After the Glass Slipper » dishwasher conflicts http://www.aftertheglassslipper.com Marriage Counseling and Couples Counseling Mon, 30 Aug 2010 15:10:40 +0000 http://wordpress.org/?v=abc en hourly 1 Why do we argue over the best way to load the dishwasher? http://www.aftertheglassslipper.com/featured-articles/why-do-we-argue-over-the-best-way-to-load-the-dishwasher http://www.aftertheglassslipper.com/featured-articles/why-do-we-argue-over-the-best-way-to-load-the-dishwasher#comments Wed, 03 Feb 2010 02:44:45 +0000 jon-beverly http://www.aftertheglassslipper.com/?p=255 “Make sure you line up the glasses in the dishwasher. You get more in and save water!” Kevin says.
“I have more important things to do than squeeze in every last dish!” Darlene says, gritting her teeth.
Kevin adds: “It just takes a second and the dishes get cleaned better and…” Darlene walks away before he finishes his sentence.  This could be the start of a “beautiful” argument.
It’s often the simple daily activities which cause major conflicts. After couples calm down, they look back and think, “What was that all about? What did we each say to keep the conflict moving forward?”

Being in control is important to everyone. We feel we lose part of ourselves when we are told to do something we think is not necessary. No one wants to be told how to do something as simple as loading the dishwasher. Some people try to get the last fork in. Others believe it is wonderful to just finish the job.

The Road to Power Snuggling
It helps to understand how our brains work. We have an analytical part (the neo-cortex) and the emotional part (housed in the limbic system). When an argument develops, each partner believes they are being analytical – and to some extent they are. But behind this conflict the strong emotional part kicks in: “I don’t want my partner to control me!”

What’s the solution to loading the dishwasher? Agree that whomever does the loading loads in their own way. Often couples will designate the same person to the task, but no matter who does the work, agree that he or she will decide how to load. Relationships are too valuable to destroy over dishwasher loading or many other “mole hills” that become mountains to climb.

Arguments over dishwasher loading might be a way to avoid discussing larger issues. However, it is useful to resolve small issues so partners feel they are making progress before moving on to bigger issues.

Your weekly homework
Agree verbally or in writing to allow the dishwasher loader (or other relatively simple task) to do it their own way. And stick to it. If one person is more particular, they should probably do it more often. Congratulate each other for handling this issue so you move on to greater togetherness.
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