The article explains how our daily personal interactions change brain neurons, our first love providing us with information to decide whether it is wise to seek or avoid bonding with a love partner.

As infants we felt the safety in our caretakers’ arms. With few words spoken, we searched their eyes, felt their touch and connected as a loving “we” rather than an “I.” UCLA’s Dr. Daniel Siegel explains that this early intimacy is indelibly stored in our brain so we can relate it to our search for intimate connections.

Though romantic love is quite different, we all yearn to recapture that feeling, that safety and that unconditional love. At all ages of our life we strive to regain this connection.

When we are able to bond with a partner or even a good friend, these intimate feelings reoccur. We even call our soul-mate “Baby” or “Babe” to accentuate our love.

Brain imaging conducted by Naomi Eisenberger however, indicates that when we are rejected we feel a pain in the same area of the brain as we do when we are physically injured and often with greater intensity.

For decades it was thought that rewiring for interpersonal relationship was halted early in childhood. Now we know that it is never too late to significantly reprogram our brain to convert childhood hurts into loving bonds through positive interpersonal contacts.
How can we foster these experiences?

The Road to Power Snuggling
When we first met our partner we exchanged new ideas, rituals and even new foods and environments. Love grew quickly and easily and our bonding felt complete. Our challenge now is to maintain and reinforce this intimacy and continue the “we” rather than reverting to the “I.”

Snuggling requires that we provide our partner with daily positive support so their brain can be rewired to feel safe and accepted. Then they will want to return the favor to us. This includes both warm touches and extensive focusing to understand what our partner is saying, regardless of whether or not we agree.

When intimacy diminishes or is lost we often hear, “I feel so hurt that I want him/her to make the first move to reconnect.” This leads to inertia and partners search for new safety outlets including work, hobbies or other companions.

When you feel this hurt, how can you convince yourself to initiate reconnection? In your mind’s eye, picture the positive brain transformation that will occur by providing your partner with the complete acceptance they experienced as an infant. This will reprogram their brain so they will have the ability to return the love.

Your Weekly Homework
Make sure you are the one to initiate feeding your partner with the “food” needed for joyful bonding.

* * *

Here are some quotes:   
– Only children know what they are looking for.
– When you’ve finished getting yourself ready in the morning, you must go get the planet ready.
– “You shall judge yourself,” the king said, “that is the most difficult thing of all. It is much more difficult to judge oneself than to judge others. If you succeed in judging yourself rightly, then you are indeed a person of true wisdom.”
– “One never knows!” (How things will turn out.)
– “Where are the people?” the little prince asked. “It’s a little lonely in the desert…”
“It is lonely when you’re among people, too,” said the snake.
– Here is my secret. It is very simple: It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; what is essential is invisible to the eye.

Sarah decides she’ll have a surprise party for Ryan’s birthday. She spends days planning the party and shopping for just the right foods. She bakes and decorates a beautiful birthday cake. She arranges for his best friend to bring him back to the house at the right time.

Fishing with worms

Sarah (After the party): You didn’t seem very pleased.
Ryan: I said, Thank you, didn’t I?
Sarah: So you were really happy?
Ryan: Well, to tell you the truth, I would have loved to spend the day playing golf with my buddies and dining in a quiet restaurant with you in the evening.

Sarah had followed the Golden Rule. She would have loved a surprise party given in her honor exactly as she had planned for Ryan. Had she followed the “Platinum Rule”: “Do unto others as they would want you to do unto them,” Ryan would have been delighted.

The Road to Power Snuggling
Often the Golden Rule is accepted as the “right” way to treat people. We feel that our preferences are universal. People may say or think to themselves, “How can you not like that movie? It was great!” Or, “I can’t believe you don’t like this delicious chicken dish!” They are thinking: You should have the same values that I have!

Maintaining a loving relationship involves focusing on the Platinum Rule – keying into the wishes of your partner or your friends. In 1936 Dale Carnegie wrote, How to Win Friends and Influence People. It has sold over 15 million copies and continues to sell today. It has been translated into 31 languages. Carnegie wrote: “I am very fond of strawberries. But when I go fishing I don’t bait the hook with strawberries and cream. Rather, I dangle a worm.”

Your Weekly Homework
With your partner, talk about the times you each used the Golden Rule and it backfired. Spend some time discussing where your tastes are the same and where they differ. Treat your partner this week to something you know they love, even though it is not your cup of tea!

The dishwasher loading then evolves into an emotional outburst. After Kevin and Darlene calm down, they may ask themselves, “What was that all about? Why did such a simple thing develop into a major conflict?”

