When I was one, I had just begun;
When I was two, I was nearly new;
When I was three I was hardly me;
When I was four, I was not much more;
When I was five, I was just alive;
But now I am six; I’m as clever as clever;
So I think I’ll be six for ever and ever!
– A.A. Milne

When we were very young our parents cared for all our needs. They fed us, diapered us, hugged us, comforted us when we cried, smiled with us, and told us how wonderful we were. And we became wonderful! We acted like a poker player with a high stack of poker chips. We took risks. And if we were wrong, we’d go back and take more risks, because losing a few poker chips still left us with plenty more and gallons of confidence.

The Road to Power Snuggling
Over the years, both our stack of poker chips and our partner’s rises and falls with life’s successes and failures. However, we have the opportunity of increasing our partner’s stack of poker chips with appreciations or stealing chips with criticism. Our goal should be to rebuild each other’s stack with more of the former, so we both win.
Appreciations come in three varieties:
Behavior – “You planned the most spectacular vacation!”
Appearance – “I love the way your hair looks and you have a smile to match.”
Character – “You really have a talent for figuring out tough problems.”

If you both practice appreciation skills frequently, you will feel clever as clever and want to be close to each other forever and ever! The joy of your relationship will rise along with your two stacks of chips.

But, you say, “What if we have a problem?” An upcoming Power Snuggle will address how to talk to your partner about a problem and get positive results without stealing his or her poker chips. Problems need to be discussed so you hear each other without feeling diminished. Brainstorming and solving issues together always works better than criticizing. This week concentrate on appreciations.

Your Weekly Homework
Think of what you can do today to increase your partner’s stack of Poker Chips. And do it. Think of ways you might be stealing chips. And stop doing it.

“Come on, Sylvia, we’re going to miss our plane!”
“I just need another minute. There’s little traffic on Sunday. Lighten up!”
“There could be an accident and you know how long it takes to go through security!”
“Just a few more seconds, Ben!”
“Can’t you finish that in the car so we can……………”

Sound familiar? Ben wants to be at the airport two hours in advance. Sylvia is happy to get there just in time to slip into the plane. People differ in their feelings about time schedules. We are born with an internal clock telling us what it means to be “on time” and we somehow pick partners with a different clock. Our time conflicts can go on for years unless we decide to change.

In this dialogue Ben will become more anxious each minute and Sylvia will become more anxious (though she might hide it) as Ben complains.

The Road to Power Snuggling
Frequently spouses need to meet the same time schedule as they travel together on planes, attend parties, see movies, and meet others. The solution does not so much lie in calculating the time needed to get to a plane or a party, as much as it requires understanding how to relieve each other’s anxiety.

So what will relieve Ben’s anxiety? He needs to get to the airport well in advance so he can relax. In this case Sylvia has to realize that just thinking of a missed plane will drive Ben bonkers. Without resentment, she needs to read a book or talk on her cell phone while they wait at the airport for an hour or more. This becomes a win-win situation because it relieves both of their anxieties.

But, when it comes to an event where being late will not have dire consequences, such as attending a party, Ben needs to accept Sylvia’s relaxed clock. While Sylvia is getting ready, he needs to read or watch TV and refrain from any nagging. Both should understand that they will never change the other’s internal clock by trying to convince them with facts or figures.

On some occasions such as movies or sports events, they need to agree to a time schedule well in advance.

Your Weekly Homework
Together, review situations when you had disagreements about time. Each person should define what important deadlines mean to them. Then discuss how you can accommodate each other’s time clock. Plan out the next set of events with the goal of relieving the anxiety of both partners. Stick to it without resentment.

When Harry met Sally:
“I’ll have what she’s having.” (Real mother of director, Rob Reiner delivered the line.)
” When you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.”

Bridges of Madison County
“This kind of certainty comes once in a lifetime.”

Wizard of Oz:
” Remember my sentimental friend, you will be judged not by how much you love, but by how much you are loved.”

Good Will Hunting:
“Sometimes I wish I had never met you. Because then I could go to sleep at night not knowing there was someone like you out there.”

The male leopard, like many partners male and female, is probably thinking, “I won’t change who I am! She is trying to control me and push me to be someone else.”

Au contraire! Changing behavior doesn’t mean changing your personality. Your personality attributes will actually be enhanced as you modify your behavior to support each other. Certainly, you don’t want to sacrifice who you are. However, you will both benefit by finding ways to accommodate the other without feeling resentful.

By using the conscientious part of your personality, which you use at your work, you can also be conscientious about helping your partner. By using the trusting part of your personality that your close friends experience, you can bring greater trust to your relationship.

It does require a behavior change but, yes, you can take out the garbage without changing your spots.

The Road to Power Snuggling
To Power Snuggle means you support your partner at least as much and hopefully more than other friendships, your work, and your hobbies. Think: “What will please my partner today?” Over time, he or she will want to do the same for you. And your love will grow.

Your Weekly Homework
Together, recall the times when you asked for assistance and your partner’s first reaction was resentment. Then, both of you recall the times when you asked for assistance and your partner was willing to help as a friend would. Discuss how your partner’s response affected you in the two scenarios. Then vow together to reduce resentment and gain pleasure by helping the person you love. This will foster friendship and increase harmony.

