“You’re always late!”

What should you do when your partner disagrees about being on time?

“Come on, Sylvia, we’re going to miss our plane!”
“I just need another minute. There’s little traffic on Sunday. Lighten up!”
“There could be an accident and you know how long it takes to go through security!”
“Just a few more seconds, Ben!”
“Can’t you finish that in the car so we can……………”

Sound familiar? Ben wants to be at the airport two hours in advance. Sylvia is happy to get there just in time to slip into the plane. People differ in their feelings about time schedules. We are born with an internal clock telling us what it means to be “on time” and we somehow pick partners with a different clock. Our time conflicts can go on for years unless we decide to change.

In this dialogue Ben will become more anxious each minute and Sylvia will become more anxious (though she might hide it) as Ben complains.

The Road to Power Snuggling
Frequently spouses need to meet the same time schedule as they travel together on planes, attend parties, see movies, and meet others. The solution does not so much lie in calculating the time needed to get to a plane or a party, as much as it requires understanding how to relieve each other’s anxiety.

So what will relieve Ben’s anxiety? He needs to get to the airport well in advance so he can relax. In this case Sylvia has to realize that just thinking of a missed plane will drive Ben bonkers. Without resentment, she needs to read a book or talk on her cell phone while they wait at the airport for an hour or more. This becomes a win-win situation because it relieves both of their anxieties.

But, when it comes to an event where being late will not have dire consequences, such as attending a party, Ben needs to accept Sylvia’s relaxed clock. While Sylvia is getting ready, he needs to read or watch TV and refrain from any nagging. Both should understand that they will never change the other’s internal clock by trying to convince them with facts or figures.

On some occasions such as movies or sports events, they need to agree to a time schedule well in advance.

Your Weekly Homework
Together, review situations when you had disagreements about time. Each person should define what important deadlines mean to them. Then discuss how you can accommodate each other’s time clock. Plan out the next set of events with the goal of relieving the anxiety of both partners. Stick to it without resentment.