The Road to Power Snuggling
What is happening with Kevin and Darlene is not uncommon. Each believes they are right and they are both correct because their goals are different. He tries to get the last fork in. She breathes a sigh of relief just to finish the job.

What is really occurring has nothing to do with dishwasher loading. It is a power struggle where neither wants to be controlled by the other. Kevin and Darlene are speaking to each other with the analytical part of their brain. However, it is their powerful emotional brain (housed in the brain’s limbic system) that says to them: “Uh-oh! This is dangerous! I am being controlled by my partner and my desires are completely ignored!”

Being in control is essential to everyone. We feel we lose part of ourselves when we are told how to do something that we know we can do.

What’s the solution?
First, Realize that this is a control issue, not an analytical problem.

Second, Acknowledge each other’s desires. For example:
– Darlene: Kevin I understand you want to save energy and have clean dishes.
– Kevin: I understand you have other things on your mind and putting in a few extra dishes is not important to you.

Third, Find a solution that allows both partners to stay in control. This might mean agreeing that the person loading does it their way. Frequently, the labor is divided so that one person cooks and the other washes the dishes.

Relationships are too valuable to destroy over dishwasher loading or many other “mole hills” that become mountains to climb.

Your weekly homework
With dishwasher loading or other similar chores, validate each other’s point of view. Then develop a plan that allows the person performing the chore to have full control carrying it out.

Quote of the week:
The better part of one’s life consists of his friendships.
— Abraham Lincoln

Measuring success
By others’ words
Creates anxiety.
What you desire
And what you fear
Are within yourself.
– Tao 13

Twist and become whole,
Bend and become straight.
Empty out and become full.
Expend energy and be renewed.
– Tao 22

Wise people seek solutions;
The ignorant only cast blame.
– Tao 79

— Lily Tomlin 

It’s morning and Ed and Jane are trying to get out of the house.
Ed: Damn! Where are the umbrellas? We can’t get the kids to school without them!
Jane: Didn’t you check the weather last night? I’m trying to make lunches and-
Ed: My meeting is promptly at nine. I’ll never make it on time!
Jane: Well, with the traffic, I’ll probably be late to the office, too!
Ed: Where are the car keys this time?

Somehow Ed and Jane manage to leave the house, although they are terribly stressed. This pattern has continued for years.

On the next block Phil and Rose, who are about the same age, also with two children, have a fairly relaxed morning. After they carry out all their tasks, Rose grabs the car keys from the key holder, walks to her car, backs out of the driveway and then enjoys sipping her coffee as she drives to work.

Both couples’ marriages have had ups and downs and both couples are attentive to their children’s needs. Why are Phil and Rose able to leave the house with much less anxiety than Ed and Jane?

The key is how Phil and Rose make use of the basal ganglia portion of their brains. This is a very small part of the brain located deep inside the head above the brain stem. For decades scientists could not determine the function of the basal ganglia. However, in the 1990′s, researchers studying both humans and mice discovered that a series of actions once learned, called “chunks” are unconsciously stored in the basal ganglia and are available for use as your automatic pilots. While you are “chunking,” you carry out a series of tasks sometimes quite sophisticated, yet your brain uses very little energy. Hence, your stress is minimal.

Examples of Chunking
When you get out of bed in the morning and glance at the clock, you have begun a “chunk.” A series of actions follows such as washing up, getting dressed, glancing out the window to check the weather, etc. You have repeated these tasks hundreds of times, yet if questioned, you won’t immediately know which sock you put on first or whether you glanced at the mirror before brushing your teeth.

It isn’t necessary to remember these details since they have been “copied and pasted” into your brain’s basal ganglia. Your automatic pilot guides you, reducing stress, allowing you to be relaxed, thus freeing other brain parts to plan your day.

Everyone has memorized hundreds of chunks and stored them – from making breakfast to backing out of the driveway and driving to work. These actions involve an incredible number of detailed hand, foot and eye motions juggling seamlessly to meet your goals.

The Road to Power Snuggling
If we cultivate these automatic pilots in our basal ganglia, we will have more energy for other activities. You can help your partner by allowing each other’s chunks to flow as much as possible. Realize that your partner’s stress increases as you invade their chunks. Of course, interaction is frequently required so we need to work toward a proper balance.

You can also smooth both yours and your partner’s chunks by agreeing to a special place for household objects like car keys and somewhat regular time schedules.

When changes are needed
Changes are needed for altering destructive habits or for finding ways to increase life enjoyment. For example, if you want to stop smoking, there must be a change in the total chunk sequence that leads to lighting the cigarette. This is why experts recommend that you find a substitute such as sucking on hard candy or chewing gum.