Sarah decides she’ll have a surprise party and buy Ryan a new shirt for his birthday. She spends days planning the party and shopping. She bakes and decorates a beautiful birthday cake. She finds him the perfect shirt.
“You didn’t seem very pleased,” she says to him after the party.
“I said ‘Thank you’ didn’t I?” he responds.
Later he confesses that he would have enjoyed the day much more without the party, without the shirt. He would have loved playing golf with his friends in the afternoon and going out with Sarah to a quiet restaurant in the evening.

Sarah had followed the Golden Rule. She would love a surprise party given for herself and she loves new clothes. Instead she should have followed the Platinum Rule: “Do unto others as they would want you to do unto them.” Her perfect gift to Ryan would be to encourage him to play golf with friends, followed by a quiet evening with Sarah at his favorite restaurant.

The Road to Power Snuggling
Often the Golden Rule is accepted as the “right” way to treat people. However, when you are searching for that very special way of pleasing your partner, the Platinum Rule wins every time. Dale Carnegie noted in How to Win Friends and Influence People: “I am very fond of strawberries. But when I go fishing I don’t bait the hook with strawberries and cream. Rather, I dangle a worm.”

Your Weekly Homework
With your partner discuss the times you each used the Golden Rule and it backfired. Then discuss how the same situation would have evolved using the Platinum Rule.

Think WE, not you, nor me,
Think WE for harmony.
– Caring Godfather, in After the Glass Slipper

What do we live for, if it is not to make life less difficult for each other?
– George Eliot

When you love someone, all your saved up wishes start coming out.
– Elizabeth Bowen

They looked out upon their future together. All they saw was a halo of happiness.
– After the Glass Slipper, during Cinderella and Prince’s honeymoon.

When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.
– When Harry Met Sally

This kind of certainty comes but once in a lifetime.
– Bridges of Madison County

I would rather have had one breath of her hair, one kiss from her mouth, one touch of her hand, than eternity without it.
– City of Angels

A heart can be broken; but it keeps beating just the same.
– Fried Green Tomatoes

(Readers, please send us your favorite movie quotes.)

Being in control is important to everyone. We feel we lose part of ourselves when we are told to do something we think is not necessary. No one wants to be told how to do something as simple as loading the dishwasher. Some people try to get the last fork in. Others believe it is wonderful to just finish the job.

The Road to Power Snuggling
It helps to understand how our brains work. We have an analytical part (the neo-cortex) and the emotional part (housed in the limbic system). When an argument develops, each partner believes they are being analytical – and to some extent they are. But behind this conflict the strong emotional part kicks in: “I don’t want my partner to control me!”

What’s the solution to loading the dishwasher? Agree that whomever does the loading loads in their own way. Often couples will designate the same person to the task, but no matter who does the work, agree that he or she will decide how to load. Relationships are too valuable to destroy over dishwasher loading or many other “mole hills” that become mountains to climb.

Coke has always led Pepsi by considerable sales. However, in 1985, to maintain their sales lead, Coke conducted blind taste tests to improve the taste. Lo and behold, Coke found more people liked the taste of Pepsi!

So the company modified the Coke formula to make it a little sweeter, like Pepsi. After an extravagant advertising campaign, they announced tah-dah — New Coke! But New Coke was a flop. Quickly they reintroduced the old formula and called it “Classic Coke.” Their sales lead resumed.

What does this have to do with your relationship? Read on…
If taste tests showed people liked Pepsi better, similar to New Coke, why did they want the old Coke back? Because as they drank more and more, they found the slightly tarter, less sweet Coke better in the long run.

During the sweet romantic stage of your relationship your heart thumped with moonlit dinners, continual emails and phone calls, exhaustive intimacy and sipping beverages together. But lasting love requires nurturing some of the tartness and accepting the challenges of a long-term relationship.

The Road to Power Snuggling
True love means living together through thick or thin, from dish washing to diapering; from dealing with bills to dealing with relatives. Your love will thrive only when you accept each other’s sweetness and tartness. A fulfilling relationship is the satisfaction from helping each other overcome problems. Yes, plan to maintain your “Coke relationship” to keep your love alive.

Your weekly homework
Think of five ways your partner has been sweet to you over the years. Think of five ways you have accepted each other when things have gone amiss. With your partner, discuss how your relationship is better off having both the sweetness and the tartness.

” Grief can take care of itself; but to get the full value of joy you must  have someone to divide it with.”
– Mark Twain

“Think WE, not you , nor me,
Think WE for harmony.”
Caring Godfather, in After the Glass Slipper.

“What do we live for, if it is not to make life less difficult for each other?”
– George Eliot

“When you love someone, all your saved up wishes start coming out.”
– Elizabeth Bowen

“They looked out upon their future together. All they saw was a halo of happiness.”
– After the Glass Slipper,  during Cinderella and Prince’s honeymoon.

MOVIE LOVE QUOTES
“I am someone else when I’m with you – someone more like myself.”
– Original Sin

“When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.”
– When Harry Met Sally

“This kind of certainty comes but once in a lifetime.”
– Bridges of Madison County

“I would rather have had one breath of her hair, one kiss from her mouth, one touch of her hand, than eternity without it.”
– City of Angels