — Look them lovingly in the eyes when they are telling you about a problem they have — Hand them the remote while you are watching TV together — Surprise them with the book after they read the good review — Eat dinner together with dimmed lights — Play music they love while you are eating — Get them a bandage after they cut their finger – Leave a movie review on their desk that you think they’d like – Take the dogs for a walk even though it’s not your turn — Hug several times more than you usually do — Let them sleep in on the weekend — Plant a flower and label it with both your names — Light candles in your bedroom for a romantic effect — provide smiles.

Your Weekly Homework
With your spouse, discuss the nonverbal behavior that makes each of you feel most loved and make a conscious effort to provide these this week and beyond.