Life changes also require new or revised chunks. During this transitional period, stress increases, but will later diminish greatly. Once the chunk is stored, your brain will always recall it. You will be able to turn on the ignition and drive the car out of the driveway without the frustrations you had when you were first learning to drive.

Your Weekly Homework
Find ways this week to reduce stress by improving your and your partner’s use of the basal ganglia.

What happened? 
To some, saving a few dollars on clothes vs. buying brand-name might seem like a trivial issue, but Dan and Denise both grew irate as each tried to defend their values. Denise prides herself in her choice of clothes. She often receives compliments. Yet she’s very sensitive to Dan’s comments since she knows they are on a tight budget.

On the other hand, Dan is proud of his “classy” wife, yet he prides himself for keeping a balanced budget. During their conversation, Denise magnifies the importance of her ability to dress fashionably, while Dan magnifies his ability to save money.

Just as a magnifying glass exaggerates images, Dan and Denise’s thoughts are expanded irrationally:

Dan’s Thoughts: Our budget is tight enough. What if she continues spending wildly? We may not be able to buy a new car! If only she would admit her mistake and then stop wasting money on designer clothes!

Denise’s Thoughts: I know how to buy quality clothes. If it were up to Dan I’d be wearing rags! Next he’ll complain about my choice of groceries!

Using the magnifying glass, the issue is no longer about the Polo label or a few dollars more for a blouse. It has expanded as each becomes emotional, pressing their differing values.

The Road to Power Snuggling
Many values developed when we were young and often do not change. All couples experience some conflicts when they feel compelled to teach these ingrained concepts to their partners. Issues grow out of control when they “use” the magnifying glass to protect values.

Without the magnifying glass, Dan would think more about Denise’s happiness and less about showing his budgeting expertise. He’d think: Denise is happy with her blouse. It is pretty. We can afford a few extra dollars occasionally and she hasn’t done it that often. Let’s continue this lovely evening.

Without the magnifying glass, Denise would think: Dan is good at keeping costs down, including when he makes purchases. I understand his concern, even though I have no regrets in buying this blouse. I’ll listen to him and not argue.

The magnifying glass can appear with any topic such as dealing with in-laws, child raising, neatness, being on time, appearance, or eating patterns. Resolution of conflicts works best when one truly looks at the particular situation instead of dueling while trying to force their values on the other.

Your Weekly Homework
Together, think about a small disagreement that was magnified, leading to an argument. Discuss how recognizing each other’s values and putting issues in a different perspective could have maintained harmony. Understand that you can respect each other’s perspective, even when you disagree.

HuggingI'd rather play at hug o' war,Where everyone hugsInstead of tugs...."

Kathy knew Calvin had a bad day. He walked in with his usual paint splattered overalls and held his lips tight. He stared down at the entrance hall tiles, shaking his head:

– You wouldn’t believe the number of times she changed the paint color. First she said it looked perfect and the crew was ready to leave. But then she runs out and says: “It’s a bit too pale. We need another coat with a touch of yellow to brighten it up.”

And then she says: “If only you could paint it a bit darker, that might work.”

Kathy realized Calvin needed more than listening. She hugged him, not noticing the smell of the paint. His body and face relaxed. He looked down and said, “I love your hair. It sure is shiny today.” Children Hug

The Road to Power Snuggling
Touching almost always works. A warm touch releases oxytocin, a hormone that creates a sensation of trust. For months after we are born, most of the love we receive is through touch. Whether we are one day old or 100 years and a day, touch improves our mood and makes us feel loved.

Studies have shown that touch can reduce blood pressure and the heart rate, diminish depression, ease pain, and reduce anxiety. One study showed that a sympathetic touch from a doctor left people with the impression that their doctor’s visit lasted twice as long as it did!
At DePauw University, Matthew Hertenstein had volunteers touch a blindfolded stranger. By only touching they were able to communicate eight different emotions including gratitude, disgust and love, with 70% accuracy.

Think back to the time you were little and were held tenderly. Then think of your first experience being held romantically. Now think of the first time you and your partner held each other. Each memory stirs you with feelings of warmth and safety.

Today you can use touch to bring you and your partner closer. It doesn’t need to be a hug or a kiss. Merely a touch on the shoulder permeates one’s nervous system. It’s simple and it works!

If this works with blindfolded strangers, imagine how easy it would be to communicate love to your partner through touch without blindfolds!

Your Weekly Homework
Visualize the benefits of empathic touch. Then, at various times this week, take the opportunity to touch your partner in different ways, allowing the warm feelings to flow.

