“It was a miserable day!” she says. “First, Ben said his throat was sore and he didn’t want to go to school, but after a half hour of moaning he said he was feeling better so I finally drove him in and then I was late for work. And I also missed the plumber, so we still have a leak in the basement with the pail filling up and ….”

Before she finishes, Ralph rolls his eyes, gives Sarah a weak kiss on the cheek and says he needs time to unwind. As he walks into the bedroom, she glares at him and tells him that he’s never interested in listening to her. Her shoulders fold as she goes into the kitchen.

The next day Sarah tries asking Ralph about his day, rather than talking about hers:
“So how was the big meeting? Did it work out?”
Ralph: “It was okay.”
“Just okay?”
“Yep.”
“Did you have lunch with Larry again? How are his kids?”
“Larry? No, not today.”
Ralph again walks into the bedroom.
Sarah takes an exaggerated big breath and shakes her head.

At other times Ralph and Sarah have stimulating conversations. They are good parents and have many friends. So what’s happening here?

Marshmallows to the rescue
In 1968, Dr. Walter Mischel conducted a landmark experiment at Stanford University. He placed a single marshmallow on a table in front of a 4 year old and told the child, “If you don’t eat the marshmallow, you will receive a second marshmallow when I return to this room.” He left for 20 minutes.

Dr. Mischel followed the children in the experiment and, years later, found that those who waited for the second marshmallow, averaged an astounding 210 points higher on the Scholastic Aptitude Test (SAT), compared to the children who had eaten the single marshmallow! The simple marshmallow test was twice as good as IQ tests in predicting SAT scores! Following the participants over many years, Dr. Mischel also found that those who waited for the second marshmallow had better high school and college grades, greater social competence and less drug use.

The marshmallow experiment shows that patience, timing and self-control, has an enormous impact on what we can accomplish. Following this pattern, couples who develop the patience exhibited by these children will be much more likely to enjoy a mutual, long lasting love relationship.

The Road to Power Snuggling
Sarah learned to key into Ralph’s emotions. She decided not to talk about her day, nor bombard him with questions about his day. In effect, she decided not to eat the first marshmallow.
A few days later, when Ralph arrives home, Sarah greets him at the door, gives him a hug and searches his eyes. He smiles and says he is tired.
She asks, “Do you need anything?”
“No, I think I’ll lie down for a few minutes.”
She smiles and pats him on the shoulder.
Later he comes into the living room and puts on a CD.
At dinner he asks Sarah about her day and he listens and nods.
Later he speaks about his day.
(Note: The earlier illustrations show that Ralph needs more space and Sarah needs to talk and express her frustrations. Of course, with other couples the situation could be reversed.)

Your Weekly Homework
Think of the times when your quick reactions have backfired and what might have happened if you had waited before expressing yourself. With your partner, spend time discussing how using patience helps achieve the harmony you both desire. By doing so, you will each accumulate plenty of marshmallows.