You’re wasting your time on THAT?

Areas of Control revisited
Amy: I can’t believe you’re wasting time reading another Civil War book! Aren’t there enough real wars without having to read about one that occurred 200 years ago?
Kevin: It wasn’t 200 years. It was only 145 years ago. Besides, history is fascinating.
Amy: There are better things you can do with your time like the garage. It needs cleaning.
Kevin: And you? You yap on the phone for hours. Talk about wasting time!
Amy: And then you wear that silly uniform to re-enact battles. At least I get information from my phone calls and keep my friendships.
Kevin: Information? What information? If I could record your conversations of five years ago they would sound like what you and Cathy said yesterday.

With so much to do in a week, the way each partner spends their spare time often leads to conflicts. Values differ. What one person believes is fascinating or useful, the other believes is dull and meaningless.

“What spare time?” you might ask. The truth is that no one could survive without spending some time away from work, children and home chores. Even the busiest people manage to find time for non-essential activities. U.S. Presidents found time for playing the violin (Jefferson), watching baseball (Lincoln), jujitsu (Teddy Roosevelt), swimming (FDR), playing the piano (Truman), golf (Eisenhower), and playing basketball (Obama).

To some, watching American Idol or TV football is a must. Then there are Facebook addicts, computer game enthusiasts, bridge players, horse lovers, astrology followers, news junkies, antique collectors, health food “experts,” romance novel readers, wine connoisseurs, dog or cat lovers, and obsessive political followers to name just a few. These passions add joy to one’s life and often reduce stress.

What should Amy and Kevin do?

The Road to Power Snuggling
As a rule, acceptance and admiration of the other’s activity is the best policy unless the time spent is so excessive that it interferes with responsibilities. The 3 circles (see below,) which we discussed in June, show that each individual has a right to their own decisions regarding spare time and choices of what to wear, where to work and how to load the dishwasher if they are loading. If your partner enters your circle it’s time to say, “You’re in my circle!”

Amy & Kevin’s Areas of Control

Though Kevin feels Amy’s phone conversations are a waste and Amy believes Kevin’s Civil War interest is unimportant, these activities fall into their own circles. Unless one asks for input (the advice area shown above) keep mum. Your relationship will gain strength if you don’t criticize your partner’s leisure choice.

Joint decisions are made when partners must decide together, such as where to live, how many children to have and when or where to eat out.

Your Weekly Homework
Think of how your partner enjoys their free time and support their choice. In the long run you will both benefit!