“You love your mom more than me!”

Setting boundaries with in-laws

“Your mom’s calling again!” Rita frowns, hands the phone to David and walks away.
“Yes, Mom,” David says. “Uh-huh. When do you need it done? I can’t Monday, but how about Tuesday? Yes, I told you that when you called a few hours ago. I’ve got to get off. Rita’s waiting.”
You’ve been married for years, yet your spouse is constantly on the phone with his mom. You try to ignore it, but at times you blow up. Some couples juggle this well but for most, daily tensions rise and the emotional bond between partners weakens. (Of course, the situation may be reversed and it is you who spends too much time talking with your mom, relatives, friends or grown children.)

The Road to Power Snuggling
First, acknowledge that one of you is feeling unimportant due to frequent calls received by the other. In this case, David feels sorry for his “lonely” mom though his dad may still be around. He says, “After all, she did give birth to me and raise me. The least I can do is speak with her when she calls.”
Rita says, “We’re the ones who are married. When are you going to cater to me as you do to your mom? Your mom’s constant calls make it harder for me to be close to you or to her.”
Both David and Rita are right.
The solution lies in being sensitive to each other’s needs. Set limits on calls and let everyone know about these limits, including Mom. Agree on the number, length, and time of day of the calls. Mom should know when calls would be inconvenient.

Because of conflicts, one or both partners might call family or friends for emotional support. Of course others will validate you because they only hear your side of the story. This validation will make you feel that you are right and will probably aggravate the situation. Talk only to your partner about your private issues, not to others. Speaking only with each other can be a challenge; however, respecting this privacy is crucial for maintaining trust, understanding and long-term love.

Your Weekly Homework
Establish a quiet time to talk with your partner, making a specific plan for handling frequent phone calls. Tell your close contacts about the limitations. Follow-up weekly to discuss how the plan is working.