Catherine’s mother died of a heart attack a few months after Catherine and Ed’s wedding. Just after her 5th wedding anniversary Catherine had this dream:

Catherine: Mama, you look so pretty. It’s wonderful to see you! 
Mama: I’m so, so glad you found me. How are you and how is your marriage working out?

Catherine: Oh, it’s okay….. but not like I expected.
Mama: No?
Catherine: Well, Ed and I were so much in love and I really thought everything would be just wonderful! Not perfect, because I know marriage has its ups and downs, but certainly romantic and fun most days. You know, like what you and Dad had.
Mama: And it’s not?

Catherine: Well, I thought we’d go out dancing like you did and Ed would make a lot of money like Dad. Also, I thought that Ed would always remember Valentine’s Day, like when Dad brought you flowers.
Mama: That’s not Ed?
Catherine: Don’t get me wrong. Ed can be a really caring guy. We go to movies and enjoy our kids and mutual friends. We even decorate the house together. But it seems that a lot of dullness set in a few years after our wedding. The romance comes and goes. It’s not like it used to be.
Mama: You know, it wasn’t perfect with Dad either. I remember him blowing up over little things. And he was always working late and missed many family meals. We would also bicker about little things.
Catherine: I guess I forgot about that.

Mama: So you thought marriage means you’d have all the good things Dad and I had and none of the bad.
Catherine: I guess so. I thought we’d always be very romantic regardless of the day to day problems.
Mama: That sounds like a Hollywood ending. When you meet you feel that most things are perfect and anything that isn’t, you can fix together. The earth shattering, falling-in-love kind of romance that you had at first can’t last forever. That would be exhausting!

For Dad and me, understanding each other’s different points of view was key, especially when we had big disagreements. It was a huge challenge! We also told each other when we appreciated the other. So, over time our love became much deeper than when we had first met with increased trust and intimacy.

The Road to Power Snuggling
Catherine realized from her dream that romantic love is the imagined ideal; marriage is when you begin to have realistic expectations of what is possible. Unrealistic expectations pave the way to disappointments. Long-term love is more subdued than storybook romance, but it is a deeper form of love.

Your Weekly Homework
Work toward achieving the goals which are possible and learn to accept the parts of your spouse which are not likely to change. Expressing appreciations daily will encourage each of you to grow, becoming even closer.

Shakespeare

Our question: Pardon us, but you look very much like William Shakespeare.
Will: (He quiets us with a finger to his lips, then motions with his hand to move to a quieter spot.) Yes, thou art correct. Will Shakespeare, here.

Q: Why are you are attending this film? Aren’t you upset about being called a fraud?
Will: Au contraire. Such talk increases the interest in my plays. Such authorship thoughts come and go, but “the play’s the thing” you know.

Q: So there’s “a method in your madness!”
Will: Very good indeed! Hamlet, Act 2, Scene 2.

Q: We would really like your advice about love.
Will: Oh, love, love, love! Well, first, ’tis well to remember:
“the course of true love never did run smooth.”

I know not whether I wrote so I could love, or loved so I could write. Yet, beware, ’tis a subject I know the most, and yet least, about.

Q: Yet after 400 years your words still speak to us of love. You penned Romeo saying: ”Come what sorrow can, it cannot countervail the exchange of joy, that one short minute gives me in her sight.”

Will: Yes, I see the words scripted on the scroll and merged with the graceful face of my first love.
Q: What would you suggest to maintain long-term love?

Will: Frustrations will occur, thou need to understand. Accept these ills with understanding to aid in reaching deep into thy lover’s heart.
To quote myself:
“The fruit of true love ripens in thou marriage,
If her face and her words, ye do not disparage.”

Q: Well said. Yet we don’t recall this quotation in your plays!
Will: Thou is so right, I suppose,
’cause this very night, ’tis one I composed.

I now see the open entrance to the show,
So we shan’t be late, we must go.
This pleasant talk allowed my thoughts to gel,
But now I bid thee fond — farewell!

Q: Goodbye! “Parting is such sweet sorrow!”

The Road To Power Snuggling
Snuggling requires a combination of romanticism, mutual appreciation and as Shakespeare said, acceptance, not criticism. Shakespeare’s plays are filled with the grand spectrum of human emotions. Maintaining long-term love requires accepting and understanding each other’s emotions, overlooking faults and emphasizing positives.

Your Weekly Homework
Be aware of your own emotions this week and how they impact you and your partner. Minimize critical remarks and add a new slant: a fresh appreciation each day.